I Gave You My Heart

“YO AMARIA!” I scream in the best Puerto Rican accent I can,

“…yes Skylar?”

“WHAT YOU WANT GURL” I scream again, attempting to roll my tongue but just ending up spitting all over my shirt and some on the counter top. I looked at it dumbly before looking back at her

This made Amaria laugh, almost falling out her seat

“I-haha-I uh-he-want a chicken sammich and fries”

“AIIGHT!” I scream back to her, getting strange and murderous looks from the more gangster people in McDonalds

Why was I screaming? Like hell that I fucking knew. It just felt good to scream, after all that’s happened the past few days all I need is a good scream, and McDonalds just so happened to be the place it started at

After I got the tray of food that had been placed in front of me, I maneuvered about the feet attempting to trip me and the calling of oh so mean names

Sarcasm

I made it to our table, plopping down in front of Amaria and digging into my long awaiting nuggets

“So…what’s the matter for you?”

I look across at one of my only female friends, confusion adorning my features

“Huh?” I ask through a mouth full of chicken

“You were all, blah bleh arg ahh! NO KILL ME! Out side of school, so I was wondering what was up with all that chiznat”

“…So I’m going to pretend like I knew what you just said and nod. OK?”

“NO! NOT OKAY!,” I had to bow my head from everyone else, they were all starring now, “I want to know why you were all emo outside and like, in Skyland”

I roll my eyes at her, hiding a smile, she was really freaking weird but this is why I love her

“I was just thinking”

“About what?”

“…stuff?”

“What kinda stuff”

“…gay stuff?”

“What kinda gay stuff?”

“The manly kinda gay stuff?”

“What kinda of manly kinda gay stuff?”

“The kind of manly gay stuff that you straight girls don’t want to hear about?”

And then she looked at me blankly, a ‘are you kidding me’ look upon her face. Of course she wanted to hear about my gay problems. That’s the kinda girl she was, not only was she caring and nosy but she was one of them girls who freak out and ‘aw’ at all gay men. She is like, gay obsessed, I guess we can call it

“Your kidding me right?” Amaria asked, her mouth devouring a fry

“Well, no I guess not. I just don’t want to talk about it”

“…and you know your going to have to. One because you’ll explode if you don’t and two because I’m a nosy bitch and I’ll get it out of you anyway. So if you would like to precede with this denial you may, but please know Mr. Thomas, that we are not going anywhere, and I mean anywhere, until you tell me. End of story”

I really hate controlling people sometimes. I mean, I’m a submissive person but sometimes I wish I wasn’t. I don’t want everyone I ever meet to be able to pry into my head

I roll my eyes at the junior and ask her, “What do you want to know?”

She squealed in happiness, leaning closer to me over the table. God, she was acting like we were two teenage girls that were telling each other about the boys we secretly have crushes on and about how hot they are

…Well I guess in away we are. We are teens, she is a girl and I am gay, and we are talking about a boy that I secretly like…damn it!

“What were you thinking about after school and why did you look all emo?”

“How John and Cidney aren’t talking to me and about how much of a slut I am”

“…explain”

“Ugh, fine,” I let out an aspirated sigh, letting her know I wasn’t happy about this. Sadly I only saw her smirk a bit instead of feel guilty for making me confess this shit, “John and Cidney are ignoring me”

And then I stopped. I didn’t want to tell her, really I didn’t. But its like, I had to and I hate feeling that pressure. But then she’d get all pouty and sad that I’m keeping something from her and then I’d have to tell her anyway because I’d feel like an ass for making her sad

God help me

“…again, explain. Elaborate! Why aren’t they talking to you?” She was so impatient!

“Because I talk to Justin,” At this she made a face of disgust but other then that did not respond, “And well, they hate them as do you and probably half the school. But he’s a cool kid, really he is, once he isn’t high and stuff. And he never is around me! And I tried to explain that to Cid and John but they just were so angry, Cidney didn’t even say anything she was so pissed! She looked, calm almost!

“And then, Aiden, for god sakes the kid is fucking bipolar or retarded or, in desperate need of anger management. I swear, he needs help. He gives me so many mixed signals and they are all so confusing and I just don’t even know how to act around him anymore! It use to be like…he was a dick so I was too. End of story, that’s just how it was. And now, now that I like him and he…he showed some affection towards me, I don’t know what to do. Does he like me? Does he hate me? He held my hand one day and the next he slammed the door on my face! I mean, he has to like me right? At least a little? I don’t know! Ugh!” At this I put my head in my hands, pulling somewhat at my hair.

My voice was getting louder as I spoke, frustration I didn’t even know I had, getting the best of me

Amaria just sat there and listened, a calculating look on her face. She was a good listener

I continued, “And now, now today happened and it only left me more in the dark. Aiden got mad at me, got un-mad at me and then ignored me and, found this book I was looking for and then hasn’t talked to me for the rest of the day. He didn’t even bother to come to lunch, or at least I don’t think he did. I wasn’t there the whole time, I left, anyway. After Cidney and John got mad at me Justin and I…Justin and I ugh, we” I had to pause for a moment, did I really want to tell her this?

No one except Justin’s friends were okay with us fooling around. I don’t know if I can trust her to keep this a secret

She only looked at my expectantly

“Ugh, fuck it. Me and Justin fooled around in the bathroom, helped me let go of some stress. And once I got back to class they wouldn’t even look at me. They ignored me for the rest of the day and now I still have to stay at John’s house for a week until my parents get back. So I’m stuck in the house with people who pretty much want to kill me” I came to a conclusion with a sigh, my head on the table as I waited for Amaria’s two sense

“Well, first off I’d like to point out the fact that your screwed,” She says, making roll my eyes at the obvious realization

“And that messing around with Justin was the stupidest fucking thing you could ever do, not only because you are using each other but because your suppose to like Aiden and fucking around with some guy in a bathroom is not a way to prove it! How long as this been going on for?!”

I hate how much of a whore she made me feel like, like I was pathetic and worthless and like I’d something morally corrupt…well I guess in a way I am…

“…Well it started a couple months a go and ended not to long ago. But then today Justin approached me with the offer and I couldn’t turn him down. So today was the first time in awhile. And its not sex, I mean, its anything but butt sex”

Amaria nodded, “Okay, so that isn’t so bad…But. You are pretty fucked. I mean, I’m not sure what to tell you. You truly stumped me on this one. John and Cidney are never going to except you talking to Justin and if they ever find out about what you are doing behind there backs then you can pretty much say goodbye to your friendship. And as for Aiden, well he’s Aiden. I know he’s had boyfriends before but none of them stuck around long because he isn’t exactly the relationship type. So be careful with him Sky, don’t get wrapped up in your feelings or attached. Its only going to hurt

“Now, I’m done my chicken and what not so I’m going to go. John lives not to far away so I’m going to have to ask you to walk. And don’t argue with me. You need to think and a walk is good for that. Plus I need to go yell at my own boyfriend. Bye Sky, I love you”

And with a departing kiss on the cheek she left me alone, in McDonalds, starring down blankly at my almost untouched food and thinking a lot harder then I ever have before.