Heavy

It was 12 am, when I finally went to find Gerard. The cool air was something I remembered, even after two years. I pulled his jacket closer to my body and caught a cab. I gave the cabbie the address and prayed. Yes, I prayed, and hoped that he would still be there.

But, all hope was lost when the cab pulled up, and the cabbie looked back at me, "This is the right place, miss?"

Gerard's old duplex was gone. Half burnt down, with police tape around it, chain link fences around it. My jaw slacked as I tried to think; maybe it was the wrong address? No, no, because I knew the address by heart, the numbers had been apart of me; 5290, Westershire Avenue.

"Shit." I muttered as tears swelled up in my eyes.

"Miss?" The cabbie looked at me still.

"I haven't...been here in two years. I didn't know..."

"I wasn't going to say anything, but I assumed you were coming around these other homes."

I shook my head, "What happened?"

"The duplexes caught fire a few months back. The woman, she's in prison for arson."

"Was there a neighbor?" I asked.

"No, they didn't say if anyone was moving in, though. They had been empty for some time."

I wondered if Gerard even waited long for me. If he just didn't even care after all.

I quickly wiped away the tears and sniffled, "I'm sorry for wasting your time, sir. I need to go back to the hotel. I'll pay you extra."

The cabbie nodded, turning the car around. I watched the meter as it ran, figuring my mind away. My dad had given me some money already, and I hadn't planned to do anything with it, but I guess the money paid for the ride to have my heart broken.

I paid the cabbie once we pulled up the hotel. I thanked him and and went back inside. I sobbed once I was in the elevator, then in my room.

I just didn't want to lose hope. I didn't want to face a harsh truth that I had lost the love of my life. I didn't know if he was dead or alive. I didn't know if he had still remembered me or wanted me. I remembered and wanted him still; I took the promise to my heart, and I meant it forever.

But, I had a small feeling that he didn't want me, and that feeling spiraled out of control. Not in the sense I wanted to harm myself; in the sense that I lost him and my love was gone. Once Gerard was gone, so was my ability to love anyone else. I didn't want anyone else. I didn't care for anyone else.

So...I decided, after crying for a few hours, that I would/should move on. He was gone and I most likely wouldn't find him again. I had to go and live my life.

My mom...when I told her this, she was all smiles. I really wanted to smack her. My dad felt sorry for me.

They had agreed that going to school and starting my career would be good for me. I reluctantly agreed, too.


1,095 days passed and I hadn't forgotten about Gerard. I thought about him everyday, and I wished I had a picture of him. I kept his jacket, too, almost like a token.

Like he was lost in a war and all I got was his purple heart.

I started going to UCLA, majoring in fashion and design. I got my bachelors a while back, and moved to New York to begin an internship. I had done this all on my own; I hadn't dated and my only friend was a little corgi puppy I adopted name Kruger. He was white with brown paws and a brown path around his eye.

I had worked part time at clothing stores, to further my own education. My parents hooked me up with a place in New York, while I interned. They would help with rent, but I told them I wanted to experience everything on my own.

Me and Kruger lived in Lower Manhattan, and I took him walking every afternoon. Every morning, I left him at a doggy sitters while I worked. Everything worked out pretty well.

I still looked the same, my attitude towards my body was a bit better, because the clothing I made, made me feel pretty. I painted my nails, curled my own hair and learned to put make up on my own. Even with Gerard gone, I tried to stay beautiful, in his memory.

Sure, guys hit on me, but I turned them down. I was waiting for Gerard, if I ever found him. No guy could measure up to him.

So, I never dated. I never even wanted to. I never sought a purpose to. Even to get over Gerard; because I felt like that some days, I never did. Truth be told, I never wanted to get over him.


It was a warm July day when France came to come live with me in New York. She had finished college, and was beginning work as a music production assistant in New York and needed a place. I happily let her come live with me; I could use the company.

I met her at the airport, and leapt with joy when she saw me, "October!" Her lanky arms wrapped around me.

Frances looked different; she had black hair and her eyes were lined with black eyeliner and baby powder pink lipstick. Her skin was very pale, almost white. She looked amazing.

"Whoa, you look great, Frances." She let me go and looked me up and down.

"No way! You still look in shape. I'm an unhealthy little rat." She waved her hand around, "And thank you for letting me stay."

"No problem at all. I'm kind of on my own anyway." Frances and I began to head to baggage claim.

"I forgot to ask," She started, "Did you find your lost lover?"

I shook my head, "Not yet."

She frowned, "I'm so sorry, love." She wrapped her arm around my shoulder, "I have a feeling you'll find him."

I smiled at her, "Thanks, me too."

Once we collected her bags, I led her towards my car. It was a modest little thing; four door black Jetta that was used. I loved it.

"Where is that little dog you were going on about?"

"I have to pick him up from doggy daycare."

She giggled, "Doggy daycare?"

"Well, someone has to watch him while I work."

"You can save your money now, I can watch Kruger for you."

"I couldn't ask that of you."

She sucked her teeth, "You're letting me stay at your place, rent free until this job pans out, I might add. It's the least I could do."

"Thanks, Frances. It'll save me a bundle and we can finally update our cable."

"And, I'll pay for that, October."

"Who would've thought we'd be roommates again?"

"Me. I had to come find you. I missed you lots."

I chuckled, "I missed you, too. I didn't miss your snoring though."

She slugged me playfully, "I did not snore!"

"Don't deny it. I lived with you for two years, you snored."

Frances rolled her eyes at me, "Whatever you say."

I picked up Kruger on the way and Frances immediately fell in love with him. She kissed at his face and made baby talk at him. I was glad that I wouldn't have to pay for him to be looked for any more.

I drove home after, helping Frances into my brownstone. Her jaw slacked slightly, "Pays to have rich parents." I told her.

"Apparently. I am so jealous."

"Once you become a famous producer, you'll be rolling in dough, too."

She sucked her teeth again, "Pfft! I hope. This place is immaculate!"

I led her towards my spare bedroom, which was her room and helped her put her bags away. Kruger ran around while I showed her my place and showed her where everything was. I even showed her my sowing and design room.

"Wow, October. This stuff is amazing! I need an outfit like this." She pointed out my take on a bondage inspired design. I had the body of Bettie Page in mind when I had given it a shot.

"You can be my model."

"Oh, that sounds lovely." She grinned, "The perks of having a fashion designer friend."

"What kind of perks come with your job?" I smirked at her.

She shrugged, "We'll see when I start next week."

I hadn't known then what would happen with her living with me, but later on, it would pay off, and I don't mean in the monetary sense.