Buttercup

I walked inside from my joint break and hung my jacket on the hook. I rubbed my arms and blew out a big mouth of air. I opened and closed my eyes, rubbing my face with both hands, trying to wake myself up. Chris walked into the room as I was taking a swig out of an ice cold Monster that I’d pulled out of the fridge. I swallowed roughly and set the half empty can down on the table.

“You want me on bar tonight?”

“Well we can’t really use you on the floor.” He scoffed.

I looked down at the ground, still pretty embarrassed about what had happened last week. “You can’t expect me to have taken that guy down. He was fucking huge, Chris.”

He laughed now. “Then you shouldn’t have tried to fuck with him in the first place. When you see someone drunk and staggering like that, you come find me or you get someone else to help you. Seriously, Buttercup." He paused. “The next time you do that, I’m gonna let the mother fucker take you down.”

I grabbed the Monster off the table and took another drink of it. “Fine.”

“How many of those have you had today?”

He came closer to me now. I could smell the expensive cologne he was wearing practically radiating off his skin, like he’d already started sweating and he sweat out cologne.

I shrugged. “I think this is my third.”

“I thought we talked about you drinking those.”

He grabbed the can from my hands and walked over to the trash can, dropping it into the newly changed bag. I bit down on my lip and kept my eyes towards the ground. He came back over to me and pulled me into a hug.

“They’re bad for you, Buttercup. And I don’t want you getting sick on me.”

I nodded. “I know.”

He pulled away from me, putting his fingers on my chin and lifting my head up to look at him. “You smell like bud. Were you out there smoking again?”

I shook my head furiously. “No.”

“Your pupils are all fucking big.”

“It’s dark.”

“Not in here, it’s not.”

I nodded. “Yes it is, Chris. Besides that, my pupils are always big.”

“Open your mouth.”

“What?”

“You heard me.” He snapped, gripping my arm with his hand. “Open your fucking mouth.”

And so I did. I did as I was told. I opened my fucking mouth. And he did something he’s never done to me before. He literally stuck his nose in my god damn mouth and sniffed. Fucking sniffed the inside of my mouth. And then he pulled away with his eyes narrowed at me.

“What the fuck, Chris?”

He reached out and slammed me against the wall. “Don’t what the fuck, me. You’re a god damn liar and you know it. I’m fucking sick and tired of that shit, Buttercup. Fucking sick and tired of it. I give you a god damn job, a place to sleep and you sneak around, drinking those nasty Monsters and smoking your fucking blunts outside my club.”

“Yeah because it’s so fucking reputable.” I muttered.

He shoved me again, making my head practically bounce off the wall. “What was that?”

“I said it’s because I’m just fucking retarded.”

His grip tightened on my shoulder. “Did I say that?”

“No.”

“You said it.”

I nodded. “I said it.”

“You know why you’re fucking retarded, don’t you?”

I looked down at the ground, focusing on a little white spot in the corner by the trash can. I was focusing on not crying. I was focusing on getting the fuck out of this room and serving drinks. Just so I could slip a little underneath the counter and this wouldn’t hurt so bad in the morning.

He grabbed my jaw with just one of his huge hands and pulled my face up. “Look at me.”

I looked at him. I looked into his huge brown eyes. They were so beautiful. His whole face was beautiful. He had the face of a child, boyish and blushed. Big eyelashes. And when he smiled, it was like the entire room lit up.

“I asked you a question.”

I nodded. “I know.”

“Well?”

“There’s so much shit I do wrong, I’m just not sure exactly why I’m retarded.”

He slammed my head against the wall, sending pain all the way down the back of my neck. Making spots dance behind my eyes. Tears well up in my throat. “It’s ‘cause you say shit like that. You just don’t know when to fucking stop.”

I didn’t know what to say anymore. I wasn’t sure how to answer his question or what I could say to make it stop. I didn’t even know what I had done wrong. I knew that I was drinking Monsters and smoking bud outside of the club. That was wrong. But right here and right now, answering his question, I didn’t understand how that was wrong. It was completely true. But Chris just wanted what was best for me all the time. He wanted me staying healthy. And he didn’t like it when I insulted myself. He hated it. But he didn’t mind doing it himself.

He let go of my chin and I hung my head.

“Show starts in fifteen. I don’t want you at the bar tonight. I want you running drinks for Shelby. And I want you down there after you go to the bathroom and wipe that ugly ass make up off your face. And I want that piercing hidden.”

He walked out of the room and I didn’t say anything. I bit down on my lip until my chin stopped quivering and I didn’t want to cry anymore. I walked over to the trashcan and grabbed my Monster that had landed sideways against the side of the can. I held it by my thigh and walked into the bathroom, closing the door behind me. I reached into the cabinet above me and pulled out a baby wipe, rubbing off all the eye shadow that I’d put on earlier. I stuffed my septum into my nose and then reached over for my Monster, taking five more swigs of it. I put the can underneath the faucet and filled it halfway up with water, then walked out of the bathroom cautiously and threw it back in the trashcan.

I walked out of the back room and made my way to the bar, grabbing a tray of drinks. Shelby grabbed me by the arm, practically yelling in my ear. “Where the fuck have you been?”

“I was talking to Chris.” I yelled back.

She rolled her eyes and moved away from me. As I walked around with the tray of drinks, stuffing five dollar bills in my pockets, I could feel the bouncers’ eyes on me. They all thought I was this stupid little girl out for Chris’s money. Like I only had a job here because I was fucking him. Which was partly the story. But not entirely.

But no story is ever told in its entirety the first time around.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

After the show, I rounded up all the drink trays and gave them back to Shelby. I pulled all the wads of fives out of my pockets and was beginning to straighten them out when Chris walked up behind me and snatched the pile from me.

“Why the fuck do you keep your money like that?” He snapped. “I’ve told you I don’t know how many fucking times to use a god damn pouch.”

“The last time I did that, I lost it.”

He slapped the pouch down on the counter. It had my name on it. “Well you better learn how to fucking use one.” He unzipped it and then zipped it back up. “Stuff it in your pants or something.”

I nodded.

Shelby came around the corner. “You got those bills ready yet?”

Chris waved me off. “I want you to go ask those boys what they’d like to drink.”

I was about to ask him what boys, but then decided against it. I figured I probably should already know what boys and where they were. So I jumped off my stool and walked towards the back of the venue like I knew where I was going. Thank God, I walked behind the curtain and found about twenty sweaty guys.

I stood there awkwardly as I looked around the room. Some were greasy haired and sweaty. A couple of them looked like they had showered and come back inside after the show. But they all got relatively quiet as I stepped into the room. Like I had broken some secret code or something.

“Chris was wondering if you guys wanted any drinks.” I practically squeaked.

They all looked around at one another, murmured some words and carried on. One of them yelled out at me. “We don’t have money for drinks.”

“They’re free.” I said. “He offers them to everyone that plays a show here.”

A couple of them got up awkwardly. Then some of them started shouting out drinks at me.

“Why don’t you guys just follow me to the bar?” I asked.

About half of them got up and followed me. I held the curtain open for them and they all filed through, laughing and smiling. There was an energy about them that just made me want to be one of them. I felt so fucking left out. And then the one that I’d been talking to earlier walked past me. He was the last one in line and was engrossed in what seemed to be a lengthy text message on his cell phone.

I sighed and followed them out to the bar and when I saw Chris’s face, I wanted to turn back around and just run. I wanted to run forever. Until I couldn’t breathe anymore. He was angry. I could tell he was angry. And Shelby just threw her hands up and gave me that look. That one that basically told me I was a fucking imbecile.

As the boys sat down at the bar and Shelby started making drinks, Chris walked over to me and I turned right back around as he followed me to the back room. Once we were out of sight, he threw me forward and I landed hard on the table. He stood behind me with his knee shoved in my ass.

“I told you to ask if they wanted drinks. I didn’t tell you to fucking bring them into our clean bar.” He swung at the back of my head. The pain was fucking blinding. “I want every single cigarette butt picked up. Every single one.”

He walked out of the room without a word and I wasted no time in taking the door out behind the venue.

I dropped down against the wall, leaning my forehead against the cold bricks, and started bawling. My head was pounding and I could feel the blood in my ears. My nerves were shattered and I sobbed and sobbed. I couldn’t even move. My face started to hurt because I had been clenching my jaw so hard. I slammed my fists against the wall, the pain searing all the way to my elbows. I continued to punch the walls, becoming angrier and angrier with every hit. I started to feel the warm blood running down my arms and I dropped my hands to the ground, the sobbing finally subsiding. I wiped my face with a bloody hand and looked across the street at all the cars rushing by.

I had turned my head back towards the wall as I heard someone walking towards me.

All I heard was, “Are you alright?” and the smell of cigarettes drifting up my nose.