Deceit Brings Fire

Matt’s P.O.V.

I sighed, scribbling with annoyance over the last line of the lyrics I’d been trying to write for days. I just couldn’t concentrate. Tossing the notepad onto the seat next to me, I leaned back against the cushions, picking up my phone. Still nothing.

It had officially been a week today. A week since we’d seen each other. A week since we’d spoken. A week since I opened my big, fat, stupid mouth and suggested we take some time apart. What the fuck was I thinking?

I couldn’t text her and I couldn’t call her and I couldn’t see her. Not when I was the ass who'd initiated the separation.

I heard a quick knock at the front door, followed by the sound of it being pushed open. I didn’t bother getting up. I knew it was Brian.

A moment later he appeared in the archway, an excited, panting Bella at his heels. He sat down on the couch adjacent to mine and reached down to rub her head.

“What’s up?”

I shrugged. “Nothing.”

“Lyrics?” He gestured to the notepad beside me and I nodded lazily in response.

“Supposed to be,” I mumbled. “It’s not going so great.”

He nodded, looking down at Bella as she lay down against his legs.“Distracted?”

I picked my head up to look at him. I narrowed my eyes slightly as I looked him over. He was staring at me in a way that I couldn’t quite place.

“What’s going on with you and Becca?”

My stomach dropped and I shifted uncomfortably. Swallowing, I regained my composure. “Nothing. Why?”

He huffed out a laugh. “You guys both think I’m an idiot, don’t you?”

I thought it best not to reply. I snuck a glance in his direction, and as expected, his eyes were trained on me.

“My sister won’t talk to me, you know. She says she’s fine, but she and I both know that’s a damn lie. Especially when I catch her crying in her room in the middle of the night when she thinks everyone’s asleep.”

I winced, averting my eyes from him. I’d never wanted that. That was what I had been trying to avoid by staying away from her.

“And then, my best friend won’t talk to me either,” he continued, although I knew he must have seen the change in me. “He’s always grumpy and boring as shit. He sits at home all damn day and refuses to go out at night like– ” He broke off for a moment, raising his eyebrows as he picked up the lighter on the coffee table. “You’re smoking?”

I rolled my eyes, crossing my arms across my chest.

“What’s it to you if I smoke?”

He shrugged, absentmindedly turning it around in his fingers. “I couldn’t care less. Except that you don’t smoke, remember?”

“Thought I’d start.”

Brian shook his head with a smirk, tossing the lighter back on the table. “Back to my question. You gonna answer it?”

It’s none of your fucking business, I thought to myself, feeling my body turn hot as anger rippled through my chest. I wasn’t sure where it came from, but it didn’t seem to take much to tick me off these days. I felt his eyes on me even as I held my ground, defiantly ignoring him.

“I’ll just wait here,” he continued, propping his feet onto the table and leaning back, folding his arms similarly to my own. “No pressure.”

“What the fuck, dude?” I slammed my hand on the table, wishing I could hit him instead. “Can’t you see that I don’t want to talk about it? Just leave me the hell alone.”

I snatched the lighter from the table and stormed out of the room, pulling open the back door and slamming it shut behind me. I let out a shaky breath as I wiped at the sweat on my forehead, my blood still boiling. The outdoors offered little relief. If anything the hot California sun beating down on my back was making me feel worse. I slipped the pack of cigarettes from my pocket and popped one in my mouth, lighting the end of it before leaning my elbows on the deck railing. I allowed myself to relax as I filled my lungs with the nasty stuff, my eyes slipping shut and my head rolling forward.

I don’t really know what happened. One day I was driving home from the studio and had stopped at a gas station to fill up the tank when the words just seemed to slip out of my mouth, and before I knew it, I was homeward bound with a cancer stick wedged between my lips. The first two puffs were brutal, making me cough and nearly vomit, but I soon relaxed, and finally felt a little bit better. I wanted to stop now, and I would, as soon as the enormous weight of guilt and uncertainty revolving around Becca was gone from my chest – whenever that may be.

I heard the door open, but I didn’t open my eyes or acknowledge Brian’s presence. I heard the click of a lighter and then he was standing next to me.

I took another puff of my cigarette, letting it out slowly. “Thanks for leaving me alone, man. I really appreciate it.”

“No problem, dude.”

I laughed humorlessly at his matched tone, leaving his side to sit down on the bench against the house.

“You know what Matt?” he continued, stepping away from the railing and approaching me once more. “I‘m a little past caring what you want at the moment, to be honest. My sister’s hurting, and I don’t know why. But I don’t fucking like it.”

I didn’t like it either. In fact, it really hurt. It made the weight in my chest even heavier. I said nothing, staring at the smoke as went past my fingers, before shoving the half-smoken cigarette into the ashtray.

“But I do know that she’s been weird ever since the night she spent here.” He raised his arms dramatically with a cluck of his tongue. “And you know what else? So have you. Imagine that! But it must just be a coincidence, right?”

“Yup. Probably.” I knew damn well that I was pissing him off, but that only made me feel better.

“Okay. I’m really done with all the sarcasm and shit, because it really isn’t funny.” He plopped down on the bench next to me. “In case it hasn’t been made clear, I’m not leaving here until you tell me what the hell happened.”

I stared at the ground, playing with my fingers as my anger was all but replaced with anxiety. My insides twisted uncomfortably and I immediately wished I hadn’t put out my cigarette. I considered lighting another, but before I knew what I was doing I was up and pacing the length of the porch. I had the urge to bolt, go running to clear my head, but I knew I couldn’t do that. It was now or never.

After a few minutes I walked back to the bench, exhaling loudly as I sat down. Despite my attempts to calm down, my knees bounced steadily, matching my quickly beating heart.

“You okay?”

“No,” I replied, an edge to my voice.

“Look,” he began after a moment, “I’m not trying to be an asshole here. I just want my sister happy. That’s it.”

“I know.”

I wanted her to be happy, too, but I still wasn’t sure whether or not it would involve me. We’d always be friends, or at least I hoped, but did we belong together? I knew that she liked me – found me attractive, cared about me… and maybe even loved me – and after this past week, I hadn’t a doubt in my mind the way I felt about her. But it was far from being that simple. There were things about me that she didn’t know. Things about me that Brian did know.

“Matt.”

I turned to him. “What?”

He hesitated, seeming a bit uncomfortable himself. “I have to ask you something, since I’m not getting anywhere asking you to do the talking.”

“Okay?”

He sighed lightly. “Did she kiss you?”

My muscles tensed and I felt a bead of sweat roll down the side of my face. It felt like my insides were on fire. “Who?”

Brian groaned, leaning forward and putting his head in his hands, his fingers tangled in his mess of black hair.

It was a stupid question, I knew that, but at the moment I hadn’t known what else to say. My heart was on overdrive, my breathing unsteady. “Why would you ask that?”

“Just answer the fucking question,” he mumbled, his voice muffled slightly. “You’re killing me."

I bit my lip, glancing over at him. He was still covering his face, for which I was thankful. It was a bit easier not having his eyes ingrained in my skull, but not by much.

“Yes.”

He raised his head with a loud sigh, pulling out another cigarette, lighting it and sticking it in his mouth in a matter of seconds.

“I fucking knew it.”

He held his pack out to me and I took another without question. I didn’t know that I even wanted it, but I didn’t feel like refusing anything from him at the moment. He struck his lighter and put it against the cigarette already in my mouth.

I heard a buzzing and I watched as Brian pulled his phone from his pocket. “Speak of the devil,” he muttered, hitting the red ‘ignore’ button and shoving it back into his jeans. “I need a beer. Want one?”

I nodded and he disappeared into the house. I took the lit cigarette from my lips, and pulled on the black, sleeveless shirt that was sticking to my body in the heat with my free hand. Brian was back in record time and he handed me an opened beer. Nodding my thanks, I immediately brought it to my lips, taking a swig. The cold beer was more than refreshing physically, and as my body temperature began to cool down, my nerves seemed to ease, if only a little.

“Next question. Did you kiss her back?”

I’d known he wasn’t finished, but it didn’t make the words any less troubling. I took a drag of the cigarette, savoring it – not so much the taste, or even the feeling (although I had to admit it, combined with the alcohol, had calmed me down significantly), but mostly the little bit of stalling it gave me. I felt his eyes on me again as I let it out, staring at the ground and watching the smoke blow away with the wind.

“Yes.”

He nodded curtly, not seeming too surprised by my answer. “Did you enjoy it?”

I waited just a moment before answering. “Yes.”

“Would you do it again?”

I knew that this was the most important question. It seemed harmless, but it wasn’t. Kissing her once was one thing. A fluke, perhaps. Something out of my hands, since she’d made the first move. Of course, he didn’t know what we’d kissed more than once that night – that her kiss had been quick, innocent, almost timid, but mine full of desperation and a passion that I hadn’t even known was there. He didn’t know that it had quickly turned heated, leaving us breathless and dizzy. He didn’t know that the only reason we’d stopped is because he'd called my cell phone, obviously concerned about his little sister, as always. And now he’d be concerned about me with his sister. I’d be the new danger that he’d have to protect her from.

I swallowed heavily, my mouth suddenly dry, and cleared my throat. “Yeah. I would.”

Brian didn’t say anything. We smoked our cigarettes and sipped our beers in silence. A silence that was both extremely uncomfortable and long. Or at least it seemed long. Whether a minute went by or ten, I wasn’t really sure, but finally I heard the sound of him putting down his beer, saw him put out his cigarette.

“So. Now that we’ve established that more went on than movie-watching and eating Chinese food, can you please tell me why my sister is upset?”

I set my beer down on the table beside his.

“When she first kissed me, I barely kissed her back. It was so fast I had no time to even comprehend what was going on. But then I kissed her and-”

“You can spare the details,” Brian mumbled.

“I wasn’t… I was just going to say how after we kissed, all I could think about was you and my past and I just felt like shit because I fucking swore to both you and myself that I’d never do this. But I couldn’t lie to Becca and I can’t lie to you."

His eyes focused on me as I stopped, wondering how to best say what I needed to tell him.

“I don’t regret kissing her and I know that she doesn’t either. After this week from hell, I have never been so sure that I have feelings for her. Real feelings. I care about her, I always have, but this is… God this sucks.”

I reached for my beer, pouring the rest of it in my mouth. As I began again, I forced myself to look Brian in the eye.

“My friendship with your sister means more to me than anything. And even if it makes me sound like a douche, I’m willing to bet that Becca feels the same. I was scared and confused and just all-around fucked up, so before she left I told her it would probably be best if we took some time apart. I hadn’t thought about what that must’ve meant to her and it kills me to know that I basically broke her heart. But I swear to you that I never meant for her to get hurt. That was the whole entire point.”

I watched as Brian looked away, realizing I was finished. It was silent again for awhile, but somehow the quiet was much less torturing than the last. I allowed myself to relax, closing my eyes and giving Brian the time that I knew he needed. It didn’t matter what he said. I’d told him, and in doing so, an enormous weight had been lifted off my chest.

The bench creaked as he stood up. I heard the jingle of his keys and I looked up at him.
“Where are you going?”

He looked at me, his face virtually unreadable. He forced a small smile, that resembled more of a grimace. “To get my sister.”