Heavy

I felt like my whole body was set on fire. The best feeling I had ever felt. It ended too damn soon. 

"October?" Elsa called from the bathroom, "Where are you? Are you in the bathroom?" 

Gerard and I pulled apart, our lips made a small smacking noise and we looked at each other. We were both blushing, I could see my redden cheeks in the mirror. I could see the red blush underneath Gerard's make up.

"October? Gerard?" 

Elsa's foot steps came towards us. She stood right at the door; "Is everything all right?"

I forced myself to answer her, "Yes, Gerard has a cut...lip." I answer her guiltily; like I was giving him a blow job or something in there.

"I have coffee cakes." She says slower, "I am going to phone your parents about your school work." 
 
I look down at the tile floor, seeing her shadow, "All right, Elsa."

She gave one soft knock on the door, to tell me she trust me. Her soft knock, that's the signal. That's how Elsa lets me know she really cares and trust me. 

I swallow every sad drip of saliva and knock back. I watch her shadow disappear, then I turn to Gerard. His blush was gone, but he still looked a bit flushed in the eyes. 

"So..." He said as he stood.

"So?" I ask with a small smile.

"We kissed." Gerard smiled, this cute, shy smile. 

I nod, "Yeah."

He licked his lips, leaning against the counter, right before me, "I'm not very experienced..."

I wanted to laugh. Laugh because Gerard is fucking gorgeous! How could had said that he wasn't experience?

"BS." I mutter without thinking.

His smile had fallen, "What?"

"Gee, you're gorgeous!" I let my mouth take all the things I thought, "How can you say that? Girls must love you!"

His smile came back, "Gee?" 

I shrug, "It's quicker than Gerard." I say.

"I like it...Toby."

I frown, jokingly, "Two things: 1. Don't call me Toby, 2. Back to our original topic: How can you say you aren't experienced?"

Gerard, he leaned forward, closer to me, "I'm not very attractive, October."

"Excuse me?" I grabbed his cheeks, gently, and forced him to look into the mirror, "You're beautiful. And you have those beautiful eyes, and that cute smile, and..." I stopped myself once I realized what I was doing, "Holy crap."

He grinned wider, "You really like me, don't you?"

I couldn't speak. I didn't know if I really wanted him to know that I like-liked him. I was scared.

But...I opened my mouth, "Yes."

He looked back at me, away from the mirror, and took hold of my wrist, "Good, because I really, really, really like you." 

My stomach rushed with that achy cramping feeling, like when you drop from the top track of a roller coaster. My whole body froze, letting him kiss me again. I hadn't known what to do, but I kissed him back.

He cupped my jaw gently, with both hands and pulled me closer to him. I had shut my eyes and let the feeling build, I never wanted it to end. And I thought, even if it did end, I could do it again.

Gerard had pulled away, almost a minute later and pressed his forehead to mine. I licked my bottom lip, I wanted him even more closer in my veins, in my body. He gave a soft sigh, "I never felt this way about anybody before."

"Me either," I breathed out heavily, being more than honest with him, "You're the first boy to look at me without making a joke."

His lips turned down, he pulled away from me slightly, only to press his lips to mine again. Both of our lips turned up. I was drowning in an overdose of like; not love, like.

"What are we now?" He asked once we parted again.

I shrug, because I don't know. I have no fucking clue. I was a virginal 16 year old girl. I hadn't even kissed a boy till Gerard had kissed me.

"I dunno." I mumbled.

My stomach tied in tough knots as Gerard grabbed my hand, "Be my girlfriend?" He looked unsure of asking.

I was unsure of how to answer.

Naive and dumb me, I say this: "I don't know how."

He laughs. Even I have to chuckle and scold myself for being so damn dumb.

"I don't know how to be a boyfriend, so we'll wing it."

I just nod and attempt to kiss him. The kiss, well, we were both thinking the same and bump heads. Jesus, we both groaned and laughed, but I was more so embarrassed.

Gerard chuckled still, rubbing his forehead, "Let me." He said and pecked my lips.

Ugh, this boy, I swear. He tore me up inside and out.


Once the weather had cleared, Gerard had left. Elsa offered him a ride, but he wanted to walk. I really wanted him to stay, with my wanton attitude. I just wanted him. No ifs ands or buts; Gerard is what I wanted more so than anything.

Elsa, she knew something was up between us. We sat across from me at the kitchen table, "You like him?"

I nod, "Yes."

"He's cute." She smiled at me, "He should be your boyfriend."

I blush, looking away, "You can only dream, El."

"He's a nice boy." She cooed softly, "He is nice to you?"

I nod again, "He is."

"Your parents will be happy to meet him when they come home."

The thought of my parents meetings Gerard didn't sit too well with me. I never knew how'd they would feel having met someone like him. I didn't know if they would judge or accept him. I never wanted that. I wanted to shield and protect him.

"Yeah..." I trailed.

"I like him. They will like them, October." Elsa was trying to convince me.

It didn't work.

But, I never told her.

Later, while lying in my bed, I found it extremely satisfying that I didn't need to cut myself to feel good. I didn't even have a cross thought of reaching for that slick little blade. This had made me very, very happy. Thinking if only Gerard made me very, very happy. But, this worried me quite a bit.

I didn't want to get dependent on him. Again, I have those commitment problems. I didn't want to push him away. I never wanted him to see my flaws and cause him to run away. I was afraid of my own mental state if he had gone away.

All I ever really wanted to do was waste my time being and thinking of Gerard.