Heavy

No boy ever paid attention to me. I'm not pretty. I'm not adorable. I'm not even remotely attractive enough to be some guy's last resort.

No boy has paid attention to me on purpose. I never got flowers on Valentine's day. I never got candy, or even a card.

The only guy who ever paid attention, besides family, was Gerard Way.

Oh...how I fell for Gerard so hard, I thought I'd fallen on my big, dumb, moon shaped head. I thought I had lost blood and was dizzying. It all didn't come so fast, it came in bits and pieces, over a long period of time.

But, it somehow felt like the love hit me like a fast track, speedway train. Like Speed Racer ran over my heart and my head. Like I shot up a big needle full of love, lust and a tiny bit of heroin.

Remember; I had slit my wrist to get a non-drug filled high, and ended up in the hospital. My parents didn't fly back immediately, my nanny picked me up, after my 3 day stay in the hospital loony bin, where doctors asked me about my feelings. Doctors poked at my head, asking disgusting questions, ran test on my blood and piss, and finally let me free. Elsa picked me up, buying me junk food to make me feel better. She took the words "Happy Meal" literally.

On the fourth day, my parents finally came home. My hippie parents, dawned in hemp made clothing, and sandals and guitars, met me in our living room. Elsa watched me, again she took watching me so literal, I sat on the floor, watching ants march across the wood floor and head to the kitchen, for sweet traps Elsa set.

"Elsa, we need to talk to October alone." My mother spoke in a chilled, quick tone.

My mother...She doesn't show much emotion. She's a true flower child; Peace, Love, Flowers and Unprotected Sex in stinky mud.

"October, honey." I didn't bother to change my position; I continuously watch these, big-thick ants march to their deaths.

Elsa was Hitler to these poor ants, and they were her little "Jewish" self sacrificing army.

"What happened, October?"

I used to loath my name. Another thing I was made fun of for having. Who names their kid after a month? I understand April, May or even June. But, October?

"Yes?" I still didn't look at them; my eyes watching Elsa's army.

"Why did you try to commit suicide?" My father's voice was soft.

I like my father. He's round, has a beard, long and something Hemingway would've shot, big rosy cheeks that set fire when he laughs, and a melodic, folky voice. I love my father. He's a lot more real than my mother. I think he likes me, too.

"I wasn't trying to commit suicide. I cut myself because it feels good. I just went too deep." I explained this with sick, disgusting and twisted logic.

People can shoot up dope, but I can't cut myself? Everyone takes chances, it's a Russian roulette. It only takes multiple tries before the bullet with your name on it enters the chamber. You can die at any moment. That's the fun, that's the game, why not take chances?

"You could have hurt yourself, October." My mother's shrill voice made my ears ring.

Her voice made my head thump. Like...her words bumped around in my skull until I'm able to wash it out with whale sounds. Or rushing water.

"Isn't that half the fun?" I spoke out loud, finally glancing at them.

Their hippie bracelets, their hemp clothes, their unwashed hair and skin. It finally made me sick. I didn't want to look at them any longer, so I returned to Elsa's army.

"Dr. Winn said it would be wise to send you to group and private counseling." My father spoke, but I didn't look at him.

"You can meet kids who are just like you." My mother added.

Just like me? No one was like me. I felt more twisted and ugly and dumb and fatter than people let on. No one already liked me, so why give myself anymore grief with these other kids? Why introduce myself to other kids would already judged me before I opened my mouth.

"No." I answered.

"There is no disagreeing, October, you're going."

I never disobeyed my parents before. Well...they were never around for me to have disagreements with. So, me defying them was something new.

"Whatever." I kept my eyes on the army, tears pooling my eyes, then dropping to drown half of Elsa's little army.


My principal had expelled me. She didn't like that I had exposed her students to self harm in such a nonchalant manner. That I didn't want to issue an apology and talk to the school about the dangers of self harm.

Why would I do that? I fucking hated those kids. Why would I give a damn if they wanted to hear my gut-wrenching tale of cutting? They didn't ever care before, even though they knew that they were the cause of it. No one cares, and neither do I; fuck those kids.

So, my mother and father thought a few months of homeschooling would be alright. Elsa is also a teacher, she's shit at English, but she's great at Math, and History. She had become my teacher a week after I accidentally exposed my dirty little secret to the entire student body. My parents left for another tour, or whatever the hell, and then, I was forced to go to those group and private counseling meetings. I wasn't nervous, I wasn't scared, I was...mad.

Mad that I had to do this. Mad that Dr. Winn had made a big deal out of nothing. Mad that Elsa's broken English couldn't comfort me.

"October..." Her accent is a thick, German one. I liked it, even though I barely understood her, "I pick you up here at 3, yes?"

I nodded, turning away from her exotic features; Elsa is really beautiful, I wish she were my biological mother, "Yes, Elsa."

"Good luck." She gave me two thumbs up.

I smiled; she's the only one who can actually make me smile, "Thank you, Elsa."

I got out of the car, Elsa watches me as I walk in. My mother and Dr. Winn instructed that she walk me in, to make sure I go, but I promised Elsa I would go. I don't break my promises to her...I love Elsa, she understands me, she loves me, too. She tries to comfort me, to make me feel better. I can't explain how much she means to me.

I held my breath as I walked up this building...it looks like a school, without the name out front, without the mascot painted on the side of building. There was budding flowers, for it being September in Washington, and thin trees, barely planted, I guessed.

I walked up towards the first door; outside it read SIGN IN. I held my breath still, walking in; the room was empty, except there was receptionist behind a glass, and worn brown chairs. I walked up, the woman, she popped her gum, she had wavy blond hair, identical to Elsa's, and she smiled at me; "Hello, may I help you?"

"I-I'm October Fredrick...I'm here for a private or group meeting...I don't know which."

The woman smiled still, "Have a seat, October, I'll call in for you."

"Thank you." I mumbled to her before I sat down.

I sat with my legs crossed; my shoes were real worn...old safe for the environment sneakers. Everything I wore was safe for the environment. I thought I would enjoy some new shoes, Nikes maybe, made by little orphaned children in foreign countries. Everything my parents taught me about being good to people and to the Earth, people and the Earth will be good to you; that was all bullshit. I thought I would fuck with the world a little.

"October?" The receptionist called to me, I went to her, forgetting my plan to dominate the world with buying overpriced sneakers.

"Yes?"

"You have a meeting with Carol Jefferies; she right next door, on your left. Your group meeting is tomorrow." She handed me a little appointment card, and I took it, I slipped it in my pocket.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome." 

I turned and left. I went out towards the hall, and towards the door on my left. I saw that the door said C. Jefferies, I opened it, hearing a few voices; still, I wasn't nervous, I was curious now.