Ruin Everything

When I woke up the next morning, there was the distinct smell of pancakes and breakfast sausage cooking. I pushed myself out of bed and wandered to the kitchen, where Jack and Alex, alongside Rian and Zack were picking at freshly made breakfast food.

“Good morning!” Jack said as he saw me. I waved and opened the door to the fridge. I pulled out a Gatorade and turned back around. I found three pairs of wide eyes staring at me. Jack had turned back to his food.

“Did I grow another head over night?” I asked.

“Not exactly,” Rian stated. I raised my eyebrows and then looked to Alex.

“Cass,” he said, pointing down.

I looked down and gasped. I had forgotten to put my shorts back on. I was wearing just a brown tank top, without a bra underneath and a purple pair of underwear.

“I’ll be right back,” I muttered and hurried back to my bedroom, cheeks flaring hot with humiliation. I quickly stripped off my tank top and put my bra back on from the night before. I pulled on a loose v-neck owl t-shirt and then a pair of black batman shorts. I quickly brushed my hair into a ponytail and then left to join the guys once again.

“You know,” Zack said as I slid into a seat next to Alex, “I preferred you in that tank top.”

I reached down the table and smacked him upside the head just as Jack did the same, scolding him with “That’s my sister, asshole.” Alex touched my knee, comfortingly and softly. I hid my smile as I grabbed two of the last pancakes. In the short amount of time that I was gone, the four boys had practically polished off the breakfast.

“How do you feel about having to go back to school next week?” Rian asked as I lathered my pancakes in butter and then in honey. No one else in the house eats honey, but Jack makes sure there is a steady supply of little bear-shaped bottles of clover honey in the house just for me.

“It’s gonna suck, but hey, it’s the last year!”

Jack laughed.

“Be careful, Ace. This year is gonna fly and you’re gonna want it to come back,” my brother warned.

“Be careful, Jack. You’re starting to sound like a grandpa.”

He smiled and kissed me on the top of the head as he took his dishes to the sink. Over the past three years, Jack had grown up quite a bit. He was more dependent, and he cleaned up after himself.

“Speaking of school, I have to go to the store and buy some supplies because you decided to throw all of my school supplies into the fire pit last year.”

“You didn’t need them for the summer,” he told me.

“Jack, you’re such an idiot,” I said with a shake of my head. “Anyway, what are you guys going to be doing today? Practice, I’m assuming, since you’re all in the same building.”

“No, actually, we were gonna bother you all day,” Alex stated.

“Of course you were,” I said flatly. I started in on my pancakes, listening as the conversation changed naturally to whatever came to their minds. Alex’s hand still rested on my knee, like an anchor. He was good for that.

“I’m going to get ready, and then you assholes can take me to the store and help me pick out things I’m gonna need for school. Okay?” I said, finishing the last bit of pancake left on my plate before Alex snatched it off. I dropped my plate into the sink, promising myself that I’d offer to do dishes for Joyce after dinner and headed for my room. I found myself being followed by a cute, brown-eyed singer who resembled a lost puppy just a bit.

“What’s up?” I asked him, opening the door to my room. It wasn’t much. It was small, with off-white walls. I didn’t have anything on the walls, except for the portion where I had pictures of me and the guys taped next to my bedside. I had a dresser, a closet, a desk and a television, none of which really got used. The dresser was huge and my clothes only took up half of the space. Joyce and May had tried to get me to go shopping with them to buy more clothes as I grew, but I only let them buy me the necessities. Anything else in the closet and dresser were courtesy of Mr. Hammond’s credit card.

“Haven’t seen you in a few days. I missed you.”

“Alex, you saw me yesterday.”

“Not the way I want to see you,” he reminded me, leaning in and sneaking a kiss. I pushed him away and glanced out into the hallway.

“Are you trying to get caught?” I hissed.

“No, I was trying to kiss you, but you seem resistant to my advances.”

“My brother is right down the hall.”

“And?” he asked, a smirk taking up half his face.

“Jack will kill you; do you remember that conversation we had?”

“Vaguely. Mostly, I just remember the excellent kissing.”

“Alex,” I scolded. “I appreciate the enthusiasm but we have to be careful.”

He frowned and leaned in to kiss my forehead. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”

“Apology accepted. Now get out of here so I can get ready.”

He laughed, snuck another kiss and then left, closing the door as he went. I turned to the task at hand, dressing for the day. I picked out several outfits before I realized something. I wanted to tease Alex. I wanted to leave Alex wanting more, even though he couldn’t have it. I searched for a good few minutes before I found it. It was a bright red, ribbed tank top. It fit my curves perfectly and as I’d been told plenty of times by Becca, made me sexy as hell. I picked out the most extreme push-up I owned and a pair of thin cotton underwear. Last, I found a pair of jeans, my best pair of jeans. They were dark denim skinny jeans, a pair that didn’t accentuate the fact that I have muscular legs, the only pair I own, I’m almost positive.

Once I’d picked out my outfit, I grabbed my towel off of my bed post and headed downstairs, ignoring Jack’s complaints about me taking too long. I took my shower, singing along softly to the playlist. I thought about Alex a bit, and about my session. I hadn’t even thought about him since I’d left. Joyce had asked me how it went and if I was interested in setting up a schedule with him. I hadn’t responded. I was too in shock to decide anything. I had just spilled out so many things, to this stranger. These were things I hadn’t told anybody, not even Jack. This random guy knew half of my past, and I hadn’t even gotten to the bad shit. He was just some guy and now, all because I decided to open my mouth. My mother would smack me if she knew. Although, at this point, I think I deserve to be smacked around a bit.

This thought sent a jolt of realization through me. I just said, albeit to myself, that I DESERVE to be hit, to be abused, for needing help. It’s in our nature, as humans, to need help, to need someone to carry the load for a while. I slid down the wall and started crying. I was so fucked up, and it was all because of her. She’d down this to me. She had broken down every last inch of innocence and made sure that long after she was gone, there was still a trace of her on me. I dug my fingernails into my leg, trying to calm myself down. This is exactly what I would do when Mom went too far when she was a bit too high or drunk. She hated to hear me cry, so whenever I started to, I’d just dig my nails into my arm or leg to bring myself back. I’d broken open the skin on many occasions. And it seemed to me, like it was one of those occasions.

There was a knock on the door and Jack called to me. I immediately let go and gasped, staring at my legs. I hadn’t broken open the skin but I had left deep crescent moon shaped indents in the flesh on my thighs. Luckily I had grabbed jeans and I didn’t have practice. I’ve never had to explain when these things happen, and I’m hoping that I never do. Especially not to the Barakats who have been so sweet and nice, and caring to me ever since they’d met me. They opened their home to a lowly street rat and so far I hadn’t done much for them in return. I wasn’t even a decent person, to be honest. I left them wondering if I was okay, when I vanished for hours at a time. I never really said thank you or please. Mom never taught me manners, or anything. I wasn’t a good daughter and I wasn’t a good friend. I was just the sad excuse of a thing that my own mother didn’t want.

I picked myself up, turned off the water and reached for my towel. I quickly dried off and put my hair up into the towel to try as I dressed. I opened the door and let it air out, and apparently invite Jack in.

“Hey, are you okay?” he asked, leaning against the doorframe.

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” I replied, putting on my best fake smile. While I wasn’t a very convincing liar, I had one hell of a fake smile. I mopped what was left of the condensation on the mirror off with the edge of my towel and made a face at myself.

“Fuck it, I’m not putting on make-up today. I’m too lazy,” I said, both to myself and to Jack.

“Cassara,” he said softly. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m fine, Jack. There’s nothing wrong, I promise.”

He still didn’t look convinced but he dropped it. I let my hair out of the towel, ran a brush through it just to ruffle it back so it looked natural. Once satisfied, I turned to my brother and grinned.

“Let’s get this show on the road!”

-&-

“Oh my god!” I squealed as Alex spun the cart I was in around and around, making my head feel as if it was about to spin off my shoulders. We’d stopped at Wal-Mart for a quick snack from the Subway in it and had been sidetracked. We were in one of the walkways between sections, near the Tire section. I could feel the stares of unhappy workers and customers.

“Alex!” I tried hitting at him so he’d stop but I think I just knocked a few cans off the shelf.

“Alex, you’re gonna get us kicked out. Again,” Zack warned.

“Fine. Spoil sports,” he mumbled and stopped turning me around. I leaned back into the side of the cart, staring up at the boys.

“Let’s not do that again,” I said, closing my eyes against the dizziness that washed over me.

“Are you okay?” Jack asked. “You’re not gonna barf, are you?”

“No, I’m not gonna barf. I just need to sit a second.”

“Sorry,” Alex said. I waved him off.

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll be fine.”

He ran a hand through my hair and then started pushing me towards the toy section.

“You don’t need any of those, Alex. Walk away,” I told him. He huffed.

“But, there’s Legos,” he said.

“I don’t care if there’s Legos. Just keep going.”

“You’re a sour puss, Pebbles,” he mumbled.

“I’ll show you sour puss, Alexander.”

“Please do,” he said with a flirtatious wink.

“Please stop flirting with my sister,” Jack begged. “And preferably before I have to kill you.”

I laughed.

“Please don’t kill him, Jack. He’s the only nice thing to look at around here.”

Zack and Rian made sounds of protest from somewhere behind us. Alex laughed.

“I don’t need to be hearing this,” Jack said, covering his ears.

“Shiny!” I shouted, pointing towards the houseware section. Alex took off, pushing me towards the aisles filled with plates and knives.

“ALEXANDER AND CASSARA!” Jack called as we careened into the aisle. I laughed as he sped me down the aisle and into another one, filled with curtains and rugs. “I swear to god, if you don’t get back here, I’m not taking you to Staples!”

“Alex, I gotta go to Staples,” I said, turning in the cart so I was facing him. He made a face and stopped. He glanced behind him, leaned over the handlebar and kissed me.

“Fine, but I really want to continue this later.”

“If we get the chance, I’ll gladly continue this.”

He winked and then turned the cart around. I lounged in the basket of the cart as he easily pushed me back to the rest of the band. Jack decided to climb into the cart with me and Alex couldn’t push us anymore.

“God, Jack, you’re so fat!” Alex laughed. Zack pushed Alex aside and easily started us towards the front of the store. I started a game of patty cake with Jack as we went along.

“Staples?” I asked, Zack rolling us outside and towards the car.

“Staples,” Jack replied with a smile. He knew how much I loved shopping for school supplies. I never really had the chance to do it as a kid. Mom bought me the cheapest items and smallest amount of supplies to get me through the year. I was that kid with the smallest pack of off-brand crayons and even through middle school, I had to beg teachers for supplies. I was constantly in trouble for not being prepared but I tried my best not to lose any of my things.

Since I’d moved in with the Barakats, they’d made sure I had plenty of things for school. They bought me a new backpack each year, a new wardrobe of clothes, and whenever I ran low on something, a new pack of whatever it was appeared in my room. They were so good to me, too good.

We piled into Jack’s car, dear sweet Bessie. While he had let me look for a car with him, he hadn’t actually bought one, or even picked one out. Jack cranked Bessie’s engine and she groaned from the effort.

“Oh dear god,” Alex whispered from behind me. Jack and I had taken the front seats while Rian, Zack and Alex were crammed into the back. Another reason Jack needed a new car was that we just didn’t fit. If any of the guys had girlfriends, we’d be screwed. Well, Rian has a girlfriend but she’s not interested in hanging out with us that often. I think it’s me. She doesn’t like me that much, or at all.

“We’re gonna die,” Zack moaned in the backseat. I laughed and rested my head back.

“Jack, we really need to find you a new car. My Aveo is better than Bessie.”

“Shut up, Bessie’s just under the weather,” Jack snapped. He was so touchy when it comes to his car.

“Yeah, with a terminal sickness,” Rian pointed out.

“She needs to be put down,” I agreed.

“Stop ganging up on my car! She has enough problems without your negativity!”

I contained my giggles as he steered the poor dying car through the streets to our local Staples. Once parked, I jumped out of the car, Alex quickly following, and we raced to the doors, leaving the three others in the dust. I grabbed a cart and we started off towards the school supplies. Alex veered us into the aisle with computer paper and ink jet printers only to steal a kiss.

“You know, I like this. We should do this more often,” he said softly.

“What? Kiss in Staples?”

“No, silly. We should go out, just to go out.”

“Like on a date?”

He smiled.

“If that’s what you want,” he replied.

“I’d like that.”

“ALEX! CASSARA!” Jack yelled. Alex stepped away and steered the cart back around to the right aisle. Alex Gaskarth had just asked me out on a date, well, sort of. But still. I couldn’t believe my luck.

We joined Jack, Rian and Zack next to the pens and pencils. Jack hooked an arm around my shoulders.

“Ready?” he asked. I looked up at my brother and grinned.

“You bet I am!”