Colour

After a while we both pulled away and Josh chuckled holding me at arms length

“What are you laughing for?” I asked, mock offended

“You have no idea how long I have wanted to do that for.”

“Oh yea how long?” I tested

“Since I walked in on you dancing in your room, I remember think that you were stunning and so innocent. Then you saw me and you cussed me out, and you weren’t so innocent anymore.” He chuckled and I hid my face in his shoulder embraced but laughing too.

“It’s freezing, lets get out.” I told Josh

“Yea next time you decide to be reckless and careless can we do something a little warmer please?” Josh laughed boosting me out of the lake and I instantly ran to put my clothes back on.
Even after we had dressed I was still shaking like a leaf, I was sure I was going to get pneumonia and it would be all my own fault.

“Here chuck this on and lets get out of here.” Josh threw me his hoddie and I instantly slipped it on loving the comforting smell of him on it.

Josh got in the drives seat of my car and I didn’t even question him I just handed him the keys and asked where we were going. He told me his house was free.

We pulled up to a little one story home not long later, it wasn’t large but it was nice and cozy and most importantly it was warm.

“Go have a quick shower to warm up I’ll bring you clothes.” Josh said leading me to the bathroom.

I turned on the water making sure it was nice and warm before I stripped of my clothes and quickly got in. That was when my mind finally let lose. What the fuck had just happened Josh kissed me and more then that I kissed him back and I liked it, and I was comforted by it and maybe even a little turned on. I felt weird as to how comfortable I felt with Josh, I knew that in reality I could say anything I wanted to him, I just chose not to. And I could be myself shy and awkward I hadn’t felt this way since before Neil.

Josh’s voice snapped me out of “There are clothes at the door, sorry if there too big.” He yelled through the door. I yelled back thanks. Quickly getting out and drying off finally getting warm once I had thrown on the sweat pants and band shirt Josh had lent me. Yes everything was too big on me I had to roll the pants up several times so they didn’t drag on the floor. But they were warm and smelt of Josh and I was okay with that.

Heading back out Josh showed me his room told me to make myself at home while he quickly showered. I lay back on his bed and checked my phone for the first time realizing instead I had a text message. Opening it, it was from Neil, he had never texted me before always calls that I never answered. This scared the hell out of me because obviously he really wanted to say something, sending it in text he knew I couldn’t ignore it. So I read it and as I did I felt his hauntingly cold shiver run up my back and my heart drop to my stomach.

‘Your avoiding me darling, too bad I found where you are, Elmbridge now that’s a trip ill see you soon baby.’

And with that I felt like my mind and body had shut down.

Josh walked back into the room only moments later though I felt like I had been sitting there for ages by myself.

“Nina what’s the matter?” He asked, I still couldn’t say a word “Nina?” He questioned I shook my head but I just couldn’t form words to express anything. “Your shaking and your scaring me, come here.” Josh told me pulling me under the covers with him he wrapped his arm around me.

I think he thought I was cold, that was why I was shaking and why he wrapped his arm around me to keep me warm. Maybe that wasn’t the case but with his arms around me I felt like maybe he could protect me. So without a word I showed him the text message, he read it aloud.

“Your scared.” It was a statement not a question. “Nina tell me what happened, what did he do to you?” We had both rolled over so we faced each other in bed he played with my fingers and I liked the contact. I dint know how to start this, so I started at the beginning.

“Neil and I had been going out for about three months before anything happened…and even then it started small, we would go to a party and he would just force me to get plastered. And then he got bored of that, so he tried pot and because he did, he forced me to as well.

I know it sounds stupid but he said that if I didn’t do what he wanted me to, he would end it, and I figured once, I would just try it once… once become every weekend. Then every second night.

And when that got boring he would find something else like ecstasy or coke and…” I deadpanned. How did I explain this?

Josh was patient and maybe a little in shock, when I finally looked at him his eyes were already on me.

“It gets worse doesn’t it?” He asked and I silently nodded. “Keep going then.” He told me but it felt like even though I was finally ready to come out and say everything, maybe Josh didn’t want to hear it.

“Josh.” I protested if he wasn’t ready to hear it I wasn’t going to say anything more.

“Tell me Nina please”. His fingers that were playing with mine held my hand tightly.

“I would swallow, snort or inject whatever he told me to, at first cause I didn’t want our relationship to end, but then because I was scared of what would happen if I didn’t.”

“He physically hurt you?” I wasn’t sure if it was a question but I answered it anyway.

“The drugs made him violent.” I nodded “and after a while of him hitting me and kicking into my ribs the pain became less when I was drunk or high.” I didn’t realize I was crying until I felt Josh wipe a tear away.

“Ssshhh, love don’t cry please.” He told me trying to pull me close and into his side. But I refused pushing him away, it wasn’t that I didn’t want Josh near me it was just that I needed to keep talking.

“Please Josh, I just…” I wasn’t making sense.

“I’m sorry” He looked down fiddling with his own hands, I hated the loss of contact.

“But the abuse wasn’t even the worse part of it…well I don’t know maybe it was but. I’m just so ashamed of myself Josh, I hate the person I was. I became so dependent on all of it.” I knew I was crying again. “My parents finally worked it out and I ended up spending three months in rehab and then straight from rehab I was dropped in England.” I didn’t know what else to say, and I couldn’t look at Josh, so I rolled over to get out of the bed.

“Nina don’t leave.” He almost yelled pulling me back into the bed I was a little scared of his reaction. And it made me cry harder.

“Stop crying, come here.” He pulled me into his arms and held me for what felt like the longest time before he spoke.
“Is it that your scared that if you see him again, you’ll go back to that.” I knew exactly what he meant, the drugs. And I nodded profusely.

Josh sat us up so we sat on the bed facing each other. “Look at me.” He said lifting my chin.

“I can’t go back to that Josh I couldn’t handle that again, my body it couldn’t…” He shook his head.

“I don’t know if this guy is serious in his texts okay, but if he does come looking for you, I’m not gonna let him lay a fucken finger on you. Do you understand.”? I knew he was mad but it wasn’t directed at me and I nodded.

Resting my forehead on his.

“You know this is the first time I have opened up about any of this to anyone other then workers at the rehab center.” I told him.

“Not even your parents?” he asked.

“No.” I mumbled, “I made the doctors tell them.”

“You told me that you didn’t want to tell me cause you didn’t want me to look at you differently.” He reminded me and I nodded leaning away from the boy in front of me to look at him properly.

“You still mean something, your past doesn’t change that fact love.” I shook my head.

“I don’t mean shit Josh, it was just…” But he cut me off.

“You are strong, and beautiful and you put me in my place.” I had to smile at him as he kissed me. “And you mean something.”