A Wag's Life

25th September 2008:
Today was the day that Sandra pissed me off. She was supposed to go to India or Italy or Timbukfriggintu! But no! She decided that she’d stay. Phil Jagielka made it very clear to her that he wasn’t interested in being with her. And there was a reason. Me. I knew I was the reason, even if Phil Jagielka didn’t say I was but I am.

I’ll just start from the beginning. So I was at home and Phil Jagielka was lying next to me in my bed. This was the latest friend thing we did, we’d have proper sleepovers where we’d eat crap all night. Well, I’d buy loads of chocolate and stare at it, which made me feel bloated because even staring at chocolate can make you put on weight. So anyway we had our normal sleepover like normal friends do and this morning there was a knock on the door. I thought it would be Roy asking for my credit card, but no, it was Sandra.

Anyway, I followed Phil Jagielka and was halfway down the stairs when he answered the door. And she’s standing there. Her hair is all over the place, she looks like she’s had hardly any sleep, yes, I know I’m sounding bitchy right now, but we were so close to getting together and then she turned up!!! Anyway she was all like: “I couldn’t go Phil Jagielka.” I must note that I’m going to mime that in my bitchiest voice later, but that’s not important. So anyway she was like: “I couldn’t go Phil Jagielka.” Which is my thing by the way. I call him by his full name. No one else. Sorry, I’m getting distracted, for the last time she was saying: “I couldn’t go Phil Jagielka.” And Phil Jagielka was quiet for a moment, I thought this is your chance tell her that you can’t be with her because you love me and then you can take me in your arms and kiss me. And then we’ll go on an expensive holiday and get a nice sun tan and live happily ever after. That’s how us WAG’s are supposed to live.

But does he do that? No! NO! NO!

Instead he’s all like: “Thank God.” And the next thing I know, he picks her up, spins her around and kisses her. I should be the one he picks up and spins around like in the movies! I’m the one his lips should be touching. I’m the one who should be a WAG, admittedly he’s no Liverpool Player, but I could change that. What if I’m the girl that makes Phil Jagielka convert to Liverpool?! I could so do that! And then I could laze around and look pretty for the paparazzi pictures for the rest of my life! That’s how it’s supposed to be. This Sandra woman is not supposed to swan in on my territory and take my almost man!

I needed an escape route. Those two were clearly going to be all lovey dovey and there was no way I could be around that. So I called an emergency pub meeting. Once again Alex, Abbey, Sami and Fernando were there. Steven didn’t want to come as he didn’t feel like drinking in the day. However, the other four will do. So I was at the table enjoying a Martini and just wish I could have some tequila right now, but apparently this pub don’t sell them in the day. “So how is everyone?” Fernando asks grinning.
“Hung over.” Alex replies.
“Happy.” Abbey smiles.
“I’m looking for my next lay.” Sami responds.
“Pissed off!” I say.

Fernando looks at all of us and is shocked. “Summer, what is the issue with you?”
“Well, Sandra, last name bitch has stolen Phil Jagielka from me?”
“I thought you weren’t going out.”

Suddenly I got worried and started feeling uncomfortable about this conversation. “I’m not. I don’t even like him. You like him. Shut up Fernando.”
“Wow, I feel like you played the part of me and you in that conversation.” He turned to Abbey. “So how have you been?”
“I’m ok, Peter is happy for me to stay in Liverpool for as long as possible.”
“Wow, is that so? If I was Peter I’d stay with you all the time.” As Fernando said this I raised my eyebrow in disbelief and suddenly Sami joined in with the conversation. Well, changed the subject anyway. “Guys! I have a dilemma!”
“Don’t listen he’s going to talk about his penis.” Alex informed us, but Sami continued anyway and we were forced to listen. “You see, I love my penis. And yesterday I was making the moves on this woman and she told me if I attempted to have a one night stand she’d cut it off. And now I’m torn. Do I risk it and hope for the best? Or do I stay a secondary virgin for the rest of my life?! I’m so confused.” In that moment Sami’s head went on the table and he started crying. Real tears and all. “We didn’t have enough time together before this disaster struck.” He was still on about him and his… Body parts…
“Why do I hang out with you?” Alex asks him and he just doesn’t answer.

And as I watch Sami, crying about his body parts, I realise something he could help me. So I sat next to him and placed a hand on his shoulder. “Sami, don’t listen to this woman! You’re stronger than that.”
“I am?”
“Yes, don’t let her stop you from getting to your two hundredth, thousandth, whatever it is lover.”
“Your right! I shall not be tamed!” He yells out and the whole pub stares at him. I flashed him a bright smile. “Fancy pretending to be my boyfriend.”
“You mean, you want me to pretend to have a relationship with you? I can’t do that, I’m allergic to relationships with anyone.”
“It won’t be real.”
“No, I will not get anywhere near the R word!” He protests.
“I’ll let you touch one of my boobs.”
“Will there be no bra?”
“Over the bra and shirt.” I respond. He thinks for a moment and then shakes my hand.
“You’ve got yourself a deal.” He grins and hugs me. Brilliant! This plan is going to work like a charm.

After this was decided I grabbed Sami’s hand. “Right, we are going back to mine.”
“Oh what for?”
“To make Phil Jagielka jealous.” I grin.
“Ok, but if he hits me I touch your boob without the bra.”
“Deal.” I say. There was no way Phil Jagielka would hit anyone.

So we got to mine and immediately as I walked through the door I saw Phil Jagielka and Sandra talking on the sofa. So immediately upon seeing that I turn to Sami, throw my arms around him and say: “Your so hunky Sami!”
“You too. Your so hunky Summer.” When he said this I gave him the look and shook my head. How had this man actually slept with so many women if he were calling them hunky?! However, we had to carry on so I basically threw myself at him and kissed him. And the little biatch put his tongue in my mouth! I couldn’t believe it. I pulled away from him and gave him my look that said I don’t remember us rehearsing it this way. Whilst he pretended nothing was going on.

We walked into the front room and Phil Jagielka looked at us strangely. “Wow Summer, I wasn’t expecting you back with Sami.” He states.
“Yeah…” I began and kicked Sami to say his part.
“Yeah, were together now. Never in my life did I think a woman would change me, but I think Summer’s the one.” The way he said it was so monotone. My acting was much better. Well, apart from when I was staring evil daggers at Phil Jagielka’s new girlfriend. “So do you and Summer live together?” Sandra asked.
“Yes we do. Well, sort of, he has his own place, but stays here all the time.” I answered for him.
“Well, you should think about Phil Jagielka here, he’s allergic to dogs and yet you keep your dog.”
“My dog is not leaving!” I complain and hear a knock at the door.

I sigh and walk over to the door and open it, only to see Rapper standing there. “Great Rapper, what the Hell are you doing here?!”
“You made a fool out of me yesterday. The tomato ketchup, the laces, my wife thinks I’m an idiot because of you!”
“Well, you didn’t notice me tying up your laces, so that’s a bit idiotic of you not to notice.”
“I see, well, now just so you know…” And before he finished that sentence he threw a bucket of this yellow gooey stuff and when it hit me I realised it was custard.

Oh Rapper, you did not just do that ruining my designer clothes! “That’s it!” I complained and practically jumped on Rapper, rubbing all the custard off of me onto his nice clean suit. Well, not anymore it isn’t! “Get off me you immature little child!” I rubbed the custard in his hair and in his face and just everywhere. He managed to get me away from him and said: “I should have thought this through.” Before running off into the distance. Mission accomplished. I grinned at besting Rapper again. I closed the door behind me and walked into the front room, Sandra burst out laughing and Phil Jagielka couldn’t help but laugh too. “I’m going for a shower.” I inform everyone, only for Sami Hyypia to quickly jump in at that moment and say: “I’ll come with you.”

The next thing I know I’m walking up the stairs into my room covered in custard. “Ok, so I’m not doing well on the classy scale.”
“Yeah, you’re the most classiest woman I know!” Sami protested.
“Really?”
“Yeah. Now can I touch your boobs?”

I rolled my eyes, ignored him and went to the bathroom where I had a nice, hot shower. After I’d managed to get all that custard out of my hair, I was quick to get into this lush light pink dress with matching heels. I practically dragged Sami downstairs gave him a full on kiss by the door, before making him leave.

Once he was gone I was sat in the front room and Phil Jagielka looked a little awkward. “So Summer, I never realised you were interested in Sami.”
“Yes! He’s amazing. Just amazing. You know how getting to know someone can make love blossom, well, that’s what happened for us.”
“He’s quite a few years older than you remember?”
“Phil Jagielka, age is just a number.”
“Ok…” He sighs and turns to Sandra.
“Right, I’m going to go.” She smiles and brushes her lips against his before leaving.
When she was gone, I looked towards Phil Jagielka. “So are we going to do our usual sleepover thing?” I wondered.
“No, it’s best not, it’s a bit inappropriate now that were both in relationships.”
“Yeah.” I said and he walked upstairs to his room in that moment.

Oh this was not on, not on at all! I had to think of a plan to get Phil Jagielka to come back to me and I had to think of a plan quick. There was no way Sandra was taking away our sleepover type plans! What if I started the friends with benefits thing up with Fernando again? Yes, good idea. So in that moment I called him up and he answered within one ring. “Hello?”
“Hey Fernando, do you still love me?”
“No.”
“Well, I need you sexually.”
“I love you Summer.”
“What?! I thought you said you didn’t love me?”
“Well, that was before you said that, I’ve got to go now. Bye!”

Dammit, Fernando was going to be no use in winning over Phil Jagielka. There has got to be something new I can do. And that’s when the idea popped into my head. I picked out my prettiest pinkest night dress and one of those old pink fashioned hats which were triangular. They’re usually in fairytales and it’s to do with being the damsel in distress and all that. So to get into bed with Phil Jagielka I’d pretend to have a bad dream and he’ll be all manly and see how great it is being close to me and then he’ll break up with Sandra. It would work like a charm. So for an hour I read my favourite book on WAG’s. This one was called WAG’s at the World Cup and I could really relate to the woman. Like her I’ve also had to attach my clothes to my boobs with tape to stop them from falling out, but it doesn’t work. Take it from me.

Anyway, after reading that book for a while I got up and started acting out my best damsel stuff and then I made the long walk to Phil Jagielka’s room. It wasn’t a long walk, but that’s not the point, it felt long. I knocked on his door and he called: “Come in!” And so I did exactly that, my long pink night dress flowing behind me. My hat smacking against the doorframe because of how long it is. “Summer, why are you dressed as Rapunzel?” He asks me, but I ignore this question and start putting my acting skills to the test. “Oh Phil Jagielka! I had a terrible dream!” I said and practically dived onto the bed next to him, throwing my arms around him. “Is this some sort of role playing thing?” He asked me confused.
“No! God Phil Jagielka! What do you think I’m doing pretending to have a bad dream so you’ll want to be with me? Yeah, how stupid is that?”
“Fine, tell me about this dream.”
“I… Umm… I dreamt my dog died.” And then I threw my face into his shoulder. The tears were refusing to fall from my eyes, so I had to stop him from noticing this somehow.

He rubbed my back gently and pulled away slightly so he could gaze into my eyes. His lips brushed against mine for a tender moment and he asked: “Do you want me to break up with Sandra?”
“What?! No! Your crazy! Do you want that? Because you sort of just kissed me.”
“Summer… Admit it, this is all your way of getting things back to the way they were, so you want me to break up with Sandra.” No, I don’t want things back to the way they were! I want to be with you, you silly man! “No, don’t be silly. I wouldn’t ever want you to do that. Stay with her, marry her if you want. I get it.” He looked at me for a long time and suddenly I got embarrassed and confused and felt stupid that I’d even come here. I slowly made my way towards the door, the mini walk of shame when Phil Jagielka takes hold of my hand swiftly and says: “No stay.”

The moment those words pass his lips I lie on the bed next to him and he let’s out a laugh. “Well, you can stay if you take off that ridiculous hat.” I grabbed the long triangular hat and threw it to the floor. He smiled for a moment, before moving his arms around me in a hug and just staying like that until I fell asleep.

Come morning time I woke up and the first thing Phil Jagielka said to me was: “I broke up with Sandra.” I couldn’t believe it, there relationship lasted a day because of me. Just one day. At least Phil Jagielka didn’t seem too sad about it. “I’m sorry.” I say and he smiles and instead folds his arms around me and looks into my eyes. “Why would I want to be with anyone else?” He asked and I thought this is it. This is going to be the moment where he asks me out. We’ve shared a kiss. He knows my feelings and it’s all going to happen. “Why would I when I’ve got a good friend like you keeping me company?”
“Yeah. Were good friends me and you.” I force a smile, telling myself it’s only a matter of time. You’ll be together, just wait for him to realise you’re completely and utterly over Fernando.

And then maybe just maybe it’ll turn out ok. As I thought that I received a text off my phone, it was from Sami:
I thought you was going to let me touch your boob!!! Xx

I laughed and deleted the message before getting up to have breakfast with Phil Jagielka…