Heavy

Gerard had put his leather jacket on my shoulders, revealing his Iron Maiden t-shirt underneath. I had licked my lips, smiling at him. He kissed my forehead; "I think it'll fit you."

I shook my head, "I can't keep this."

"My gift to you, October." He kissed my forehead again.

I reeled my arms around him, suffering. I was going to cry again. I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand.

"Thank you." I managed to murmur through my tears.

"I love you." He said to me softly.

"I love you, too."

I had watched Gerard leave my drive way, watching the back of his shirt. The tour dates were gibberish once he was far away from my house. My stomach knotted, I pulled his jacket closer to me, smelling his scent in it.

This was the only thing I was left with. It became my prized possession. I wouldn't give it up unless Gerard wanted it back.

I kept the jacket for the longest time. 

Elsa, she came up to my room before my parents made me leave. She had her hair up, she looked very pretty in her sweats and t-shirt. I hugged her tight, beckoning more tears.

"I'm sorry." I told her.

"You have not a thing to be sorry about, October." She kissed the crown of my head and gave my body a tight squeeze.

I had reluctantly said goodbye to her. I wanted to stay. I love Elsa more than my own mom. I know it's terrible to say, but she was more of a mother to me. She helped me through a lot; I'd miss her along with Gerard once I was gone.

My parents, they forced me to come on that stupid tour with them. The minute I was on that billion dollar bus, I turned it into Hell instead of luxury. I meant every harsh word I passed on that damned thing.

Within two weeks, my parents sent me to a private boarding school in England. I kicked and screamed all the way there. I cursed their names, I shouted and told them never to contact me ever again.

I had also begged to see Elsa, which they had refused. I didn't know where she lived and how to contact her. In England, I had tried, but nothing. I even tried to contact Gerard, but the dean of the school had talked to my parents and I wasn't allowed to send letters out.

I was essentially in prison. I was an innocent prisoner. Locked away from two people I wanted to be with.

In the boarding school, I felt a bit like Caulifeld Holden. But, I wasn't as boring as he was. And, the place wasn't as cushy as Pency Prep.

Since I wasn't allowed to send letters out to Gerard or Elsa, I stuck my head into my homework. I was on honor roll, on the Dean's list and all the teachers loved my work. Though, I refused to talk and make friends.

It wasn't that I lost the ability to talk, I just didn't. I didn't see the point, even though everyone was very nice and lovely to me, I just didn't want to make friends and be plucked from them. I shared a room with a girl name Frances, who was blonde and had bright blue eyes; she reminded me of Elsa. She always tried to make friends with me, until I told her, flat out, about Gerard and my parents.

I loved her accent, she's British, and she had a colorful vocabulary. She loved the word Cunt. That's what she called my mom.

Anyway, she had become my unofficial friend for the next two years. I never really went out, even though Frances had invited me numerous times. I liked to be by myself, and think of Gerard, and sleep close with his jacket.

Graduation finally arrived, I couldn't fucking wait. My parents hadn't visited, but they sent post cards and letters, but I never opened them. I had, had a stack of unopened letters addressed to me that I kept underneath my bed. I planned to give the letters back to them and tell them that I never read a single word. I planned to cut off ties with them, and get away...go to New York or California.

Along with my growing resentment, I managed to get my eating and cutting under control. I hadn't cut myself in months; I managed to spread out the times I cut myself. I had cut my thighs at a minimum; when I felt really fucking bad, I'd get a safety pin or tear apart a bic personal razor and cut away. The cutting never held any satisfaction, because I felt like I was letting Elsa and Gerard down while I did it. I wondered if they trusted me or if they had forgotten about me. 

I had done it to punish myself.

When I didn't want to cut, I did sit ups, or I ran. When I wanted to leave and run, it was around the small court yard; I'd run around it for two hours, then I'd come back to my dorm and do two hundred sit ups.

"You are amazing!" Frances would say, "I can't even imagine doing that. Sweating is just...yuck!" She would say, "I admire you, October, you got abs of steel."

I wasn't fat anymore, or pudgy, but I had scars. If it wasn't one thing to hide, it was another. I didn't mind the scars, because it meant that no one would talk to me because of them. I hid myself in gym shorts and long sleeves; even in the sweltering England summers.

To keep changing, I dyed my hair a faint pink color with food coloring. Frances taught me; she dyed hers blue and her friend's had a red tint. The perks of being a natural blonde was the luxury of not peroxiding my hair.

Anyway, the day I graduated, I had pink hair underneath my cap. Under my gown I wore Gerard's leather jacket. I had planned to get a job and save up to fly back to the states and find Gerard, then hopefully all the things we had planned two years before would happen.

After getting my diploma, I met with Frances, her parents hugged her, I was a tad bit envious. She had turned to me, "October, congratulations, love!" She hugged me, "Want to have dinner with us?"

I shook my head, "No, I have to go pack the rest of my things."

She gave a slight frown, "Oh well. I'll see you, yeah?"

"Yes." I nodded.

We had hugged again and I began to head on back to the dorm. Along my way, I saw my parents. I was slightly surprised that they had shown up.

"October!" My father had called out to me and I stopped, "Hey, congratulations." The man had balloons and his beard was graying and long as Hell, "You look great, honey."

"Hi..." I mumbled, "Thank you."
 
My mother appeared beside him. She didn't look like a hippie anymore. What happened to "Free Love, man"?

"Didn't you read our letter?" My mom asked.

"I never read any of your letters." I told her bluntly.

The smiles fell from their faces.

"We're here to take you home." My dad said next, smiling again.

"I don't want to go home with you." I spoke without emotion, getting right to the point, "I already have a plan. It's nice of you to show up, and..." I looked at the balloons, "Get me balloons, but I have to go. I only have two weeks to get my things out and find a place."

"October, you can't just stay here!" My mom took hold of my arm, "We're going to take you home, to Los Angeles."

I shook my head, "I'm going to get a job, fly back to Washington and find Gerard."

My mom frowned, my dad...he looked confused, "You're going to find Gerard?" 

"Yep. I promised him I would come back."

My parents looked baffled.

"Let us give you a ticket and a place back there then." My dad spoke boldly, "If that's what you want."

I wanted to laugh, but I didnt. I didn't want to hurt my dad, even if he had forced me here.

"I don't want anything from you guys. You've done enough," I rolled my eyes, "Really."

My mom sighed, "We did this to make a better life for you."

"Stellar life plan, mom." I stated sarcastically "Excuse me, I have to go. I have a job interview tomorrow morning."

I turned to leave again, but my dad grabbed me, "October, wait. Please, let us give you a ticket back to Washington and money for an apartment. I'll even help you locate Gerard."

I felt like breaking down then, "You will?"

He nodded, "Yes, I will." He turned to my mom, "Won't we, Willemina?"

My mom gritted her teeth, "Yes."