Heavy

I had fearful about telling anyone of my and Gerard's relationship; even though, it was the only thing that made me stop cutting. E.I., the group session-meeting thing. I hadn't wanted to be outwardly judged by Vanity and Ms. Attitude and Dex. I hadn't known what Carol would say about it. I couldn't have been sure if it would be good or bad. 

I had shown up on time, thanks to Elsa, and saw Gerard outside the door. My heart always seems to thump whenever he's around. He's the reason for my heart's continuous beating.

"Hey," He spoke with a cool and nonchalant tone, "I missed you."

I blush like a maniac, "I missed you, too." I pecked his cheek, "How is your cheek?"

He touches it gently, "It's fine. Still bruised."

He had still put some make up over it; you couldn't even tell that he had been it. If he had shown it anyway, I wouldn't mind. I will always see him in the most exuberant way.

"It doesn't hurt?"

He shakes his head, "I'm fine, October." He gave me a small smile.

"I'm just making sure." I smiled back at him.

I always have to contain myself from jumping on him and kissing him. 

"Thanks." He kissed my forehead, "Let's go in before they look for us." He gave a soft laugh at this.

I mean this, when I thought it then, I want to runaway with him. I want to end this boring old life and start a new one with him. I would have done anything he want of me.

Because, I had nothing to lose, then. I only cared for Elsa, and even then, I was willing to leave her behind. To start my new life with Gerard; that was a major dream of mine.

Inside the room, all my thoughts had gone. I saw the faces of my three counter parts. The 4 co-stars in my motion picture of a shitty life. 

Carol Jefferies as Carol, The Therapist
Angelique as Ms. Vanity.
Mya as Ms. Attitude.
Dex as Mr. Sloth

"Hello October, Gerard." Carol had greeted us with smiles.

Gerard and I sit in seats; beside one another. There's this look at Vanity gives me, or us. She knows.

"Holy shit. You two hooked up." She says real loud.

I want to slap her. Even now when I remember that moment.

Carol looks over at us, as well as my other 2 co-stars. Dex's jaw slacks, and Mya looks once, then away; she couldn't have been bothered unless the room had been on fire.

"You guys screwed?" Dex asks.

I shake my head vigorously, but no one will listen. Vanity goes off about how weird it is and should be against the rules. Carol is trying to shut her up, and Dex is looking over at Gerard with knowing looks with eager under tones to his dark, haunting, blue eyes. 

Finally, Gerard claps his hands, causing everyone to shut up and look at us. The two of us, King and Queen of the Wristcutters, announcing our like for one another. Telling anyone who will listen that we are in like and are young and how we don't care.

"Look, me and October are happy. We like each other." He says this in a happy way, that you have to curve your lips to keep from smiling.

"That's nice," Carol murmurs, "I'm happy for you two. You each have one another to keep happy and away from dark thoughts."

"It's gross. Goths are gross." Vanity waves her dark hair back.

Mya sucks her teeth, "Whatever. This is lame."

"Nice," Dex says with a funny grin, "I knew it would happen."

I shy away from all this. I never liked being the subject of anyone's talk. I felt like a foreigner lost in translation.

Carol, she sighs contently, "So, besides the relationship, what's new?" She looks all around us, and that's when Vanity opens her mouth.

"They opened a new A&F in the mall..."

I'm already bored. 

I have to look over at Gerard and smile. He smiled back, taking my hand in his. My stomach fills with butterflies as his thumb runs across my knuckles.

I think my heart had even stopped a few times.


After the meeting, Gerard and I left the room last, letting our co-stars rush out so they could gossip among one another. Carol, she had put a hand on our shoulders, smiling; "You two look good together. I hope the both of you heal each other's wounds...inside and out."

Her words had touched my heart. They still do, whenever I think about it. Back then, all I could do was hope that she was right.

"Thanks," Gerard said to her, "we'll try."

I didn't respond, because he had said it all for me. I could try and mend Gerard's wounds when he couldn't. I had, had a feeling I would.

On our way out, I spotted Elsa, and Gerard had tugged at my hand, "Ask her if you can hang out with me. We can get a coffee or somethin'."

I nod shortly, letting his hand go reluctantly. I jogged to the car, opening the door; "Elsa, can I hang out with Gerard?"

Elsa smiles widely. I think she had been waiting forever to leave the house with the notion of being with a friend; "Be back in time for dinner, your parents are expecting to call."

"I will." I say to her; I really did not want to speak to my parents.

Elsa gave me a swift peck on the cheek, "Have fun, October."

I closed the door, smiling, and making my way back to Gerard. He took hold of my hand and we started down the block; "You mind if I smoke?"

"Go ahead."

He let my hand go and lit up a cigarette. He took hold of my hand once again, and we continued our journey. We hadn't had any idea where we were really going, but it was nice to just be together.

We finally got to know each other. We had talked about our favorites things; colors, foods, music, places. Then we talked about school, which was something I had hated discussing.

"I'm going to go to an art school when I have all the money." He told me, he let out a pillar of smoke, almost like a chimney.

"Where?" I had to ask; the fear of him leaving slowly crept it's way in my head.

"I don't know yet. Somewhere close to here...so I can be close to you and my brother."

I had smiled, I had nearly melted again. 

"Close to me?"

He looked at me, tossing the butt of his cigarette, "Of course. I plan to be with you for a long time." He gave a soft laugh.

"You like me that much?" I felt my heart hammering; it had been so unlikely that anyone really liked me.

"Yeah," he had said this in a disbelieved type of voice, "You don't think I do?"

I shrugged my shoulder, shyly letting him know that I hadn't been sure. Gerard pulled me close to him, wrapping his arm around my shoulder, "I really like you, October, I want to be everywhere you are."

In my 16 year old head, I'm not sure how to comprehend this. I wasn't raised like normal teenage girls; these weird feelings are new to me. I had never had a boyfriend, I hadn't ever had a crush before I met Gerard. I hadn't known how to respond to his feelings. All I did was swallow hard and tell him this.

All had done was smile, "You like me, too, right?" He asks and I nod, "You want to be around me too?"

"Of course I do." I answer.

"Then you really don't have to answer me when I say weird shit like that." He chuckled, pressing his lips to my temple.

My body swarms with love bugs and I immediately like everything about Gerard. I like the way he walks, talks. I like the way he talks out the right side of his mouth, I like the way the leather of his jacket seems to stain his skin, and he smells like it when he isn't wearing it. I like the way he says my name. I like it a lot. 

I almost love it.

I can barely catch my breath when I think of him. It's scary almost. I hadn't never, ever felt this way before; it's quite intoxicating.

That's when it truly, utterly hits me. Almost like a stack of bricks hitting my head.

I am in love with Gerard Way.