Heavy

I hate that feeling that you get when you're really nervous. That sea sick feeling, the swaying of your guts and the vomit rising. I had taken my pills to keep me from doing such, and it worked a bit.

Frances held my hand once we left; I liked up the place and left enough food and water for Kruger, and I left the radio on for him. Frances caught a cab and we rode to the train station. My hands shook as soon as the train jerked forward and we were on our way to Jersey.

I tried to calm myself down, so I turned to Frances, "What does he look like?"

"He's really pale, long shaggy hair, he has baby fat. Still the same?"

I smiled, "Yep, that's the Gerard I remember."

She tugged at his leather jacket that I wore, "You think he'll remember the jacket?"

"I hope so. I just don't know what I'm gonna say."

"I'll introduce you and we'll pretend like its a coincidence, yeah?"

I smiled again, "Thanks."

"This is true love at its finest. It's destiny."

I bit at the inside of my lip, trying to figure out how this would go. I hoped that Gerard would recognize me and wouldn't turn away. I wondered if he was in love with his fiancée and if he just simply forgot me; or, as I hoped, he was just with her to forget about me, but couldn't. I couldn't even do that myself, even if I wanted to.

I thought about all the things we had said to one another and all the time we had spent together. It was such a short time, but that time in my life was the only time worthy of a revisit. It was the best moments I ever had the privilege of living and it had shaped who I am. I had promised my whole world to this one person, and all I could hope is he was the same person. I hoped that he missed me just as much as I missed them.

The only real fear I had was that all my dreams and hopes would come crumbling down. That he had really moved on, that he was happier without me and that he didn't want to see me. That was my only fear; anything else, I could handle.

Once we arrived in Jersey, we caught another cab, and Frances called her boss. We were to meet him at the Eyeball Record's house. I was still so nervous, I kept holding my breath to calm myself, and I tried not to think.

We got to the building a few minutes later; there was loud music coming from it. Frances and I got out the cab, after paying and walked over to the building; it didn't look anything like a house. Frances opened the door, took my hand and led me inside. 

There were people everywhere, and I quickly scanned the room. Frances led me through the people, and over to her boss, "Hey, Kevin!" She greeted him over the music.

He was a tall man, he looked quite older, "Hey, Fran."

They hugged quickly, Fran let go of my hand, "Meet my friend, October!" The hardcore music was way too loud.

Kevin turned to me, "October?" He looked at me, then shook my hand, "Wicked name!"

"Thanks," I said to him as he let my hand go.

"You guys want a drink?"

Fran looked at me, I nodded; my nerves were out of control, "Yeah!" She answered him.

Kevin walked away, and Fran turned around. She scanned the crowd, then she nudged me, "That's Mikey," She said in my ear.

I looked to where she was pointing and saw a skinny guy with shaggy light brown hair and square glasses. He was talking to a shorter guy with short blond/orange hair. I looked around for any familiar face that belong to Gerard, but I didn't see him.

I sighed defeatedly, and coursed my hair. Fran patted my back, "We'll find him." She said to me.

I didn't respond, kept my head down and licked my lips. I turned my back for a moment to fix my shirt and my jeans, that were too tight; that's when I felt a hand tap my shoulder.

I looked over to my right, seeing the guy, Mikey, that Fran pointed out. He smiled at me, "Hey, are you friends with Fran?" He leaned into my ear, "I'm Mikey."

I nodded, leaning towards his own ear, "I'm October."

When I looked back at him, this look came over his face, almost like confusion. "Did you say October?"

"Yeah!" I replied over the music.

"Wait a minute," He again leaned in my ear, "I'll be right back."

I nodded, watching Mikey go. I was slightly confused, but I surprisingly didn't give it much thought. Kevin had returned just then with the drinks, and Fran put her arm around me, handing me a red, plastic cup.

"What is this?" I asked him over the music.

"Just beer." He answered.

I shrugged my shoulders, to myself, and took a swig. I'm not a heavy drinker, because of my medication, but I did drink often. I didn't like beer too much, but I gave it a shot.

As I took another drink, someone bumped into me, causing me to spill my drink. I groaned, seeing the top of Rober Smith's face darken with alcohol. Kevin took my cup, "Hey, there's a bathroom up the stairs, on the right!"

"Thanks." I patted Fran's shoulder to let her know I was going to the bathroom. 

All she did was smile, "Want another drink?"

I shook my head, and turned up the stairs. I passed a couple coming down and went to the public restroom. I opened the door, noticing it was a men and woman facility. 

I went straight to the sink and turned the faucet on, and grabbed a bunch of paper towels. I sighed heavily; "He'll probably think I'm some drunk cow trying to sleep with him." I mumbled to myself.

I rubbed some hand soap on the paper towels and cleaned off my shirt. I knew I'd reek of beer; I didn't wet my shirt too bad, I made it a but damp and tried to clean it up. I threw the soiled paper towels away and grabbed a few more; just then, someone walked in, but I didn't pay attention, I had a mess of my own.

"You mind if I use the urinal?" The person was obviously male.

I shook my head, "No, go ahead." I muttered quickly; the urinals were right behind me and I could see them using it. 

I hurried as fast as I could to dry my shirt; you could see my pink bra underneath. I groaned at myself; the urinal flushed and the male came up to the second sink and began washing his hands. "Someone spill beer on you?" He asked curiously.

I looked up then, because I recognized the voice. I looked over at the man, and all I could see was him splashing his hands in the sink. Then...he looked up at me.

I met eyes with the hazel gaze I hadn't seen in over 5 years. My breath hitched, he looked at me with a funny look. The same look that, that Mikey guy had given me.

Gerard was looking back at me.

His brows furrowed, "Do I know you?"

I couldn't open my mouth to respond. I was stuck.

But, Gerard, he stared back at me, then he stood up straight. We looked at each other, both not saying a word. Finally, his jaw dropped and he put a palm to his mouth.

"October?"

I couldn't stop the tears, I wanted to, but I couldn't. I nodded quickly and in an instant, he wrapped his arms around me. I smelt his scent, the familiarity brought more tears to my eyes.

"Oh my God," He said into my ear, "Where have you been, Sugar?"

I didn't want to let go, but I had to, to answer him, "I can explain, it was such a mess." I said to him quickly.

He closed his eyes once, his hands holding onto my forearms, gently. He looked at me like I wasn't real, I was letting the tears fall down my cheeks. I was a wreck, I couldn't even think of anything to say.

"Let's...get out of here. We can talk, there's a room across the hall."

Gerard took hold of my hand; I recognized the pads of his fingers on my palm and tugged at my lip. He led me out of the restroom, and out to the hall. The music thumped underneath my feet, I tried to process this all.

It was like a dream.