Heavy

I had gone back to my dorm, with my parents and packed my things. I told them that I still needed a day to prepare my things. My parents had agreed, hugged me, and asked me to have dinner.

"Yeah...okay." I had agreed, because they were doing a lot for me.

I had taken my graduation gown and cap off, packing it up, and followed my parents. My dad had left the balloons in my room, and put his arm around my shoulder, and leather jacket. My mom still had a sour look to her face, but I didn't even bother trying to please her.

"We've been here a million times and we never remember where to have a decent dinner." My dad had said while their driver drove around in their rented town car.

"Anywhere is fine, dad. I'm not picky." 

My parent's settled on a small family dinner. The scenery was amazing; I hadn't left the boarding school in months, and I didn't remember what the outside of the school looked like. I had gone on a field trip to an art museum and I didn't even really bother to pay attention to the outside world.

We had settled in a booth, with me sitting across from them. I had finally gotten a good look at my parents; my mom looked a bit older, almost tired, and my dad, he looked the same, with more facial hair than I remembered. I smiled at them, just to be polite.

"So, how were things? You never wrote." My mom took a sip of water.

"Had a lot of anger. I took it out on my body than food." I explained quietly to her.

They both looked at my arms, my wrist, "Did you...?"

"No. I don't cut anymore." I told them.

"We heard nothing but amazing things from the Dean about you, October." My dad changed the subject quickly, "We're both proud of you."

I nodded, holding back the things I wanted to say. I didn't want to turn this evening into a bad one. So, I kept all of it inside.

I wanted to tell them that isolating me from my love ones turned me into a model student. Because of their absent parenting, I relied on myself to keep in a straight and arrow line. I practically raised myself.

During dinner, I didn't let anything slip. I answered their questions and made small talk. My parents wanted to know what I planned to do, and I told them that I wanted to design clothes.

Now, can you image a girl with self esteem and body issues designing clothing? 

Neither did I.

But, I thought a lot about clothes when I had ripped a sleeve on Gerard's jacket. I had even cried at the thought of having to give it to a laundress to have it sown. That's when I went to ask the Home Economics teacher about fixing it.

I has sown it pretty well, and that's where the interest came in. I had planned to go to a fashion and design school once I had found Gerard and we start up we're we had last left off.

"That sounds like a veey well, thoughtout plan." My mom finally smiled honestly.

"Thank you. I plan to go to college."

"Where?"

I shrugged, "Anywhere that'll have me."

I was happy that my parents supported me on this. I could only hope for the best when I got back to the states. Gerard came first, my plan, college, all of that came after.

I had thought of the what-ifs, too. I thought about if Gerard didn't want me or he hated me. I wondered if he would want me. These were things that bothered me and I had to live with. And, I had figured, if he didn't want me, I would have to live with that.

I could only hope that he was still waiting for me.


I had said my goodbyes to Frances, she seemed sad about my leaving England.

"Call me. I know we weren't really friends, but I want to know that you're alright." She hugged me, "I want exclusives on jumpers when you come a famous fashionista."

I smiled and nodded, "You got it."

She wrote down her number and I slipped it in the pocket of my jeans. One more hug, and I was ready to go.

I waved, mentally, goodbye to my boarding school, and readied myself for the plane ride. It was like being released from prison. I couldn't wait to be in my own home, own bed, make a new life for myself. I was ready to live a life. I was ready to start one with Gerard.

If he wanted me.

My stomach was in knots on my parent's private jet. They thought since I was going with them, that they might as well take the jet. I didn't mind, I just couldn't wait to start looking for Gerard.

I stared at the sun as it had risen and grew sleepy as we flew by for hours. I had fallen asleep, and it felt like only minutes that we were landing on the private strip of an airport in Washington. My hands shook as I got up and stretched, drinking out of my water bottle and grabbing my bags.

The ride to the hotel I would be staying in was just the same. I was dizzy, my knees weak and adrenaline to find Gerard only grew. My parents stayed in a separate room, I went to my own and ordered room service.

I had dialed out, calling Gerard's old number, hoping he'd answer. But, a woman answered.

"Hello?"

I felt frightened for a moment, "Um, hi, my name is October Fredrick and I'm looking for Gerard Way."

"I'm sorry, there's no one here by that name. This is a new number I gotten a week before."

I sighed, "Oh. Well, thank you."

"No problem."

I hung up, feeling dread. I wondered where he could be. I wondered if he remembered me.

I got up, feeling tears, and went to take a shower before room service came.

I assumed that Gerard got tired of waiting for me. That's all I could think about as I showered. I wouldn't wait for me either, I offered him nothing.

I mean, I wasn't pretty, I wasn't a social butterfly. I was a loser. Always have and always will be -I was simply feeling sorry for myself. I just knew he wouldn't be in Washington any longer.

I tried to have hope. Just a little bit. I hoped that maybe he got a new phone but still lived at his old place. I thought I would go after I ate.

I remembered the streets. I remembered where he lived. I had practically lived there myself. I knew where to go. I had to go; I had to find Gerard.