Heavy

Gerard had pulled his hand from my lap as Elsa walked in. She calls my name, "October?"

"In here." I reply; I swear my cheeks are flushed.

Her wedges make a weird sound on the floor, "Oh. Hello Gerard."

Gerard waves at her, "Hey."

"You two are having a good time?"

"Yes." I answer slowly, trying not to sound too flushed.

"Good. I'm going to go make lunch." Elsa waves to us and walks off into the kitchen.

I look over at Gerard, who's got a smirk on his lips. It takes every little ounce of dignity I have not to jump him. 

"I never wanted you so bad as I do now." Gerard said in a whisper.

My heart almost jumps out of my chest and that tingly sensation takes control of my lower half.

"What do you plan on doing about it?" I challenge him, just to see what he thinks and says.

He looks over my head to watch for Elsa, then he leans over and kisses me. My whole body is again on fire because of him. I feel his tongue brush against my bottom lip and I slowly open my mouth for him. At this exact moment, I don't care if Elsa walks in. I have Gerard and its all good from here.

It feels like only a second we've been kissing when I hears Elsa clear her throat. 

Gerard and I jump apart. We both look at Elsa, feeling nervous. She smiles, though, "Well, this is a surprise."

I rub my neck, "Uh...El, you aren't going to--"

"I am not saying anything, only that I am happy for you." 

For once, I felt so accepted and happy to be me. Happy to be alive. I haven't felt this way since I was a little girl.

"You be sweet to her, Gerard." Elsa points her finger at Gerard.

He nods, "I will, don't worry."

Elsa smiles and walks out the room towards the hall. Gerard grinned at me and nearly jumped on me to kiss me again.

I don't even know how to explain myself anymore. I'm just so in love with him, it makes me feel real good inside. He's the only one that I want, and the only one I felt I needed.


After our little make out session, Gerard and I actually had watched the movie until it got late, and then he went on home. Elsa had kept giving me those funny little glances. She hadn't said anything about it, but I had, had known she wanted to.

But, I had been so happy that she hadn't.

When I had gone off to bed that night, I fell asleep with such an ease, I was quite surprised. I had dreamt happily, and nothing, no secrets weighed heavy on my mind. For once, in the longest of my dreary and dark life, I felt good about myself.

And, the next morning, I woke up with a smile. I woke up with happy ambition. I couldn't wait to be out and be with the one person who made me feel this way.

I could never get tired of him. Not even if I tried; even if I wanted to. I love seeing his face when I open the door. I love the thought that me and him are together. We could do possibly anything and I'd still be happy as an idiot.

"I want some candy." Gerard said to me as we went to get coffee.

I'm not one for coffee, he got coffee.

"Candy?" I ask; he pulled into a corner store.

"Yeah, candy." He chuckled, squeezing my hand.

Gerard and I had walked through the isles as he looked for what he wanted. I had trailed behind him, holding his hand loosely. Gerard stopped, "Check it out, ring pops."

"Okay, so?" I asked with a raised brow.

Gerard had just shaken his head, grabbed one and some candy bar and led me towards the register. After paying, we started down the block again; "Is Elsa home?" He asked me.

"She's out shopping again. Why?"

"Well, I wanna show you something, and your house is closer than mine."

"What're you going to show me?"

He had smirked, "You'll see."

I had wondered what he was thinking. What had he wanted to show me? My mind had wondered as we walked towards my house.

My mind had totally stopped working once we stepped into the house and Gerard pulled me into a hard kiss. I had fumbled slightly, my heart thumped and then, he pulled himself away from me. I looked at him with confusion, "Whoa."

He touched his lip, dropping the little brown paper bag with his candy inside, "Yeah, whoa."

I ran a hand through my hair, "What did you want to show me?"

He chuckled and took my hand, "Follow me."

He led me upstairs, to my bedroom, and let me in first. He closed the door behind him, and we just looked at each other for a moment.

"I want you." He said in a soft low tone.

My brows shot up. My stomach tightened. 

"I want to touch you." He spoke again, making my legs and knees weak.

Gerard wanted to touch me. Touch me so bad, he shut and locked my door. To not be interrupted, to keep his hands on me no matter who came knocking at my door.

He bore down at me, those beautiful, breath taking eyes, you have to thank his parents for meeting and mating and creating such a man. Creating such a person to warp my existence. For creating my soul mate. The yin to my yang, the Johnny Depp to my Tim Burton. For raising him to be demented as myself, to be able to walk into my life.

I can't breathe when he touches me, the smooth skin of his fingertips, I feel the ridges of his fingerprints skim across my cheeks. He cupped my jaw, I held my breath, I wasn't sure he was gonna kiss me. I longed for those crooked lips to touch mine again.

"I'm going to kiss you." He says in a low whisper; even his voice...god, it sent me to places you can't even imagine.

"Go for it." I retort.

He pressed his lips to mine, I can taste the chocolate and mocha from the Starbucks coffee. I barely open my mouth, I felt his tongue against the skin of my teeth. I'm not repulsed, like I always thought I'd be. I'm excited, I wanted more. I needed more.

When he pulls away, there's this sound I make, I can't explain it. It's a sad little whimper that made him smile. He brushed his hands down my neck, down to the my t-shirt, then down my arm. The ridges that I familiarize roll past the scars on my wrist, and I don't feel ashamed like I usually do when he touches them. He takes my hand, lacing our fingers, he still stares at me.

"I want to touch you, October." His voice is a low, husky whisper.

I don't respond, I pull our hands apart and pull my shirt over my head. It was so fast, so quick, I scold myself at how wanton I was being. I even forgot about the fact that I was called fat; I thought I was fat.

But...something happened. Something magical. Something that made me realize that I how in love I am with the man standing in front of me. 

He looked at me with such desire, I only saw this in other guys when they saw a pretty girl walk past them. The way their pupils grew big, like in the movies. Like when Patrick Fugit met Kate Hudson in that movie Almost Famous, for the first time. Or, when he realized he loved Penny Lane; that's how it felt, but multiply that by twenty.

"You're so beautiful." He says in such a soft whisper, I strain to hear.

"Really? Right now?" I still don't believe him at first, but that nod...the nod he gave made this wavy, sick feeling in my gut.

The butterflies I've read about in those teeny love story books from the library.

Gerard smiles, his lips don't touch mine, they instead head to my neck. He left soft kisses near the vibration pulse line on my neck, my jugular. His lips, they suck at it, the blood pumped so hard, I thought it would explode, sending spurts of my new found love against my walls.

His hands, I watched, rose up to my shoulders, scarcely pulling the straps of my teeny bra off. The bra that was hypo-something made. Safe for the environment, safe for easy access, safe for Gerard to get rid of. The ridges of his fingertips felt the skin of my collar bone gently, his lips went even lower.

The straps of my bra hung off my upper arms, Gerard got on his knees, my heart raced even faster. I wondered what he was doing, looking at my body from this angle should've been unflattering, very unattractive, but he didn't say anything, he just smiled. He kissed at my pudgy, pale stomach, I didn't feel as ugly as others said I was, I felt beautiful. 

"You know what? I think you'd look cute with a belly ring." Gerard murmured; my skin rose with goosebumps, his voice woke them up.

"I think my parents would like that. One more place to express myself." I spoke with sarcasm, placing my palms on his shoulders.

Gerard just shrugged, "But I'd be the only one who sees it, right?" His beautiful eyes -the ones that made me want to thank his genetics- looked up at me again.

"Why is that?" I asked, wanting to know exactly what he meant.

"You're my girlfriend, remember?" His voice was low, he wanted a definite answer, I knew that.

"Oh yes," I grin, "I remember."

We both knew then that what we were about to do was completely normal. Girlfriends and boyfriends did that. They had sex; they made love. 

"My girlfriend is beautiful." He says softly.

It may've been obvious to others that he thought I'm beautiful, but come on, I was this shy, naive, dumb, blond, fat, cutter with no self esteem. Throw me an inch, I'll take a mile; throw a cute boy, kissing me half naked in my bedroom, and I'll give him my virginity.

I was willing to take whatever Gerard gave me.