My Thoughts Are Stars I Can't Fathom Into Constellations

“For fuck’s sake, just come out. I heard tonight the party was supposed to be super rad, anyways,” Lia announced, flipping her hair back over her shoulder.

Lia was that one person in the group who thought that she ran the show and that everyone simply idolized her. In reality, she was the girl in the group who no one really liked, and we had made it abundantly clear, but she still stuck around desperately hoping for a chance to fit in.

“Since when do you say rad? That word is shit, Lia,” Hannah chimed in.

“I don’t really care though, do I?” Lia protested, with this sinister smirk on her face; as if she was fooling anyone.

“No, you don’t. But, to put it quite bluntly, no one here actually gives a fuck if you piss off from this group, now do they? You’re constantly cocky, consistently bragging about everything you purchase and own. You have everything handed to you on a silver platter, we get it,” Hannah ended.

If I believed in best friends and trusting people, Hannah would be my safe harbor. That girl and I were alike in so many ways and she was a total blast to be around. Don’t get me wrong, I mean, I did share some things with her, but when push comes to shove, I just felt it was better bottling my feelings up.

See, that’s the thing. I believe that no matter how much someone tells you they care about what you have to say, they don’t. I’ve grown up with it programmed in my head that all people ever are is curious, that’s all. They don’t frankly give a damn if you’re dying on the inside, if something is eating you alive to no end.

It was so much easier to believe that than to be loved. At least when you knew you had that outlook on the world, you had nothing to lose. No one would really care about you, so they’d just see you as basically there.

I’d rather be just there than loved.

Love gets too complicated and has too many emotions and tangles. It just gets way too messy and I was tired of the disappointment and let downs. I had learned that the only person you can depend on at the end of the day was yourself.

Fuck the concept of trust and best friends, in my world none of it would ever exist.
I suddenly got that itch sensation again.

Hannah whispered her head towards me and spoke, “Seriously Saf, you should definitely make an appearance. It’ll be loads of fun. We’ll just get the guys to pay for whatever we need them to.”

“I don’t know… I’m not sure it’s the best idea,” I mumbled, my voice trailing off and sounding uncertain. I had been feeling very weak from lock of food within the last two weeks. Woops.

“Aw, pish-posh, come on! You haven’t been out in ages. It’s truly lovely once you get back into the flow of things. Come, please?” Hannah pouted her lips and gave me her famous puppy dog eyes while dragging out her “please.”

“Alright, alright. I guess I can show up for a bit,” I replied, giving a very vague fake smile.

“YAY! It’ll be totally fantastic, Saffie. Just you watch!” Hannah smiled at me.

I wanted to believe in that smile, take comfort in it; genuinely wear it proudly for all to see. I wanted that smile to live inside me.

I tried to imitate it, hoping it would make its way from the outside to the inside.

My arm got all itchy again, but I sat there smiling, waiting to feel the warmth on the inside; waiting for the smile on this outside to radiate even the dullest of light on the inside.

Nothing.

The itching sensation just wouldn’t go away, but the smile on my face lingered for a couple of brief seconds only to vanish into nothing but a firm line. Typical.

I just kept on itching and itching and itching.

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