The Hills That Cradle Us

Ahh, it's shows like these that make me feel like a saint. There was this poor single mom who was working two shifts a day at a resteraunt and stripping at night to make ends meet. Her kids were on the free-lunch program and the family was 50 grand in debt. So, we paid it off and gave her a little extra to get her back on her feet. Gosh, she was so excited and relieved and shocked all at once. She was shaking and crying but dancing and hugging me. Yes, I feel like so much better about myself when I do things like that. But, in all honesty, I will probably never give that family another thought ever again.

I've always been like this.

I had this vision when I was younger, around 14, of being a psychotherapist. I was basically the therapist of our little "clique" anyway. It's like I always knew what to say. But, when I went to bed that night, I didn't really give a shit if my advice worked or not. If it didn't, it wasn't my problem.

But then I noticed something. I really got attatched to my friends. I loved being around them. Our clique: Fiona, Lexi, Devin, Carly, Krissy, and of course, me. I realized that I really didn't wanna have to go through school without them. And that scared me. Even my best friend, Sadie, was kept at a distance. I didn't wanna fuck up and be broken-hearted if she decided to leave me.

I tend to do to that, too. Even now.

With friends, boyfriends, almost everybody was kept at the perfect distance. Not one person knew absolutely everything about me. But, I really liked my friends. They were all so nice. So geniune. Perfect.

I always felt like the outsider of the group. I wasn't perfect. I was the oddball. The one that polluted them. Of course, they probably and hopefully didn't feel the same way. They always joked about it, but I think I was the only one to take it seriously. So, slowly and unnoticably I started holding back every little detail of my stories. Even the funny ones.

It's funny. Looking back on everything, I can relate to some of the people I counsel on the show. So, does that make me unqualified to be counseling people? I hope not.

I went to my convertable and started it up. Driving home, I had this really big urge to call Fiona and Lexi. Maybe they could come down to LA and spend the weekend at the beach house with me. It could be just like old times. When I first moved to LA, I brought both of them with me. They helped me unpack and we went walking around Hollywood and saw all that touristy stuff. We bought those cheesy touristy T-Shirts and hats and made fools of ourselves.

Suddenly, a car horn beeped at me. Goddamn, that was close. I clearly wasn't paying attention to the road. Almost hit a stop sign. Yay for me.

Before pulling into my driveway, I picked up my mail. I got my monthly Cosmo, my cell phone bill, and a letter from Lexi. Holy shit.