Set It Off

Hayley's POV

It bothers me to know that I was putting on a show in front of Josh. That I was basically trying desperately to set aside what had happened after Zack's party. Yes, I know exactly what had happened. And it freaks me out.

I've never had a guy contact in like, forever. Yes I had relationships in my younger years, but how I managed to not have body contact with them, I don't know. I'm not close minded though. I know everything about sex. Kisses. Being around guys, having males as my groupies, I wasn't entitled to escape the discussions they shared about it.

Then there's Josh, who, with just a single smile, can turn my stomach into a fucking butterfly garden. He didn't seem to notice though. Good. I know he's got a thing for me, if it's admiration, I can't quite tell yet. Maybe he was fond of me.

I can't read him, can't anticipate what he'll do next. Everything he does is so, well, random. Like that punch, or the sudden question of me not having a boyfriend at the moment. It gets me frustrated.

Sigh.

As we get back in the house, Pierre called out for us to have a break. And by break, he meant a pizza party teamed with Mt. Dew. Lots of Mt. Dew. I let them get busy with their food as I sneak to go to my room.

I can't eat. I don't. The last meal I had was 2 and a half days ago.

All I had were the beers I had last night. I face my mirror and tug my shirt up to my chest. My ribs were starting to form an outline on my ever so pale skin. I have eating disorders. The need to be thin. To stay thin. I was ashamed of it.

Then there's my wrist, adorned with white lines. I used to cut when I was a freshman. I regret it though. I don't think I might to it again any time soon. But, who knows.

All these flaws in me started when my best friend died.

It's also the reason why I haven't had a serious relationship since. I thought of it as a joke.

I sooner realized that, two people are meant to fall in love with each other. But not meant to be together.