Ruin Everything

“So when does the album come out again?” I asked as Alex drove Jack and I to a used car dealership. Bessie had finally kicked the bucket a week earlier, two days after our date. There was no saving her. Jack had tried everything, but every mechanic he went to see had agreed. She wasn’t even worth the sum of her parts. Jack was a bit kicking and screaming about getting a new car, but I’d promised to be beside him the entire time and that Bessie would want this.

“Next week,” Alex answered.

“The 25th,” Jack grinned at me from the front seat. I’d elected to take the backseat so Alex wasn’t tempted to hold my hand or rest his hand on me, which he did on the drive to the theatre and then again on the way back to our meet-up with Sam.

“I’m so proud of you, guys.”

“Just wait until you hear it!” Jack enthused.

“I’ve heard most of it. You know, when you wrote it,” I said in response. Alex stuck his tongue out at me, through the rearview mirror. I shook my head.

“It’s different, though,” Alex explained. “It’s like, you saw in when it was a baby and now, you’re gonna meet it as a, a.”

“You say adult and I will hit you, Gaskarth. There is no way the four of you made a mature album. I’ve listened to the past three, remember?”

He laughed.

“A horny teenager, then,” he replied.

“That’s better. But hey, that totally fits you four. Not that that’s a bad thing or anything.”

We were silent as Alex finally pulled his car into the car dealership. Jack frowned.

“I changed my mind, let’s go home,” he said, his voice small and pitiful.

“Jack, you are 20-years-old. Your car is dead, and there is no way of bringing her back. You need a new car,” I finally said sharply. He turned his head to look at me over the seat. “You have to suck it up and be a big boy now. Okay?”

He nodded.

“You’re right.”

He got out, shut the door behind him and headed towards their selection of cars.

“That was astounding,” Alex muttered. “I’ve never seen someone get him to do something like that, without pissing him off.”

“I have certain privileges as best friend and pity case.”

“You’re not a pity case.”

“You can’t convince me that I’m not,” I informed him.

“This is the part where I would kiss you and tell you that you’re not, but Jack is still standing right there.”

“Damn him,” I smiled. I slid over to the door and opened it. I jumped out and then shut it, running over to Jack. I jumped onto his back as he inspected a dark blue Honda Accord.

“This isn’t the same car as Bessie,” I stated.

“You’re right, though, Cassara. I can’t keep hanging onto Bessie. Yeah, she’s been a good little car, but I can’t hang onto everything that meant something to me.”

“You’re growing up so fast, Jack. What am I going to do? One day, I’m going to blink and you’re going to be a grown adult with a house, and a family.”

“And what about you, Cassara? I swear it was only yesterday, I was saving your skinny ass from getting tossed into the Dumpsters.”

“You weren’t much bigger, Jacky,” I reminded him.

“No, but I was taller. You, my little pipsqueak, were a damsel and I rescued you from your distress.”

“And I am eternally grateful.”

“You better be. Now, Ace, get off.”

I slid gracefully off his back and stood next to him as he leaned towards the car. I opened up the door and slid into the driver’s seat.

“Aren’t I supposed to be the one looking for cars?” he asked, leaning in as I pretended to drive the car, making the appropriate car noises as I did.

“Leave me be, Barakat. I’m busy,” I waved him away as I pretended to screech around a corner. Jack proceeded to sit on top of me and wriggle around on my lap.

“This seat, it’s weirdly shaped. It’s not comfortable at all. I’ll have to give it a 3 out of 10,” he stated, bouncing.

“Weirdly shaped? WEIRDLY SHAPED? Get off, asshole!”

He laughed and got out of the car, stumbling right into a salesman.

“I see you were looking at this nice Honda Accord,” the salesman started in.

I chuckled, getting out and shutting the door while Jack tried to talk like a mature adult. I skipped away, towards Alex who was leaning against a large black SUV with tinted windows that reminded me of all those cop dramas. I grabbed his hand and pulled him around to the other side. He pressed me up against the vehicle and kissed me hard, running his hands through my hair. I greedily ran my hands down his arms, feeling his skin underneath mine. I would never get used to this.

He pulled away, panting and smiling. I’m sure I had the same expression. I certainly felt like I did.

“I love that,” he mumbled before kissing me again.

“Cassara? Alex?” Jack called. Alex stepped away and let his hands fall from my hair. We both went about straightening our clothes as we made it look like we’d been hiding and not like we were making out.

“You guys are assholes,” Jack pouted as he found us, crossing his arms over his chest.

“I do not know what you are talking about,” I stated with a shrug. “We weren’t deliberately hiding so you would get stuck listening to a sales pitch. Nope. Nothing of the sort happened.”

He glared and pursed his lips.

“Remind me why I keep you around, again?”

“Because I’m your sister and I’m eternally in your debt because you saved my skinny ass from getting tossed in the Dumpsters?”

“That’s true,” he said, uncrossing his arms. I bounced towards him, leaving Alex beside the SUV.

“Besides that, I’m your pipsqueak and you would be completely lost without me. Don’t try and be mad at me, Jack.”

He smiled and pulled me into a hug.

“You’re still an asshole.”

“I’m aware. Now, let’s find you a car before that salesman tries to sell you the entire lot, yeah?”

“Yeah. That’s a good idea. I’m very persuadable.”

“And that’s how he lost his virginity,” Alex informed me as we walked through the aisles.

“Dude, Cassara doesn’t need to hear that shit,” Jack scolded.

“Seriously, I’m perfectly happily not knowing how awkward that must’ve been. So, let’s move on.”

“Besides, it’s not like your first time was that successful,” Jack shot back.

“Whoa, man. Whoa. That was below the belt.”

“Yeah? So was she, but that didn’t really work out, huh?”

I bit my lip and tried to stifle my snickers. I’d heard Jack’s digs at Alex for his first time a lot, but they never grew old.

“I hate you,” Alex mumbled, blushing hard. I dropped back to hook my arm through his and kissed his cheek.

“Jack’s being a meany,” Alex whined pathetically.

“I know, sweetheart. Ignore the bully.”

“Stop using Cassara against me! She’s my pipsqueak!” Jack stomped his foot.

“Jack, stop picking on Alex. Everyone’s first time is awkward and should not be used as ammo.”

“How would you know?” Jack asked.

“I have friends, you know. Friends that are girls, gossipers. Girl who don’t talk about anything but boys and their sex lives. You forget that I live through the experiences of others. Plus, Becca.”

“Becca,” Alex and Jack repeated.

Becca was my lifeline to experiences that I wouldn’t have for a while. She was a fountain of knowledge on all things sexual. The boys knew this; because of numerous times she demanded to sit in on a practice with me. Most of the time, we’d end up painting each other’s nails or something equally girly while the boys jumped around and played their songs. They were aware of how she was, although it’s impossible not to. If Becca was around, you knew it.

“When that does happen, please do everything in your power to keep me from it. In my mind, you will always be little Cassara, quiet and scared of the world. Okay?” Jack asked.

“You got it, Jack-Jack.”

“Oh, so, you don’t want to me to shout it to the world?” Alex asked with a mischievous grin. “Got it.”

“I’m going to kill you,” Jack said.

“You don’t want me to get her pregnant? Damn. I was hoping that would keep her in Baltimore,” Alex continued. I covered my face with my hands as my face flared with embarrassment.

“That’s it, Gaskarth. You’re dead,” Jack shouted and they took off, Jack shouting at Alex as they weaved in and out of the cars. They were gonna get us hauled out of the lot. I shook my head and headed back for Alex’s car. I crawled into the back seat, leaving the door open so the cool fall air could blow in.

One car alarm started blaring from across the lot, and then another and then another. Soon almost every single alarm in every single car in the dealership was screaming.

“Shit! SHIT!” Jack screeched. He jumped into the car, landing right on my legs. Alex slammed the front door as Jack pulled the back one closed as well. “Drive!”

We were squealing out of the parking lot before Alex had even buckled his seatbelt.

“What the fuck, guys?”

“Alex ran into one of their Challengers and set off the car alarm and that set of the rest of them and fuck, we’re gonna get arrested,” Jack panted. I pushed Jack off of me and then calmly slid myself into the front seat next to Alex.

“Alex,” I said, putting my hand over his. He glanced at me. “You’re gonna take the third left after the movie theater, okay?”

He nodded.

“Where are you taking us?” he asked when he turned down the street. I didn’t answer.

“Right up here,” I said, pointing to the intersection. He followed each one of my instructions, leading us deeper into what were the slums of our city. Finally, I pointed towards a small dirt road and he glanced at me uncertainly.

“I’d rather get arrested than murdered,” Jack piped up from the back.

“Just trust me, okay?”

He nodded and drove slowly down the dirt road.

“Where does this lead?” Jack asked.

“You’ll see, now shut up,” I stated, ending all conversation. Alex drove around the slight curve that disappeared into the trees. Both boys were dead silent, neither saying anything nor moving a muscle besides Alex who was driving. Finally, the trees thinned to a clearing.

“Park it,” I instructed. Alex did and I climbed out. With a smile on my face, I walked to my clearing. I stood in the middle and faced the entrance. I swung around 180 degrees and then walked to the treeline. I counted the trees before pulling myself up into the one etched with a CAJ, a carving I’d spent 5 minutes on using a switchblade I’d snatched off of Mom when she was blacked out drunk one night when I was 11. I grabbed onto branches and pulled myself up, using the most familiar footholds to keep myself steady until I came to the nook. I pulled out the tin lunch pail and tossed it to the ground. I climbed back down until I was on the lowest branch which was still a good 6 or 7 feet from the ground. I took a deep breath and dropped. I scooped up the tin and walked back out into the clearing. Jack and Alex stood by the car, staring at me.

“The forest isn’t going to hurt you guys, I promise,” I called out, sitting down in the grass. I looked up and smiled. It felt nice to be back here. I couldn’t believe I could still find this place, but then again, this was once a haven for me. I could find this place with my eyes closed, if you dropped me in the right place and faced me in the right direction.

I opened the lunch box and took out the items held within as Alex and Jack joined me.

“What is this place?” Jack asked, sitting across from me. Alex sat between us, staring as I spread out my stuff. It was perfectly preserved, if a little worn, despite being in the tin for 4 years.

Inside, 13-year-old me had placed a picture of Mom and Sam, my older brother, and a picture of Mom and me. There were no pictures of my father anywhere in our house, although I did know that Sam was my full sibling so he must’ve been around long enough to knock Mom up twice. I’d stowed away my favorite book from middle school, the first note that Becca had ever tossed to me, and a stack of index cards all rubberbanded together. Each index card held an address that I’d lived at on one side and on the other a memory or two I liked. I’d done this without Mom knowing. I had searched through all of our old pieces of mail and written down each new address. I had wanted to remember my life at one point. I didn’t want that anymore.

“It’s just a place. I found it when I was, oh, 10 or 11. This place has kept me safe. It’s a good place, despite being in the middle of the ghetto.”

“What are these?” Alex asked, picking up the index cards. I watched as he slipped the band off them and began leafing through them. “Are these?”

“All the places I’ve lived, yupp. Hickory Lane in Kansas City. Presley Drive in Miami. Main Street in Cortland. Town Barn Road in San Diego. Mom had a thing about moving. I lived with her for 13 years. I lived in at least 17 places. The last one you’ll find in there is Baltimore, 194K High Street, were we lived surprisingly for a year and a half.”

“Wow. That’s remarkable,” Alex muttered.

“She’d been planning on moving for a year,” I said softly, staring at the pictures. Mom looked so young in the first, Sam sleeping peacefully in her arms. They were in the hospital and Mom was beaming at the camera. Maybe she had wanted children once upon a time. I never really knew my own mom. The mother I knew was cruel and abusive and neglectful. She was apathetic and addicted. But the Matilda Jankowski in this picture was completely different. She was healthy, with a round face and big green eyes. Her light brown hair curled and tumbled down her shoulders. Her arms weren’t sticks and her hands were skeletal. The Matilda in the photo was happy. My mother hadn’t been happy my entire life.

What happened to her?

“Cassara?” Jack asked. I looked up at my brother and the world blurred through the tears. I quickly swiped them away and sniffled, trying to hide the fact that just thinking about my mom made me cry.

“Yeah?”

I was suddenly engulfed in a hug on both sides. All of the years I held in my tears, held in all of the shit I’d put up with, finally broke and I started to sob into one of their arms. The hug tightened around me, securely shielding me from anything outside. I clung to both of them, thanking whatever god or deity had graced me with Jack and Alex.

When they’d finally calmed me down, and let me go, I wiped away the remaining tears, packed up my lunchbox and let out a breath.

“Let’s go home.”