My Thoughts Are Stars I Can't Fathom Into Constellations

“Mum, where the fuck have my knickers gone?” Hannah shouted.

We had been sitting here for nearly an hour trying to find a decent outfit in order to go out. I never really liked anything about my appearance or any of my clothes for that matter as well.

I couldn’t stand my skin; I always had at least one pimple. I usually used cover-up as well to cover any noticeable acne scars that had been left on my face. My dull, brunette hair had a simple part, sometimes straightened and sometimes wavy. Tonight, I had decided to go a bit bolder, teasing it and crimping it. I had my light brown eyes, which were pretty common as is, but becoming even more non-unique as more babies were being born. I had put a nice smoky grey eye-shadow all over on the lid, pressing some black eye shadow in the corners closer to my temples as well. I tried to go for the smoky eye look and it actually came out quite nice, but I still wasn’t as pleased as I hoped to be. I put on my mascara and eyeliner and that was it.

As for my outfit, Hannah decided to give me some things in her closet she seemed to have put together. It was this black corset tank-top, a dark, micro mini jean skirt, black fish-net stockings, and leopard pumps. I didn’t really care for this look, but I didn’t want to insult Hannah’s fashion senses either, so I just went with it.

Hannah had finally located her missing knickers and had hurriedly dressed herself, as well as start to tidy up her room.

“Jaycee phoned me before and said she would be here in an hour. That was probably an hour ago, so you’re ready, right?” Hannah asked me.

Hannah looked stunning, as usual. Her beautiful blond hair looked like mine, teased and crimped, except a million times prettier. Her light brown eyes held a twinkle, which mine couldn’t even manage to spark. Her eye-shadow had been done like mine except it really seem to make her eyes pop a lot more than mine. Her skin was naturally flawless and to top her look off she had added this exquisite red lipstick. She had thrown on a leopard tunic with black fishnets under it and bright red pumps. All guys who I’d ever talked to always mentioned how fit she was when they started talking about the prettiest girls.

“Yup, ready as I’ll ever be,” I mumbled.

I didn’t really have the desire to even go out, I just wanted to sit at home in my pajamas and throw on some old movies or something like that. I couldn’t be bothered with the hassle of getting ready and going out, but yet again I wasn’t really listening to myself, so why start now?

Beep-beep.

“Shit, she’s here,” Hannah announced, as she started shoving clothes back into her closet.

She ran over to me and grabbed my hand while saying, “Come on!”

My stomach got all up in knots thinking about tonight, I didn’t even really know where we were going. Hannah had just told me it was going to be like a party and fun. She didn’t even have to mention it but I figured we were going to come home pretty wasted as well. Shit, I needed a good spliff, so why the fuck not?

“Mum, we’re leaving, be back later!” Hannah shouted, before we ran out the door.

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This place was absolutely amazing. It was a dark room, kind of like a club. But colorful lights, those colorful lights were moving around everywhere. Dubstep music blasting from every direction you could possibly turn. There were a bunch of people dancing, some people were smoking, others drinking. I just couldn’t wait to get in on all the fun. I had promised to cut back and not smoke or drink for a while, but I couldn’t resist the hungry temptation of fulfilling my needs. Hannah had given me spliff and I started smoking right then and there.

It was now me in a circle with Hannah, Jaycee, Lia, Stella, Evie, some girl Tilly.

“This is fucking amazing!” Jaycee shouted above the music.

“I know,” Hannah answered motioning her hand to the dance floor, “I’m gonna go dance.”

Right as she hit the floor, a guy started grinding with her along to the beat. How I wish someone would take notice in me and want to do that stuff with me.

I just kept walking around, smoking and not having a care in the world. I was starting to feel light, kind of like I was floating away. It felt so absolutely delightful, feeling so light. I felt like I could float away to wherever I wanted. It made me feel tinier and more comfortable. But then it started frightening the fuck out me. Thinking about how I wouldn’t even be in control of my own body, how the wind could just throw me around as if I were a feather; how my feet would never touch the ground.

Everything had started spinning and I was walking in a very jagged line, hysterically laughing. I didn’t really understand what had come over me but I couldn’t really do anything to stop myself at this point.

I had made my way to the dance floor and just started moving. I had been there only for a couple of seconds, but surprisingly a pair of arms made their way around my waist, and I
felt someone dancing behind me.

Turning to try and see who it was, I only saw a blurred face, so I just turned around and kept dancing.

Everything had continued spinning, and those lights. Those fucking lights were absolutely beautiful and they were moving all around me. I felt the music pumping in my veins, building up the adrenaline and sweat that was pulsating through me.

I felt like I was just truly letting go for once and not giving a shit. I felt like I was sincerely just okay in that moment and like nothing could really stop me. I knew I had no control over anything at that moment, which both made me extremely happy and extremely nervous all at once, but I just needed to let go for one time in my life.

I just kept moving to the music and this guy’s grip got tighter on my body and I just kept swaying. As the beat was coming to a halt, I wanted to go outside. The spinning had slowed down a bit, but was still somewhat there.

There had conveniently been a cooler all the way in the corner, how I was actually able to take myself over there without falling? That’ll always be a mystery to me. I pulled out a Bud-Light and searched for the exit.

It was too hard to spot, so I just walked straight out. There was a beautiful breeze on this May night and I was super thankful for it.

I sat on the steps that was just outside the exit and sipped my beer a bit. I didn’t really think about not drinking and slowing things down with whatever habits I had been re-instating because all I wanted to feel was good and this was obviously helping me let go.

I breathed in as the breezes swept across my face, and the chill felt so lovely.
It was like it ignited these prickles among my face, that nothing else would ever be able to do. The sensation of the chill made me shiver, but I was shivering with delight.

There I was, sitting in the dark, feeling super buzzed and chilled.

I couldn’t think straight or put any thoughts into words, everything that I was thinking just came out in a bunch of non-sense ramblings.

I didn’t think about any problems I had been lodging within myself, I didn’t think about the self-loathe I held for myself, I didn’t think about how alone I usually felt, I just didn’t think. It was just absolutely fantastic to sit there and not give a shit about a single thing.

To feel so gone, but the good type of gone. The gone where nothing can hurt you no matter what because you’ll be forever floating, out of their grasp or reach.

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I don’t know how long I was out there before a girl comes stumbling out only to trip down the three tiny stairs and start hurling all over the floor.

By that time I was smoking a cigarette, still pretty buzzed but not dizzy, and just feeling on top of the world.

I looked down at this girl as she was getting vomit all over her clothes and some parts in her hair, and I felt bad. She looked weak. She looked like she had been so lost and so desperate for a good time and a place to hide away in. I even saw her crying, but her make-up had been all smudged and her mascara started running so you could tell she had been crying before. She was holding onto the rail, as if symbolizing she was looking for stability and support, someone to hold onto. That led me to believe that all this unknown girl wanted was a friend, someone she could depend on for shit she might get herself into.
I didn’t really feel like going back into the party since I felt pretty wonderful at this time anyways, and that was all I really came here to accomplish.

So instead of leaving this girl here to rot in her tears and puke, I got up, led her to the trash can, stood behind her, and held her hair as she heaved into the rest of the rubbish.