Heavy

We went into this quiet lounge room. My heart thumped erratically, his hand never let mine go, I think he could feel my pulse move quickly. He sat me on the couch, then sat with me.

He cupped my jaw and showered my face with kisses. After we sat down, he just stared at me for a while. He had said countless times that he couldn't believe it was me.

I smiled and happily accepted his affection; I couldn't believe he was sitting before me. Still, I wondered if I would wake up from a dream. I embraced him, tightly, burying my face into his chest and finally settled.

"I missed you so damn much." He repeated this.

I dreaded the fact that we would ever have to part. I thought I would physically break down if his touch seized from mine. And, this is what I thought, that I would fall to pieces if he wouldn't be with me.

"I don't want you to let me go." I said to him after I looked up at him.

"I won't."

We couldn't find the right words to start; to tell each other what happened. I knew my side, but I had wanted to hear his. But, I had forced myself to prepare to answer if he didn't want to.

"What happened? Where did you go?" He asked me quickly.

"I went with my parents," I licked my lips, "For two weeks. They couldn't stand me being a brat -I gave them hell, Gerard; I screamed and acted so childish," I saw him smile a bit, "But, then they sent me away." I started to tear up, to cry at the very thought of my begging my mom and dad to return me to Elsa's care and to be with Gerard.

"Where did they send you?" His thumbs crossed the underside of my left eye to wipe away the tears.

"To a boarding school, in England. I tried to write, to call, but they wouldn't allow it. I couldn't make out going calls or send mail with an address on it. I could only contact family." I explained this bitterly to him, "I wanted to die."

He took hold of my wrist gently, "Have you--?"

I bowed my head in embarrassment, "While I was there, I couldn't. Not by the school, by my conscience. I felt like I was disappointing you." I swallowed thickly and licked my lips again, "But, recently...after that whole thing in New York," I couldn't bear the pain of saying the name of the event, "I just...I shut down."

He looked at me with curious eyes, "Why?"

"There was a boutique right across the street that I worked at, and it got trashed to bits...I woke up late that day, and I saw it all come down from a window in my living room." I chewed at the inside of my bottom lip, "After that, I was...I was so damn scared of everything, I couldn't control it. I just...I cut. I had control again, and...it didn't work and my best friend, she helped me," I sniffled, wiping my eyes quickly of remaining tears, "Her name is Frances--"

He stopped me, smiling, "The sound girl with the funny accent?"

I nodded, "Yeah, she's British."

"She invited you here?"

I nodded again, "I...told her all about you, and she heard your name." I explained, "She wanted to help me. I was afraid and nervous about seeing you again."

Gerard kept his smile up, "I can't believe how close you've been. I thought about seeing you for years, and I pictured it, I just never expected it would be like this."

I tugged at my lip again, "Did you...ever think I gave up?"

"Yeah, I did. I thought you just forgot about me. I never forgot about you, I thought about you every single day; every little thing I do, I wonder if you'd like it. Sometimes, I picture you sitting beside me and letting me bore you with my ideas."

Again, I had felt like crying a river.

Gerard licked his lips, "I waited for you to come back..for two years, and when you didn't, I went to art school, right across the bridge. Then, after I graduated, I got a job, like I figured and I tried to contact you, or parents, but you know how impossible it is to call a famous person?"

I rolled my eyes, wiping away more tears, "My dad isn't famous."

Gerard chuckled, "Not to you. Anyway, after all that, I just kept trying to live my life. I'm not gonna lie, there were other girls...but no one could keep my interest to make me want them around." He shook his head, "Kinda like you, after everything last September, I looked at life differently and I quit my job, moved into my mom's basement and started a band with my little brother." He sighed heavily, wanting to say more, but he didn't.

"There's..." I started, "There's someone else, isn't there?" I asked out of curiosity. The one thing I had wanted to know.

"Her name is Wendy. I met her a little over a year ago."

I had tried to smile, act like it was okay. Deep down, we were both connected, and it was vibrating through the air again. We both knew that it wasn't okay; Gerard looked and felt guilty.

"I'm sorry." He said softly.

I furrowed my brows, "Why? It's your life." My voice was air soft; I couldn't believe I even managed to hear myself.

"I promised you." Was his retort; he looked me up and down, "You kept yourself almost like a virgin," He started, "Almost like leaving my home, to go to a job, and returning and everything is the same. Only, you're a lot more beautiful than before."

I blushed, unable to answer.

He put his finger towards my heart, against my water and beer soaked t-shirt, "You're heart is still the same. You're still my October."

My heart sped up as he spoke and again, I couldn't speak.

"I'm an asshole." He said slowly.

I shook my head, "No, no you aren't."

"I was so damn broken up," He quickly added, "I wanted to get over you and I probably won't ever."

Gerard's eyes nearly pierced mine; I'm sure he wanted me to say something, and I just smiled and shook my head, "I don't know what to say." I mumbled.

"Do you hate me?"

I shook my head, "No. Why?"

"Because I promised myself to someone else."

It stung, but I wasn't mad. "I'm not mad...it's your life."

He sighed, "I don't want to lose you again." 

We could feel that connection. That one that we had when we first got together. It was heavy, and deep down it was more than sex, and lust, and admiration and like. We were in love. And to say that we loved anyone else; if I had gone the route he had, found someone, then we would be kidding ourselves.

Me and Gerard were meant to be.

"What do you want to do?" I inquired softly.

"Will you stay with me?"

Do you know long I've waited to hear those words?

But, that's not what I say.

"What about Wendy?" I had to ask.

Gerard shook his head, "I want you more than I want her. I just want to be with you."

"Are you going to break up with her?"

"Yeah, I am." He spoke confidently, his hands wrapped around mine, "I swear. Stay with me?"

Could I really refuse him?