Dazzle These Nights Dead

You know, you think it would get lonely being like this... you really think it would right? With no one really left in my world, all the people that meant the most to me kind of just walked out the door and dissolved into someone else's life, someone with a love less fabricated than mine. I can't say I blame them... they deserve better than me.

I sighed with frustration; the silence of the room was casually sliced open by the dragging of my pen across the drawing paper, the ink bleeding into the wrong place, yet again. I growled, crumpling up the drawing I had been attempting to tackle for the past three hours. All I could come up with was a heap of useless paper wads. I'm failing at all my former passions now days...

I ran my fingers back through my messy, greasy, too long hair. I don't even remember when I it trimmed last, and honestly I don't care. That's how everything seems though, there's little I do care about anymore... but what's there for me to care about? The little dust particles caked upon every surface in this shitty house? The notes that I received from her about a month ago, pleading for me to understand and not to take it to hard? What a contradicting thing, seeing as she clearly told me with brutal honesty that she didn't know me anymore. That she didn't recognize the face that rested on the pillow next to her each night... that she began hating that monster that scraped me down to the level I am now at.

That monsters name? Gerard Way, the man who I supposedly was, the person I was a shadow of, until I somehow finally managed to rip at the seams which were connecting me... to him. Honestly, what can I say? I hate the man. But thanks to him I now wallow in misery every day of this fucking too long life. Now I'm just counting down the seconds, staring at the clock, sucking on my cancer sticks more ferociously than before, anything to make me go faster. Anything.

It seems as though this is all my life is anymore, attempting to draw the beautiful face that left me here because I lost myself. Writing down things that I know will never be worth making it too the next album... if there even will be one. I haven't talked to any of the guys in so long... maybe they forgot about me. I know the fans must have... I know they hate the monster as much as I do, of course they don't miss him, or me, the least bit. There's not much to miss anyway... just a rotting body locked up inside a house for too long. A house that I had began haunting.

I shoved away from the creaky wooden desk, the splinters of wood digging beneath my grimy, dirt caked fingernails. I paced over to the window, struggling to heave open the structure that just seemed to get heavier and heavier everyday. I've become such a weakling, whatever muscle mass I might have had before has surely by now deteriorated. I guess that's what happens when you haven't done anything more than lifted a pencil, paintbrush, cigarette, or piece of paper in months.

I carelessly balanced myself on the window ledge, tugging myself out of the bedroom and onto the roof, the bitter, frosty wind burning my ashy skin as I lay back on the damp roof shingles. Digging in my pockets, I anxiously removed the last cigarette from the pack before lighting it and bringing the death wish to my lips.

I can't imagine what my lungs must look like... but my guess would be they are rotting and black, shriveled up in a little wad. I doubt they'd even be able to tell those things in my chest were lungs. For all I know they aren't just infested with cancer, they probably are cancer... and I couldn't care less. I glanced up at the hazy, painted orange moon... the little swishes of gold's and reds twirling like liquid in the circular form that glared down at me.

Around the intimidating beauty lie a thousand little diamonds embedded in the waves of black, however tonight they were ducking behind clouds and airplanes, avoiding eye contact with my terrifying face and smoke. You know, I can't help but feel bad... I almost feel like I'm choking the stars, maybe that's the reason that never really shine as bright when I'm around, they are scared of me.

Lucky little things... they have a purpose in life... they've always stood for something beautiful and magnificent, and no matter what, no one has ever looked at one of those glittering white orbs in disgust. Even the falling stars, hurtling towards an inevitable death; they seem to get the most adoration. It's as if for the last moments of their glamorous lives, they go out shining their brightest, a thousand eager wish making eyes digging below their burning ember skin... To bad that never happens for humans.

In the midst of my scowl I spotted the tiniest star I've ever seem, barely even a fraction of the other aging stars... this one was just beginning on it's enchanting expedition of the world, to find the ugliest, and most beautiful destinations, it's soft tiny blue glow falling against the skin of sleeping families... I smiled at the star, crushing my cigarette against the sand paper shingles so that I wouldn't make another star suffer.

"You'll grow up to be beautiful you know... more than you already are. You'll give people that false sense of security in the wish they make on you as you fall. You'll give some people hope... people who need to see the stars. Just don't sink into the backdrop... don't let the people your love walk away... like I did..." I mumbled, with a half-hearted smile, and after all these months, I still couldn't get over it as the tears spilled over my translucent cheeks... I wish I had the strength to make it... but I don't... I'm a coward. No one can save me