Keeping Time

I sat on the roof by myself, the air especially chilly tonight. Raymond had fallen asleep in the armchair again, against his best efforts to stay awake.

I laid back and gazed at the stars. You didn't see stars like this in New Greenwich unless they were man-made.

Two days had passed since Raymond had said we were going back, but we were still in the Ghetto. I didn't know if I wanted to go back to New Greenwich. There was nothing there for me. Although, there wasn't anything here for me either.

I stood up slowly, rubbing at the goose flesh on my arms.

“So this is where you go,” Ray said from behind me, making me jump. I covered my chest with my hand, feeling my rapid heartbeat beneath my palm.

“And now you've ruined it, thank you,” I snapped at him, turning to look at his disheveled appearance. He had probably woken up, and searched the whole apartment for me before coming up here. His eyes were bloodshot, his skin almost translucent, and his hair was a mess, his clothing matching his hair.

“How have I ruined it?” He asked, and I turned away from him, still startled.

“It was the one place I could be alone,” I explained to him and he shuffled his feet.

I turned back to him, and hadn't realized he'd shuffled forward. He was now about half a foot away from me. My heart hammered in my chest.

“Why would someone who's around people day in and day out, want to be alone?” He asked, referring to my old life. I swallowed the lump in my throat and met his piercing gaze.

“It gets a little sickening, being someone you're not. I wanted escape, and I got it. I had everything anyone could ask for, then I let it all slip from my grasp. I like being alone because that means I don't have to deal with anyone saying how disappointed they are in me and how they wish I was someone else,” I told him. He looked surprised that I had given him a real answer. I had just revealed myself to him and he didn't know how to respond.

“I'm not disappointed in you,” he said and I barked a cruel, sarcastic laugh. My wall was being built back up against him, and he was fighting as hard as he could to keep it down.

“I can't even protect myself against a couple of low life thugs. Don't make me laugh, Raymond,” I snapped and he gripped my jaw with his fingers. He forced me to look into his eyes and my stomach rolled when our eyes met.

“I'm not disappointed in you. You're a strong girl, Loveena. Your father would be proud too, if he could see you now. You've survived in the Ghetto, a place he didn't even step foot in,” Raymond told me firmly, and I blinked back tears. I gently took his hand away from my face and took a step back from him.

“Thank you, Raymond, but I didn't even give my father the time of day, I'm positive he wouldn't care less about what I was doing,” I said, as I turned my back and prepared to go back to the apartment.

“Are you so proud that what I say doesn't matter?” Raymond yelled at my back, making me freeze as his voice echoed in the sleeping city.

I waited a couple of seconds, to see if he made a move toward me, then I continued down into the apartment.

I sat on the couch, my face emotionless as stone as Raymond climbed in a minute after me. He didn't look at me as he went past, into the bathroom.

I heaved a shaky sigh and laid my head back on the couch as Ray ran water in the sink. I listened to him for a moment, then he turned off the water.

“I'm not too proud to listen to you, I just don't want to hear that my father is- was- proud of me,” I said when he came out of the bathroom. He went into the kitchen, continuing to ignore me.

I got up, and went to the kitchen to find him leaning against the counter, facing me.

“Why not? Because you were a party girl? Because you hate yourself for letting him die? Because it might've been one of your buddies that murdered him?” Raymond spat, and I took a step back as if he had struck me.

“What did you say?” I whispered, rage building up in my body. His face didn't change as he stared me down.

“It could have been one of your friends that killed your father,” he said again, just as harshly. I felt like choking the life out of him. I felt like falling to my knees and agreeing with him. I felt like ripping his vocal cords from his throat. I felt all of this, all at once.

Instead of acting on any of my feelings, I took a deep breath and walked out of the kitchen. I went to the living room, slipped on my shoes, took Ray's gun, and left the apartment without a word. He must have known I had left, because I had slammed the door hard enough to wake the whole city.
---

I walked for a long time. Not many people were out this late, and most of them steered clear when they saw the gun glinting on my hip in plain view.

“Ah, Loveena! What brings you to this part of the Ghetto?” Someone says to my left, and I realize it's the man Raymond had taken me to two days ago: Howard. He was sitting on a stoop with a cigarette between his fingertips. His eyes shifted to the gun, then to my face.

“I just needed some fresh air,” I answered, and accepted the cigarette he offered me.

“Did you and Ray get into a quarrel?” He asked and lit my cigarette for me. I took a long drag and sat next to the dangerous man.

“You could say that,” I answered. The rage and hate coursing through my veins was greeted by the nicotine, and calmed into a buzz.

“I know who you really are, love,” Howard whispers and I turned cold.

“What do you mean?” I was trying to play dumb, but my fingers are shaking now.

“You're from New Greenwich. Your father was just killed. Raymond shouldn't have used your real name, sweetheart. You wanna know who killed your daddy?” He seemed to be mocking me now. I felt people behind me now.

“Yes,” I answered and Howard chuckled.

“He doesn't live around here anymore, but he used to. His name is Johnny Penning. He came crawling back here, saying you had broken his little heart. I'm sure you don't remember now, this had to of been 3 years ago. He never lets things go.”

I did remember him. He was lean, tall, with a head of beautiful blond curls. He had the most charming smile, and a wicked, violent temper. He had lost his temper a few times with me, and had knocked me against a wall, or kicked my ribs. I had left him in the middle of the night, and had a few people get him back to the Ghetto where he clearly belonged.

“He found where you lived. He went to kill you, and found your father instead. Want to hear how he killed your father?” He didn't wait for me to answer. “He shot him him the leg, and watched him stumble and limp down the hallway. Johnny then struck him down, stole his time, and shot him several times in the chest. He was going to wait for you to be home, but he was afraid someone had heard the gunshots,” Howard told me. I was shaking, inside and out. I felt like I had to throw up.

“How do you know all this?” I asked.

“He told me to give you a message. When you get back to New Greenwich, go home. He'll be waiting for you there. And don't bring any trouble along, or he'll kill someone else you love. If you don't leave tomorrow, I get to send my men after you. Am I clear?” Howard gripped my chin, not as gently as Ray had done previously tonight, and forced my head to turn and look at him. His eyes blazed with insane cruelty. “Am. I. Clear?”

“Chrystal.”
---

I stumbled back to the apartment. I had grabbed the gun for nothing. It hadn't helped me.

Raymond was sitting on the building's steps, waiting for me. He looked sorry as hell when he saw me.

“I'm-”

“Shut up,” I growled, cutting him off, and sliding past him into the building. I went to our apartment and then broke down. I slid to the floor against the wall and just shook. Raymond tried to help and find out what had happened, but there was no way I could tell him.

“I ran into Howard. He had some more information. We have to go back tomorrow, or his lead wont help at all,” I told him. I was trying to control my emotions. I had completely forgiven Ray for what he had said, because it was true. Johnny had killed my father, looking for me. He had previously been my 'buddy'.

Then something hit me like a brick: I was going to die tomorrow.

I hugged Raymond. No matter what, I was going to die. If I told him, someone else was going to die, then I was going to die. If I didn't tell him, I was going to die. There was just no winning in a situation like this.

“Ray?” I whispered and he pulled back to look at me.

Before he could ask what I needed, I planted my lips on his. He was shocked at first, but as I combed my fingers into his hair, he responded hungrily.

He kissed me deeply, leaving me breathless as his lips went to my throat.

If I was going to die tomorrow, I wanted my last night alive to be with Raymond. I wanted to explore every bit and piece of him.

But you hate him. The voice in my head stated and I forced Raymond's lips back to my own. This is far from hate. I don't love him, but I could. I could love him, just if I had more time.

He pushed back against my lips, but this was rather awkward while we were both sitting on the floor. He pulled my legs up and around his waist, so we could get closer. I forced him back into a laying position, pulling at his shirt and belt. He stopped my hands and met my eyes with his cold eyes that were alive with fire.

“What brought this on?” He asked and I kissed him briefly.

“Do you want me to go back to my old ways?” I asked. I don't think I could just get up and walk away at this point though.

“No,” he breathed, happy with my response.

We tugged at each others clothing, breathing hard. We switched positions all over the apartment, trading the lead roles and staying up until dawn. By then, we were both on the couch. I was curled into a ball at his side.

“You have no idea how long I wanted that,” Raymond stated, his skin glistening beautifully.

“Thank you for not pulling away when I kissed you,” I murmured and kissed the stubble on his cheek.

“When this investigation is over, come stay with me,” Ray suggested. He wanted me with him. He wanted me.

My impending doom put a damper on things.

“I'm yours,” I whispered and listened to his heartbeat.

I wanted more than anything to tell him I was going to die today and to somehow save me.