Breathe, Caroline

I sighed as I twirled the bracelet around my skinny wrist. I didn't even know why I still wore it. Matt and I were done for good this time. Finished. History. There was absolutely no reason for me to continue wearing this absurd little trinket. It wasn't even that nice; in fact, I'm sure the gems were fake. But then why didn't I take it off? Was it because I hoped Matt and I could give it another try?

"Caroline, where are you?" a joyfully familiar and comforting voice called out. This voice belonged to Zacky Baker, who just so happened to be one of my closest and dearest friends. He'd helped me though all this shit with Matt, and for that I'd be forever grateful.

"I'm out here," I hollered back, my eyes still locked onto the bracelet. God, this thing was ugly. 

Zacky sat down on the concrete stair next to me with a smile on his chubby face. I returned it weakly. Zacky always had a smile on his face, and it was rather contagious. "What are you doing out here, silly?" he asked, poking my arm. "Everyone else is inside."

"I'm just thinking," I said blankly. 

"About Matt?" Zacky asked softly. God, he knew me so well. I nodded just slightly, and Zacky sighed. I knew he hated to see me unhappy, but there really wasn't anything he could do. I still loved Matt, and it pained me to let him go. "Come on, Caroline. He's not worth your time."

"But I love him," I whimpered. I could feel the tears welling in my green eyes already, and I hastily pawed them away. It wasn't that I minded crying in front of Zacky - I'd done it far too many times to count already - it was just that I was sick and fucking tired of shedding tears over Matt. "For some reason I can't stop thinking about him."

Zacky wrapped his tattooed arm around my skinny shoulders and pulled me close to his body. He was so warm, and his smell was so comforting, so familiar. "Well maybe I can help you out by giving you something else to think about," Zacky offered. "You've always said you wanted to go to Disneyland, right? How about I take you next weekend?"

"Zack, are you fucking serious?!" I squealed, looking to him with wide, bright eyes. I'd always dreamed of going to Disneyland, ever since I was a little girl. The commercials on televisional made it seem like the most magical place on earth. But with my mom attempting to raise myself and my three siblings alone, I never had a chance to go as a child. Zacky nodded his head, his smiling growing wider, and I launched myself at him, wrapping my arms around his thick neck. "Oh, thank you, Zacky! You're the best friend in the whole Goddamn world. I dunno what I'd do without you. God, I love you."

Something strange flashed through Zacky's vibrant green eyes, but it was gone far too quickly for me to ponder what it was. "I um, love you, too, Caroline," he replied.

♪•♫•♪•♫•♪•♫•♪•♫•♪

"Oh Zack, I'm so excited!" I squeaked, grabbing his hand. He chuckled lightly, letting his eyes slip shut. As of now, the two of us had been standing in line at the front gate for nearly two hours, but it was completely worth it. Besides, two hours flew by in the blink of an eye when I was with Zacky.

"It would be way more exciting if we could get in the damn gate," Zacky joked. He craned his neck to try and see the front of the line. "At least we're close."

Fifteen minutes later, Zacky and I were finally inside the amusment park. To say I was excited to finally be at the place of my childhood dreams was an understatement. I couldn't believe Zacky had just spent a hundred and fifty dollars to make me forget about Matt for one afternoon.

"Why are you wearing that bracelet?" Zacky asked warily. I noticed his eyes trained on my wrist, and I rubbed the jewelry over my skin. "I thought you hated it because Matt gave it to you."

"No, I like it," I contradicted, studying the bracelet. It was so pretty; the gems were absolutely breathtaking. Smiling, I looked back up at Zacky. "Let's go ride a few rides, Zack," I suggested, and he nodded, but I noticed a bit of hesitation in his movements. 

The first ride Zack and I went to was the spinning teacups. For some reason this was the ride I was most excited about. Perhaps it was because I just always associated the teacups with Disneyland. I held Zack's hand as we waited in line, and I noticed that palm began to get a little sweaty after several minutes. Obviously noticing this, too, Zacky let go of my hand and wiped his palm on the denim of his jeans before grabbing my hand again. "Sorry 'bout that," he mumbled. "Guess it's getting a little warm outside."

It's no warmer than it normally is, I thought, but I outwardly I just smiled and poked a bit of fun at my friend. Something was up with this boy today and I was determined to find out what.

♪•♫•♪•♫•♪•♫•♪•♫•♪

"So are you hungry, Caroline?" Zacky asked. 

"Famished, actually," I replied with a laugh. I dug into my pocket for the cash I'd brought along, but Zacky stopped me by wrapping his hand around my wrist. Subconsciously, I knew he'd do this. Zacky rarely let me pay for anything when we were together.

"Let me get that," he offered sweetly. I smiled at him and on a whim kissed his cheek in thanks. My friend blushed a deep red as I pulled away, and I laughed at him playfully. The unnatural rouge color on his normally pale skin was so damn adorable. "W-What do you want to eat?"

"A cheeseburger, please and thank you," I chirped. I nudged Zacky playfully with my elbow and he grunted. "You know how I like 'em."

"Yea, it's practically a mustard sandwich with a little meat on it," Zacky teased. I pouted and punched his arm; he rubbed it, complaining that I was far too abusive. The two of us stood in line for another twenty minutes or so before we reached the kiosk. Zacky bought me a cheeseburger and himself a chicken strip basket. I remembered Zacky had always been more of a fan of chicken than beef. He also ordered us a beer apiece, and once we'd collected our meals, we took a seat at a free table outside.

"I hope you're having a good time, Caroline," Zacky said softly, speaking up suddenly after two quiet minutes. His green eyes were trained on me, and something I'd never quite noticed before filled them to the brim. I knew something was up with Zacky today; he hadn't been himself. My Zacky would have drank himself silly and gotten kicked out of the park, but I wouldn't have minded because that was Zacky and I'd accepted that a long time ago. 

"I'm having a good time, Zack," I assured. "I promise."

With a sigh, Zacky pushed away his food and set his elbows on the table; from here he rested his head in his hands. Now I was confused. What on earth had prompted this sudden change in his demeanor? Was it something I did? "Caroline, can I ask you something?" he mumbled. I told him that yes, he could, and he added, "Do you love me?"

Blinking back a bit of surprise, I launched into an speech of sorts that I'd given to Zacky several times, give or take a few phrases. "Of course I love you! You're my best fucking friend, Zack. I couldn't imagine my life without you. You make me smile when I'm sad, you make me laugh when I wanna rip someone's head off. You helped me through all that shit with Matt, and that involved a hell of a lot of committment. So yea, I love you, Zacky."

"No what I meant was…do you love me love me?" Zacky asked shakily. He looked up at me, and I could finally see in his eyes what I'd been blind to for years: Zacky was in love with me.

"Zacky, I love you like a brother," I whispered. I glanced down at my cheeseburger, which had previously seemed incredibly appetizing, but now the smell made me sick to my stomach. "But the love you're talking about…I-I don't feel that for you. I'm sorry, but we're nothing more than good friends, Zack. Matt--"

"Oh, why are you bringing Matt up?" Zacky snarled, spitting his friend's name as if it were acid. "He broke your heart, remember? You cried for weeks, Caroline. You hated him."

"Yes, but me and him sat down and talked about things, and…we've decided to get back together," I whispered. I looked to the table, for some reason not able to look Zack in the face. He showed his feelings through his eyes, and I knew that once I witnessed the heartbreak I knew to be in his emerald gems, I'd never be able to look at him the same way again. Well, to be honest, I don't think I'd ever be able to look at him the same way even now.

"You and Matt are getting back together?" Zacky breathed. He sounded so broken, so fragile. I nodded, and I could see Zacky's heart breaking through his sea-green eyes. Without another word, my friend stood up from his seat and flew away. I was tempted to follow him, but I knew Zacky more then likely just wanted some space.

Breathe Caroline, I thought as I watched him walk away. Just breathe.

♪•♫•♪•♫•♪•♫•♪•♫•♪

I left the amusement park that day without Zack. I ended up having to have Matt come and pick me up. Even now, two weeks after the fact, I still hadn't heard from Zacky. Despite not being on the best of terms with my best friend, I tried hard to start things off right with Matt, and I was determined to make it work this time.

"Why are you still staring at your damn phone, Caroline?" Matt asked, drawing my attention away from the aforementioned cellular device. 

"Because I'm waiting for Zack to call," I said with a sigh. 

Matt's honey-colored gaze hardened. The burly, tattooed man got a tad bit jealous when I spoke to other men - even his own friends - and he lost his temper easily. This volatile combination was the reason he and I called it quits the first time. I hoped and prayed to God that it wouldn't break us again. 

"I don't like you talking to him," he stated definitely, crossing his large arms over his chest. He seemed to think that just by saying this he would end the coversation and cut off my contact with Zack. But he was sorely mistaken.

"Zacky is one of my best friends, and I won't have you telling me I can't talk to him," I replied hotly.

Matt's jaw clenched; I began to fear scared but refused to let it show. "You're my girlfriend, Caroline--" 

"Not for much longer if you keep this jealous shit up," I cut in. I wasn't going to let him say that he controlled me. I wasn't some piece of his furniture.

"Well Caroline, if that's how you feel than maybe you should just leave," Matt suggested, his voice deadpan and calm. "Again."

Tears sprang to my eyes, and this time it was my turn to set my jaw. I could feel the tears burning, ready to fall, but I met Matt's angry gaze with furious determination. "You know, I think I might," I hissed, heading for the door. "I'll be back later for my shit."

♪•♫•♪•♫•♪•♫•♪•♫•♪

Fifteen minutes later I was sitting at the pier, legs dangling over the edge and tears rolling down my cheeks. I knew this time would be the last time I'd walk out on Matt; there was no longer anything for us to salvage. It was over, for good this time. My eyes fell upon the bracelet around my wrist, and in a sudden fit of fury, I yanked it off my wrist and hurled it into the ocean. 

"Fuck!" I shouted, and then I drew my bare legs up to my chest and cried into my knees.

"Caroline?" a familiar voice said. This voice was soft and kind, and when I swiveled around I wasn't surprised to meet the sparkling green gaze of my best friend. He saw my tears and frowned. "What's wrong?" he asked, sitting down next to me.

"M-Matt," I sobbed. "We b-broke up."

At the mention of Matt, Zacky shied away. I knew the day at Disneyland - and my rejection - was still fresh on his mind, and he resented that his friend had stolen away my heart. "Oh Caroline, I'm sorry," he said, his voice opaque. "But you guys'll probably get back together, right?"

I shook my head wildly. "No, it-it's for good t-this time," I said, sniffling. "I'm just…I'm just tired of him thinking he controls me. I'm not his fucking property." Suddenly I stopped and looked at Zacky's hand, which he'd laid upon my knee. There was something about this comforting gesture that sparked something inside of me, but I just couldn't place what it was. "I'm sorry, Zack," I spit out.

"For what?"

"For breaking your heart," I whispered, and Zack's hand fell away from my knee.

"Oh," he said. Things fell silent for a few minutes as Zacky and I watched the sun setting, and then he spoke up again. "Caroline, can you see us…can you see us ever being together? Like, as more than friends?"

I shrugged my shoulders, my gaze still fixated on the descending sun. "I dunno, Zacky," I said. "Right now, I've got to sort out my feelings for Matt. Because if we ever did get together, I'd want to be able to give you my whole heart, because you're the kind of guy who deserves that. You deserve better than to be my rebound."

"So…maybe later?" Zacky asked hopefully.

I looked over and connected our gazes; I cracked a grin at my old friend and he returned it. "Yes Zack, maybe later."