Heavy

Gerard had let me go gently, "Someone will love you, October." He murmurs to me.

I never believed him.

"When? I don't think I can wait any longer," I say softly, I was feeling vulnerable and desperate.

He gave a low sigh, "Who knows? Life is full of surprises."

I was quiet for a moment, letting everything sink in. It had gone by so fast; the cutting, the walk, the crying, the hugging and then this. I wasn't expecting an epiphany, I really wasn't expecting much but a kick in the pants from Gerard.

I mean, cause he's gorgeous. He must have girls flocking him. He's just a little messed up, but what girl would turn him down? He's everything you could want. I just don't know that then. I just thought he had girls lining up to get him in the sack.

I felt so insecure in that moment. 

"I should go." I stood slowly, "Elsa might worry about me."

Gerard stood too, "Are you sure?" I heard a faint tinge of worry in his voice. I felt angry, because I thought he thought I was going to get those razors, or get more. 

"Yeah," I said in a hard tone, "I appreciate what you did, really. I won't tell anyone what you told me. I swear. Thanks...again." I stammered, nearly running out the door.

I can't believe myself, I ran. I ran away as soon as I was on the side walk. To him, I must've looked like an idiot, but I found that wasn't true. He was worry about me. But, back then, I was sure he thought I was really crazy.

I didn't stop running until I got towards the park, then I stopped. I caught my breath, leaning forward and stretching my limbs. I then walked towards the tunnel. The razors were still there, my blood one was there, too, smeared blood on the wood chips. I picked them up, put them in my pocket and kicked the wood chips around to hide my blood.

Then, I walked home, not thinking. I couldn't think, too many things were swirling all around at once. It sucked. I couldn't take it. I wanted to just...get away.

But, I didn't. I went home, to Elsa. I walked in, the house silent, I crept up to my bedroom, and locked the door behind me. I went over to my canopy bed, hiding the razors underneath my mattress. It was only temporary, I needed a place to stash them real good. I then took my sweatshirt off, the sleeve had blood stains, and tossed it in the hamper. I would wash that on my own time, I couldn't let Elsa find it.

I fell onto my bed and closed my eyes. I needed sleep. I wanted sleep. To just slip away was a dream. Anything but reality, I welcomed.

My nap, my need, was interrupted when I heard Elsa call my name. She made lunch for me. I rolled over in my bed and got up, heading downstairs.

As I sat at the empty dinner table, I looked at my bandaged wrist and cringed. I didn't know how I would explain this to Elsa. I didn't want to lie, I couldn't lie to her. 

She sat down across from me, setting plates down before, then I watch her eyes. Her dark blue eyes fell on the bandage. She then looked at me, the hurt look in her eyes said it all. 

"October," she says my name slow, "did you--?"

I can't lie. I was caught red handed. Or, red wrist-ed?

"I'm sorry." I say. I mean it, she knows I do.

She gave a small sigh, "Your parents...they will not like this."

"Don't tell them? Please?" I look at her with tears, pleading.

Elsa never disobeys my parents. She's like their child, too. She's like my adopted older sister. My surrogate mother. But...y'know, getting pay checks every week.

"O...Kay." She sighs, "No more, please?"

I nodded, "I'll try."

Elsa gave me a small smile, petted my head, and sat down with me. 

She didn't seem like she was upset. Elsa smiled, we ate, but we didn't talk much. Nothing is ever uncomfortable for us, because it's so uncomfortable, it's comfortable. At times, I wish I could get in her head and see how she sees me. Maybe she saw something good in me that people didn't.


I had thought about Gerard a lot while I slept. I tossed in my bed, the weight of the razors on mind, as well as Gerard's eyes. It was like he was figuring me out, I think he figure me out, he got in my head. He got under my skin, he got to know me, he found the thing that made me...me. I didn't know how I felt about that.

You know what? It had scared me. Yeah, because I couldn't sleep, I couldn't think without thinking that maybe he had ammo on me. Maybe he didn't really like me and had used me to...I don't know...do something. I had become suspicious, but, I mean, he had cried...maybe it had been an act, I thought.

Eventually, the tossing and the turning, and the comfort of knowing I was a mattress away from relief led me to fall asleep. In my sleep, I had, had dreams of Gerard; I remember them, because they were so vivid and seemed so real. In them, he kissed me, his hands touched me like I've never been touched by a human being before. It wasn't in any way sexual, he just hugged me and felt the skin of my arms and shoulders. It was very nice, and I swear, I almost started to cry when I woke up.

Dreams like that, they don't come to me often. My mom, if I would have told her, she would have analyzed it. She likes to do that stuff. She thinks she has a gift, I think she's bored.

Anyway, I tried to force myself back to sleep, but Elsa got me up so we could go to some museum for my science work. Homework on a Saturday, the life of a homeschooled child, or to be the student of Elsa. She turned every little thing into studying, or work. I didn't mind, because she's smart, I've been used to doing nothing, barely baring my teeth at average my entire high school career -up until that point.

As Elsa and I drove to the science museum downtown, she wanted to talk more about my cutting. She hadn't ever known why, and she wanted to. She wanted to know why I was so sad.

"No one likes me." I tell her flat out.

Elsa frowned, her pretty red lipstick was something I always envied. She's very beautiful, "I like you, October."

-The way she says my name, it's like she's saying Aukland, but it comes out as AUK-tober-

"Yes, I know. I mean the kids at school. They make fun of me-- and, I don't want to discuss it anymore."

Still, she frowns, "I just want to make you happy."

"I understand...but I've hitched a ride to Loserville, and slept through to Freak County."

Elsa didn't say anything. She never really gets my "jokes" or lack thereof. I don't mind, I'm not all that funny anyway.

Inside the museum, I see these beautiful scale models of DNA. The interactive designs, set to show what mutation of cells causes. I'm not all that big on science, or chemistry, but I love the colors.

I kinda wished we had gone to an art museum, but I stay. I don't force Elsa out, or weasel out of it. I let her talk to me about animal cells and splicing something. I'm half way dreaming when I see him. I think I squealed; well, I did, because anyone within 10 feet of me looked over, including him.

Gerard. Gerard Way, I say in my head, with his beautiful eyes, and bad boy leather jacket, and a sketch pad under one arm. He smiles at me, I'm glued next to a replica model of an unborn infant's sex cells, the splice genes from their parents.

I need to move, I think, because he was coming over.