Heavy

"I'm beautiful?" I ask softly.

Gerard didn't respond, and I was scared. But, those feelings went away when his trembling fingers unbutton my worn jeans. The jeans that belonged to my mother in the 70's.

He didn't pull them down, he simply held my hips, those ridges, he buried them on my love handles. His lips kissed at my tummy, why, I don't know, but I'm glad he didn't stop. The soft, pale skin got more attention that I never imagined it would; Gerard's hands went up my back, to the clasp of my flimsy little bra and popped it off. I was afraid to drop it, but the look he gave me, assured me, made me want to let it go. I was exposed to him, in the most natural way, the way my mother exposed herself during Woodstock, in her teens, barely legal.

My subtle, supple little breast, I cradled them, to give my wanton self some modesty. Even though, I wanted to let them free, to be a little whore, to be his little whore. But, Gerard didn't know, he didn't know what went on in my big, dumb, blond brain. Again with the but, he took my arms and put them down on his shoulders, my breast were free, were seen as okay, mild in a sense, he wanted to see them. He stood again, bowed his head and was leveled with my chest, he began to kiss the underside of my breast.

Each hand cupped them, he sunk back onto his knees, lips kissing my skin again. His rough fingers played with my breast, I was so new to all of it, I could barely comprehend what he was doing. He knead them, gently, carrying, stroking like a baby kitten.

I let a moan escape my lips, I felt it vibrate from my vocal cords. I didn't care that Elsa left, I didn't care my parents were all the way in Kentucky somewhere. I didn't care if Elsa or my parents would've showed up. What I did here was no one but my and my lover's business. What I did here made me feel like a better person than that bottle of Prozac.

God knows it was better than cutting.

Gerard, slowly, pulled my jeans down, revealing the matching, flimsy underwear. I thanked Elsa, mentally, for buying me that nair hair remover stuff. Otherwise, the jeans wouldn't have come down with these lights on.

His hands, skimmed over my butt, down the back of my thighs, feeling my smooth, hairless skin. His fingers went between them, feeling my inner thighs. I whimpered, biting my bottom lip tight between my teeth; I never felt so out of control before. Like I was steering an out of control car, ready to hit a mac truck, or flying into the eye of a hurricane. My body trembled as his fingers went high until he got to the split of me.

He brought his hands down, then up to my hips; he looked up at me for confirmation. I gave a short nod, my heart didn't speed up, like I expected it to. Soon...I was naked, nothing to hide, birthday suit and all, to Gerard. Again, I mentally thank Elsa. 

I'm soft, supple, pink and chubby. I had that feeling if maybe he would be disgusted, because he stood up. I half expect him to walk out, but he doesn't; he pulls his shirt off, while I kick the 70's jeans and flimsy panties aside. I watch him fiddle with his belt, then the button and zipper of his jeans. He's down to his funny, cartoon boxers, pulling his black boots off.

His body, it's a lot like mine, but you know, the male version, with a little bit of body hair. His baby fat is what I think is the most attractive part of him, besides his eyes. His skin is that pale, like my own; but, he reminds me of Brad Pitt's olive color from Interview With a Vampire. Once his boots are off, he looks at me, his green eyes, looking at me with gentle shyness.

"You're cute." I say; I never said that word out loud before.

His cheeks blush red, "Thanks."

Then, we're in my bed. Under my sheet. He's on top of me, propped up on his elbows, kissing me gently. I could feel him, growing hard, pressing, rubbing against my womanhood softly. I was ready, no matter what, I wanted to do this. There was no rebelling against my parents, against authority -I was (still am) head over heels in love.

Gerard pulled from my lips, and looked down at me, "Are you ready?"

I nod, I start to think about all the things I've read about sex. About first time sex. I've read it's better to be wet beforehand. That you don't always have an orgasm the first time. That you may bleed. That it's very uncomfortable and it may hurt.

I wasn't scared, I was nervous, but not scared. I was ready, ready to face it. I was sure it couldn't hurt too bad, because people still have sex and there are porno movies being made every minute.

So, I spread my legs for him. I felt his hand touch my middle, his fingers touching me gently, spreading me open for him. I felt the head a second later, I held my breath, and wait. Gerard's breathing gets heavier, he pushes forward and I wince as he slid himself inside of me. He let out a loud, throaty moan, and I whimper.

"I'm sorry." He told me softly, I felt his lips against my cheek; my eyes squeezed shut.

He propped up on both elbows again, hovering over me, he slowly pulled out. It's like pulling out a sliver of wood from a splinter. Like sliding that oh so sharp razor down the length of your forearm for the first time.

Maybe I was a masochist.

Yeah, I am.

I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, arching my back when he entered me again. He did this continuously, never pulling fully out, for a few minutes. I was still uncomfortable, getting use to him, he was sweating. He was breathing heavier, his body was tightening up, he was going to cum, and I wasn't. I felt a little cheated, but I knew what to expect, and I was happy to let Gerard get off before me.

Within another minute or so, of his body tightening, I felt his warmth fill me. I never thought about getting pregnant, because I didn't care. Really, if I had gotten knocked up, I wouldn't have cared. I think I'd like the change of pace. Plus, to have my own little version of Gerard would have been the greatest gift he could have given me.

His breathing was sporadic, his body had shuddered, his eyes were closed and he only propped up on one arm now. He didn't pull out of me for a while, until he opened his eyes and looked at me. I didn't know what I looked like, but I was sweaty and I was happy; he smiled at me.

"You're smiling." He said in a heavy breath.

"I'm happy." I told him.

He kissed my lips, "Was it okay?"

I shrugged, he fell beside me, "I guess so...I read about it..." I told him the things I've read about, "Maybe I should have told you these things before?"

"Nah, practice makes perfect." His lips formed in a crooked smile, "You want to try again?"

I nod, "Yes."

Another minute of Gerard catching his breath, we got back into the same position. Only, this time, he hiked my legs onto his waist, my bottom half was higher, he got on his knees. He entered me slowly again, I felt only a small amount of pain, but there was a nicer feeling that went along with it.

I felt this amazing, near blinding experience. My body felt on fire, my nerves tingled and I felt Gerard all over my body; from the tipsiest top of my toes, to the itty bitty molecule of my hair follicles. We built to this impeccable high that had me crying out, begging like an animal for more. I felt this ball of every good I ever felt build in my belly. Then, if that wasn't enough, all the good crashed every nerve I had in my body.

This was any drug addiction times a million. Any delicious food couldn't topple sex with Gerard. Even cutting was second to sex. I could lose my mind having sex. Getting there, to that mind blowing orgasm, is just as amazing.