Confusion

Seb never came home that night.

I waited for him, trying my hardest to stay awake so that when he did come home I would be the first thing he sees as he walks through the front door.

But he didn’t. I stayed up until 5:30 AM, until I finally realized that maybe he forgot about me, that maybe he had somewhere more important to be than being home with me.

Probably with someone more important than me.

At that thought, I burst out crying. I’m not usually a cry-baby, I try to stay strong and think rationally about how to solve the problem at hand. But this, this really hurt me. It’s like he completely forgot about me. I don’t mean that he can’t go out, but he could’ve at least called to warn me, so that I wouldn’t have had to worry for his safety so much.

God, that makes me sound like a freaking mom. Cue eye rolling.

After I got myself together, I got ready for school, not even bothering trying to sleep since without Seb’s car, I would have to walk to school, and considering it usually takes about twenty minutes by car, I would guess that it would take me about two hours to get there by foot.

I hope Seb’s ready for my screaming when he comes home, because I am seriously pissed off.

***

Three days have passed and Seb’s not home.

By now I’m way past the anger; I’m seriously worried. What if something had happened to him? Should I go to the police and file a missing person report? What should I freaking do?!

Just as I was on the verge of freaking out, the front door opened. Only one other person has the key to that lock.

I ran down the stairs as fast as possible, trying not to trip on the last few steps, and basically threw myself in Seb’s arms.

“Whoa! Hey there, buddy,” said Seb, catching me in his arms.

Hearing his voice made me start crying, and while he still held me, I started hitting his chest with my fists, even though I was as weak as a crying girl hitting her boyfriend with a purse and so wasn’t even hurting him.

“You’re so fucking stupid!! Do you have any idea of how worried I was?! How could you do that to me?! I thought you were lying dead somewhere in a ditch!! I haven’t slept in three days because of you!! How could you forget me like that and come back home greeting me with a fucking ‘Hey buddy’?!” I was still crying, so my words came out a little jumbled up, and I hope he heard me loud and clear because I don’t feel like repeating myself to this ass.

Needless to say, I become a bit vulgar when angry.

Seb looked a bit taken aback by my outburst, his eyes slightly widening and his breath coming out short as he tried to stop my hands from hitting him. “I’m sorry, I just needed some time… away.”

Wrong thing to say. “You needed some time away? You fucking needed some time AWAY?! What the fuck is wrong with you?!?! You didn’t even think about letting your brother know that you wouldn’t be coming home for a while? And why would you need time away from the house anyway? I’m the only one here,” I finished to say, calming down a little and stopping hitting him.

He looked downwards, like his shoes where the most interesting things in the room, and remained quiet. Almost like he felt ashamed.

“Oh.”

He was avoiding me. He needed time away from me. I’m the reason why he didn’t come home, much less call to tell me his whereabouts. He didn’t want me to know where he’d gone.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt so hurt in my life. Knowing that even your brother, your own flesh and blood, doesn’t want you, has to be one of the worst pains known to man. At least, to me it feels like it is. And what makes it worse is that I don’t even know why.

Why didn’t he want to be around me? What changed that he’s become repulsed by my mere presence?

After three days of crying myself to sleep I thought that maybe I would be out of tears. Apparently not.

“I’m sorry I’m such a bother to you. I’ll, I’ll just go to my room now,” I whispered, looking everywhere but at him.

I slowly detached myself from him and made my way towards my room, hoping that he would stop me, hoping that least he still loved me in some way.

He didn’t.

I guess I really was just the piece of trash my parents had told me I was. Seb had always made sure to make it clear to me that it wasn’t true, that they were just bastards out to make their children’s life miserable for whatever reason their sick mind had made up at the time.

Maybe Seb had changed his idea of me. I must’ve done something terribly wrong for him to change it so drastically in such a short period of time.

Why can’t I ever do anything right? I should just refuse the principal’s offer of taking in the Polish student; who’d like to live in a broken home with a useless person as a classmate and roommate? That’s right, no one.

Sighing, I crawled on my bed and just curled myself in a fetal position, not even bothering to change out of my school clothes or putting myself under the covers, trying, unsuccessfully might I add, to find some comfort in my own warmth.

I took my cellphone out of my pocket; no new messages.

I looked through my phone-book trying to find someone to call so that I wouldn’t feel so lonely and freakish, when I realized that I only had three numbers in it. Sad, right? The worst part? Those three numbers were Seb’s, my school’s, and my favorite pizza place’s.

I guess Seb’s right to ignore me. I’m just a freakish loner that wastes his brother’s space and money.

I don’t even know how he puts up with me. I should just run away, spare him the torture of seeing me everyday and make myself useful to my country by becoming a Marine or something like that.

Filled with these depressing thoughts, I fell asleep, my mind taking over with nightmares of a lonely future awaiting for me.