Heavy

Elsa, she came over, grabbing my arm gently, causing me to look at her, "What is the matter?" She asked in a worried tone; the foundation on her forehead pulled down with her frown.

"I...I...the baby," I sputtered, pointing to the spliced baby, "very...creepy," I mumbled at it.

Elsa smiled, giggling, "Okay. You are all right, yes?"

I nod, just as he walked up. He smelt like some cologne. It wasn't strong or pungent...it was warm and inviting...almost like when you can smell someone is cooking and you can see it billowing into your space. Like a cartoon, his scent grew foggy, white wolf hands and wrapped around my body. Squeezing me until I have to look at him, and I do...and I see powdering, pale foundation underneath his eye.

"Hey, October," he greets me as he walks up, stopping in front of me and Elsa.

"Hi." I replied softly. I was turning red; the blood from my feet all the way to my big dumb blond head.

Elsa, gosh, she gave me this funny, knowing smile. "Hello. I am Elsa, and you are?"

Gerard blushes, you can see the fade of his own powdery foundation as he smiles, sheepishly, "Hi, I'm Gerard...October's friend."

Elsa giggled, "A friend? How nice." Elsa sticks her hand out, and they shake and then drop their hands, "October says nothing of you."

I bit at my lip, wishing to turn into Jeanie. I can't even speak. I have selective mutism.

"I'm a new friend." Gerard says, "Uh, we met at the group meeting."

Elsa grins. Like, her face would crack if the woman were fine china; "Oh! How wonderful! Your parents, they will," she stops momentarily to find the right word, "they will be excited! Very!" 

Gerard grins too; gosh, he has the cutest smile. It's like puppy dogs dog piling on each other. The urge to coo and aw at them -at Gerard in my reality- but I hold back.

"Yeah, I guess." I say softly.

"What brings you here?" Elsa asks him, Gerard tweaks his lips.

"I came to draw." He pulled his sketch book from under his arm, "What about you guys?"

"Homework." I said quickly.

Gerard raised his brow, but then he dropped it, "On a Saturday?"

"She has a test on Tuesday." Elsa told him.

Gerard smiled, "You know, Elsa, I could help October study, if you want to get a coffee."

Elsa looked over at me, "Would that be OK?"

I nod, "Yes."

She nods back, "I have to buy groceries."

"I'll walk her home." Gerard added quickly.

I felt some sort if fear once Elsa agreed. She hugged me tight, I had that scared feeling, my stomach dropped; like when you were left at school for the first time.

"Have fun. Stay out of trouble." Elsa patted my back and patted Gerard's shoulder before she walked out of my sight.

I turned to Gerard, "I...um, should apologize for leaving so quickly yesterday."

Gerard waved it off, "It's alright, I understand."

When he spoke, directly towards me, I saw a small cut on his lip. I put my hand up, cupping his jaw, letting my thumb finger his bottom lip. I saw a change in his eyes, frightened and embarrassed. I but at my own lip, dropping my hand.

"I don't wanna talk about it," he said in a short tone.

"Okay. Well...can I see your drawings?"

He smiled crookedly, nodding his head, and turned his heel. I followed him towards the bench, towards the central nervous system. The colors, they change from green to yellow, blue to purple. Whenever your mood changes, the color changed.

We sat down, and it was weird how we both crossed our legs. We had noticed it, laughed a bit, then he sat his book on his lap; the colors changed to a purple blue color. He licked his lips before opening it; "Uh...if you like them, tell me. If you don't, don't." He gave a nervous laugh; then the color, on his side, changed to a yellow.

I nudged him gently, "It's okay. I suck at drawing...I can't even do stick figures." My color never changed; it stayed a dark blue.

Gerard opens the book and I scooted closer to get a look. Inside, he had drawn funny little characters, super heroes. I liked them, they were kind of dark, but they looked real cool. I'm not very good at critiquing anyone, so I was very unsure of what to say.

"They're really nice," I tell him; my color changes to an orange.

Nervousness.

"Why are you nervous?" He asks with a laugh.

"I don't know how to tell you I like them." I answer; color changes to mauve; honesty.

He grinned, "Thanks. Just say you like them."

"Well, I'm sure you've heard much better than "These are awesome"." I said.

He shook his head; his color changed to orange, "No."

"But, these are awesome."

"I've never showed my drawings to anyone but school teachers and my brother. I either get a grade, or Mikey saying "Dude, wow!"" Gerard chuckled.

"These are great though, Gerard."

"Thanks. You don't have a talent?"

I smirked at him, "Besides being an excellent cutter? No."

He frowns, the foundation under his eye fades a bit, "You're good at something."

I shook my head, "Nah...but I don't care."

"I'll find something." He promises this, under his breath.

I want to kiss him. My color, it changes to orange again, but he doesn't notice this.


Gerard takes me out of the building, to get a smoke, he says. We end up walking towards a church, and he's still smoking. 

"Do you go to church?" He asks, a small cloud of smoke escapes his mouth.

"No. Do you?"

"Not anymore."

"What religion?"

"Catholic. What about you?"

"My parents "raised" me, and I use the word raise very loosely, as agnostic."

Gerard nods, "Your parents..." he trailed softly, "they're gone a lot?"

"Yeah. My dad tours 10 months out of the year." I explained bitterly, "So much for a family, eh?"

"And your mom, she's his manager?"

"Yep. She manages the entire band. They rely on her, more so than me and my brothers ever had." I roll my eyes.

"You have brothers?"

"4."

"Oh...are they older?" I nodded, "They all flew the coop?"

"Yeah...they've all got married and started their own families. They don't come around..." I felt my throat grow tight, "They never invite me to holidays, but my parents go to their places, out in California...that's where they've all ended up."

Gerard tosses his cigarette, we round the corner, "That's messed up."

"I'm use to people not wanting me around." I tell him.

"Even so, they're your brothers, October."

I shake my head, "They're half brothers; they don't really count me as their sister, Gerard."

Gerard hung his head, "I feel sorry for you." He said softly.

"Don't. I don't need pity." 

"Alright, fine." He dug his hands into his jacket, "So, they went to California, where do you want to go?"

"To my grave." I joked.

I have a sick sense of humor.

"I'm serious."

"So am I."

Gerard grabbed my arm and we stop, "Look, don't do that, please."

"Do what?" I looked at him, his eyes bore into mine; he looked so sad.

"Joke about death. Death isn't funny, especially when you throw it around like it is."

I frowned and yanked my arm from him, "Well, you got to have a sense of humor when all you have is yourself. If you don't like my jokes, we don't have to talk anymore."

I walked away from Gerard, not really thinking. I wasn't mad, just slightly annoyed. Annoyed at myself from how much I pushed him away. Annoyed at Gerard for caring about my jokes; they're just jokes.

I was too busy thinking angrily, that I didn't hear him behind me. He had grabbed my forearms and turned me around. I gasped loudly, he looked at me, "Don't...don't walk away from me."

He sounded desperate.

"Well, why shouldn't I?" I said daringly.

"Because, I don't want you to. I want you around."

Those words...I want you around, I hadn't ever heard them before. For a moment, I didn't even understand what he meant, "What?"

He sighed, his arms slid down to my wrist, "I want you around, October."

"Why?"

He shrugged, looking down, looking as if he had been scolded. He didn't answer, he just held my wrist and kept looking down. I wished he had answered, I needed validation.

"Gerard?"

He looked up, "I like you. Okay. I like you, I really do...because you're messed up like me. I want you around all the time."

I was stuck. Stuck stupid. The only thing I could think of was: "I like that song, I Want You Around by the Ramones."

Gerard sighed and let go of my wrist, "If you don't like me back, that's okay. I understand, you hate people." He turned to leave and I kicked myself.

I had wondered why I had said that. I felt like a stupid idiot.

"No, Gerard, wait!" I snapped out of my trance.

He stopped and turned a bit, "Yeah?"

"I'm sorry. I'm orange." I admitted.

He laughed softly and came back to me. He stopped in front of me, still smiling, "You're orange." 

I nod back, "And...I like you back."