Written In The Sand

“… and I guess what I’m trying to say is, well, I love you Olivia, I love you. This year could have been the worst year of my life, but you, you’ve been there and made it the best. All those months I thought you didn’t feel the same. Then when I found out you did, shit… it was amazing. And these past three months - I’ve loved them. I’ve loved you. I love you like crazy”

As Olivia Fog gazed into the eyes of her boyfriend who’d just confessed his love to her, she didn’t feel that giddy feeling of overwhelming love she had expected to encounter the first time anyone said they loved her. On the contrary, she felt sick. Sick with guilt and sick at the realisation she was a horrible human being.

They were sitting on the closed lid of the sandbox in Jack Hunt’s back garden. It was the very same sandbox that twelve years earlier, Jack had been maddened by his mother when she rudely interrupted his castle making. And for such a mundane reason as introducing him to the strange girl that had moved in next door! She had been wearing dungarees and red boots and Jack thought she dressed like a boy. Her name was weird too. Olivia. It reminded Jack of olives and he didn’t like olives.

However, once his mother had left them to play, Olivia had clambered into the sandbox next to Jack and said to him - “It needs a tower.”

“Does not!” he had retorted indignantly.

“It does, every castle needs a tower for a princess to look out the window,” she said with such conviction Jack wasn’t sure what to think.

“I don’t know anyone who’s a princess,” he said his face crumpling into a frown.

“I’ll be your princess,” Olivia said already beginning to make the tower, “only if you promise to keep me safe from witches.”

“I will!” Jack had exclaimed, “Let’s make a really high tower!”

And as they patted down the foundations of the tower, there formed the foundation of their friendship.

Ten years earlier, aged seven-and-three-quarters, Jack had protected Olivia from a witch. The witch had moved in across the street and at first she had seemed a sweet girl with bouncy curls and rosy lips. However her sweet looks were deceptive. Laura didn’t like the way Jack and Olivia always shared their snacks and favourite toys. She didn’t like how they were always at each other’s houses for dinner or how Jack came to Olivia’s door every day before school. It infuriated her that whenever they played Castles, Jack always made Olivia be the princess and he’d have to rescue her from the evil witch. Laura thought she should be the princess and that Olivia should be the witch. Olivia didn’t act like a princess; she didn’t even brush her hair unless her mum reminded her to!

One day Jack and Olivia had been playing in the sandpit when Laura had appeared at the gate. She had wanted to play with Jack by herself for once and was enraged when she saw Olivia was there. She laughed when she noticed Olivia playing contently with Jack’s trucks.

“What’s so funny, Laura?” Jack had asked curiously.

“Olivia!” she had sniggered spitefully.

“Why?” Olivia asked, her brow knotted in confusion, “I’m not doing anything funny.”

“You’re such a boy!” Laura hadn’t been able to control her laughter any more and sat down on the side of the box, “Don’t you think so, Jack?” she added, looking up at Jack expectantly. Olivia looked too, her face pained. She wasn’t a boy. She was a girl!

“No.” Jack had said bluntly, “Here Olivia, you have my special truck,” he said comfortingly to his friend who beamed with excitement.

“Real girls don’t play with trucks,” Laura sniffed, irked at how Jack hadn’t agreed with her.

“I play with trucks,” Olivia had said quietly.

“I told you you’re a boy,” Laura snapped, “You even dress like a boy!”

At this point Olivia had looked down self-consciously at her simple shorts and t-shirt. Her eyes glanced over to Laura who was wearing a pink top with flowers on it. Olivia felt tears gather at her ducts as she searched Laura’s face for any sign that she was just teasing. But Laura’s face was hard and determined. “Are you sure you’re not a boy, Olivia? Is your real name Oliver?”

“Leave her alone, Laura. You’re being mean,” Jack stood up and stared down at Laura whose mouth dropped open in shock.

“I am not!”

“You are. Get out of my sandbox. I don’t want you playing here any more.”

Laura left in a hurry, her own eyes framed in tears just ready to spill. She never played with Olivia and Jack again.

Back at the sandbox, Olivia was quiet. Jack’s special truck lay discarded at the side.

“Do you want to keep playing?” Jack had asked patting his friend on the back like the way his mum did whenever he was upset.

“Can we build a castle?” Olivia asked with a glimmer of a grin.

Jack simply smiled and handed her the spade.

Nearly eight years earlier, Jack had a party celebrating his tenth birthday party. Olivia and her mother had spent the whole morning baking a cake. It had taken them so long because it wasn’t an ordinary cake – it was a castle cake worthy of a boy who’d hit double figures. Once the barbeque was finished, Olivia had rushed into Jack’s kitchen where his mum was lighting the candles.

“I hope he likes it, Julie!” she said jumping on the spot breathlessly as Julie lit the last candle.

Julie laughed. “He’ll love it, Olivia. You’ve done a brilliant job.”

“I wonder what he’ll wish for,” Olivia asked, dazing out the window dreamily.

“Probably that he’ll get married to you one day in a castle as glorious as this one!” Julie chortled. Olivia’s head whipped round to gawp at her.

“Jack doesn’t want to marry me!”

“That’s what he wished for last year,” Julie said, carefully lifting the cake up from the counter, “He thought I didn’t hear him.”

“He really wished he’d marry me?”

“Yeah but shush, don’t tell him,” Julie said heading towards the door that lead outside. “Coming?”

Olivia nodded her head, and with a hop and a smile, she skipped out after Julie to join the chorus of Happy Birthday.

Later that night, Jack and Olivia said goodnight to each other the way they had done every night for as long they could remember – from their bedroom windows that overlooked the lane on opposite sides.

Almost six years ago, Jack had been sitting on the edge of the sandpit watching his younger sister Amelia play with her building blocks inside when Olivia had come down the lane between their gardens. He could only see the top of her head but he recognised the way her blonde hair bounced due to her walk.

“Livi?” he called out and he watched as Olivia ran over to his gate at the opposite end of his garden. Her face suddenly came into view but the rest of her was still obscured by the hedge.

“Hullo Jack, hullo Amelia,” she greeted them. Her voice sounded cheerful and her cheeks were flushed a pleasurable pink.

“Where have you been,” Jack queried.

“Shopping!” Olivia announced, stepping onto the bottom bar of the gate and leaning over so that her long, wavy hair fell forwards and caught in the evening sun in a way that meant Jack momentarily didn’t register what she’d said.

“Shopping?” he said after a slight pause, and his confusion amused Olivia.

“Yes! Want to see what I got?” Olivia asked him excitedly and Jack said that he did, thinking it would be a book or a sketchpad. Olivia swung open the gate in her usual reckless manner and skipped into his view.

Jack’s eyes widened dramatically. “You’re wearing a dress?”

Olivia beamed, “Do you like it?”

Little Amelia clapped her hands together, “Livi very pretty!” she gurgled, stumbling to her feet and clinging onto Jack’s knee. Jack pulled her onto his lap. “Livi like a princess.”

“Thank you, Amelia,” Olivia smiled. “Do you like it, Jack?”

Jack felt his cheeks tinge pink with embarrassment. Olivia’s limbs were slender and tanned from the summer, her dirty blonde hair highlighted gold from the sun, the pale blue cotton dress stopped just above her knees and fluttered around her legs in the slight breeze. He noticed how the bodice accentuated the small bumps that he had never noticed before. He wondered if she’d bought her first bra yet. The very thought made him blush. He didn’t know what to say. He settled for, “It’s nice.”

Olivia’s face visibly fell, she shuffled her legs in embarrassment and she too flushed, “Just nice?” she asked, her voice faint like an echo.

Jack realised his mistake, “No!” he protested, “I mean, Olivia, you look really pretty,” he said and averted his gaze to the ground feeling flustered, but when he looked up he recognised the way Olivia’s lips twitched at the corners, resisting a smile.

“Why thank you, Mr Hunt,” she said demurely, walking over with a sashay of her hips and taking Amelia from his arms. “Now Amelia, would you like to make a sandcastle?”

Amelia clapped her hands together excitedly, “Yes!” she squealed and Olivia set her back down and climbed in beside her.

Jack watched as Olivia showed his little sister how to pack the sand really tight into the buckets so that the castles wouldn’t crumble and how she picked up the much smaller hands in her own and helped her. And then he joined in.

Around four years ago, Jack had just turned fourteen and Olivia was counting down the months until she was too. Sitting cross-legged outside on top of the closed sandbox, Olivia and Jack were looking out upon the open fields that spread beyond the bounds of his garden. Olivia was confused. Jack had come to her door telling her to come to the sandbox but they’d barely spoken at all. Racking her brains for anything that she could have done, she couldn’t think of a single thing. The silence seemed to stretch on as far as the fields but eventually it was broken.

“I went out with a girl last night,” Jack disclosed simply, “We watched a film and then I walked her home.”

“Oh.”

“It was fun, I guess,” Jack carried on, “She held my hand all the way through even though it wasn’t a horror film.”

Olivia couldn’t imagine Jack sitting in a cinema, with a girl holding his hand beside him. She couldn’t imagine them sharing a big tub of popcorn and drinking the same drink out of two straws. The very idea made her feel a bit odd. “Was it a good film then?” she asked, feeling she must say something.

“Alright, wouldn’t recommend it,” he stated, “She chose it.”

“What’s she called?” Olivia queried. She couldn’t think of any girls she knew that were interested in Jack.

“Georgia Hale?” Jack replied and Olivia felt a strange sinking feeling deep in her stomach.

“The year above? Pretty?” Olivia asked. The two of them were facing desolately at the fields, unable to look at each other comfortably. An image of a tall, sporty looking girl with shoulder length brown hair and freckles sprang to Olivia’s mind. She was a pretty girl but now that Olivia thought about it, her nose was larger than average.

“Yeah her!” Jack exclaimed.

There was another silence, only broken by the muffled sound of music coming from Jack’s living room. The quiet hung, heavy in the air, buzzing with static electricity and making the very atmosphere colder.

Olivia shivered, “Want to make a castle?” she suggested with a shrug of her shoulders.

“Yeah.”

Only eighteen months ago, they had been in a very similar situation. Olivia’s older brother Alex had just passed his driving test and like many seventeen year old boys had been trying to find reasons not to do his homework and had decided on going for a drive. Perhaps it would clear his mind and he’d be able to concentrate on logarithms later. It was on this particular drive, at around 8pm, he’d come across Olivia on a park bench with his old rugby mate. This probably wouldn’t have been a problem if they hadn’t been kissing. Alex had parked his car directly in front of them, marched over and hauled Ben off, much to Olivia’s embarrassment. Olivia, naturally had kicked up a bit off a fuss in the car after Alex had forced her to say goodbye.

When they’d arrived home, the two of them were still yelling, red faced at each other and slamming the car doors shut. The noise had disturbed Jack who moved over to his window to peer out. The light from the street lamp illuminated the pair and due to their volume, Jack could hear everything.

“You’re only just fifteen!” Alex was bellowing and Jack wondered whether he was drunk and was about to go back to his laptop when he heard Olivia’s next words.

“He’s only two years older!” Olivia retorted, her voice trembling with anger. Jack couldn’t see her now they were standing at the front door but he knew her whole body would have tensed up in her anger. “It was just kissing!”

Olivia had been kissing a boy two years older? Jack didn’t need to hear any more.

As was usual on a school day, Jack rang Olivia’s bell at precisely half eight the following day. He was surprised when Olivia immediately opened it with Alex close on his heels.

“We’re taking the bus today,” Olivia declared.

“Don’t be so bloody ridiculous,” Alex snapped, “I’ll give you a both a lift like I normally do.”

Olivia linked her arm round Jacks arm tightly and steered him down the path and onto the pavement, “We’re fine.”

Alex sighed. “Well stay away from Ben. If I see him with his tongue rammed down your throat, I’ll make sure mum and dad ground you for life.”

“Oh don’t you worry!” Olivia yelled over her shoulder as she stormed down the street, “You’ve fucked that up so well, there’s no chance it will be happening again!”

Alex didn’t reply, he simply started his engine with a roar and thundered down the road at a speed far too fast for a quiet residential area.

“So…”Jack started awkwardly.

“Don’t ask.” Olivia said and managed a smile, as her pace slowed down, “He probably was too old anyway.”

Jack felt secretly glad that he had an excuse not to breach the subject again.

A year ago, something happened that really tested Olivia and Jack’s friendship. His dad suddenly and unexpectedly died of a stroke. There were no clues – he had always been healthy and active, he didn’t drink much, didn’t smoke, didn’t even eat unhealthily. It was simply one of these things.

Olivia and Jack had been sombrely watching over Amelia and Lily in the sandbox a few days after his dad’s death when Jack had started to cry. First a tear formed and rolled solemnly down his cheek. Olivia hadn’t even noticed that one, lone tear but as the others began to form and tumble, she grew alarmed. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d seen Jack cry, and it had never been over something like this.

At first she just watched, not knowing how to console him but as his eyes reddened and glazed over with a river of fluid, she pulled him towards her. He buried his head in her shoulder, amongst her sweet-smelling hair, and it was only then that he let out a sound of anguish. She rocked him slowing, cradling him against her.

“It will all be ok,” she found herself saying as salty tears appeared in her ducts, “Everything will be fine.”

Amelia looked over in concern. She was six years old now – old enough to know, but not old enough to fully understand. Yesterday she had told Olivia that her daddy had promised to build her and Lily a Wendy house to play in and that “when he got back” she was going to ask him to paint it yellow. Olivia had only smiled sadly and said she liked the colour yellow too.

“Is Jack ok?” Amelia asked, her bottom lip trembling as she observed her big brother sobbing into Olivia’s shoulder, his arms gripped tightly around her.

“Jack’s ok, he’s fine,” Olivia tried to sound sincere but her voice cracked before the name ‘Jack’ had fully left her lips.

“NO!” Jack suddenly roared and pushed Olivia away. “No I’m not! I’m not fucking fine!” he jumped up to the ground with such ferocity that Lily started to whine.

“Jack! You’re scaring Lily!” Olivia tried to calm him as Amelia showered her little sister in kisses.

“She should be fucking scared! Her dad’s dead! My dad’s dead!” Jack stumbled over to the tree that stood in front of his kitchen window and took a swing at it. He hit right on target and Olivia screamed at the impact. Jack stopped. He looked at his hand, cut and bloody, and slumped down to the base of the tree. “She’s pregnant, Olivia.”

“Whose pregnant, Jack?” Olivia whispered, kneeling down beside him. She looked back at Amelia who was franticly trying to settle Lily, her face painted with worries a six year old should never have.

“My mum is. Three kids already and her husbands dead. She’s been sick every morning for the past fortnight. I can hear her.” Jack started to cry again. “She’s alone with four fucking kids. He should be here to support her!”

He went to punch the ground again with his hurt hand but Olivia caught it. “Don’t,” she whispered and slowly raised it to her lips. He closed his eyes and took in a deep breath as she kissed the ragged cut that had been carved across his knuckles, her warm breath tickling him.

“I love you, Olivia.” Jack said, resting his head against the tree.

“I love you too, Jack. We’ll all get through this,” Olivia said, wiping the tears away from his face. She wrapped her arm tight around him and squeezed hard. She meant every word; she’d be there for him all through this.

Over the next nine months, Olivia had barely left Jack’s side. Whenever he was down, she was there. Whenever he didn’t want to be alone, she was there. Whenever Jack needed help babysitting whilst his mum was at the hospital, she was there. She ate most of her meals at his – cooked many of them in the first few months. A couple of times, unknown to her parents or his mum, she’d even slept over. Usually Jack gave her the bed and he slept on a make-shift bed on the ground but once she’d woken up to hear him crying. She’d stumbled under the covers and grasped hold of his hands and in the morning they’d woken up, their bodies entwined.

When Julie went into labour, Olivia was in the passenger seat whilst Jack drove her to the hospital. The baby was a boy and Julie named it Rory.

After his father.

Olivia had to console Jack’s grandmother when she learnt that the baby had been named after her son. Olivia had always thought Granny Hunt looked young for a granny, but now she couldn’t imagine anyone frailer. Her skin was paper-thin and her hair almost transparent.

All of them had aged over the months though. Julie hadn’t dyed her hair since and the greys were showing. Jack looked so much less care-free than she remembered and as she sat there, watching him hold his little brother for the first time, the sun shone brightly through the open window.

Jack looked up from his brother’s face and his eyes locked with Olivia’s. It was that moment, that Olivia first saw him smile properly since his fathers’ passing. It was a smile that lit her up from the inside, ignited and warmed every cell in her body. She couldn’t help but to smile back.

That very night, Jack and Olivia were sitting in the sandbox making a sandcastle with only the light of the moon to guide them. Neither Amelia nor Lily was there but that only made it special. They hadn’t built a sandcastle by themselves for years.

“One more tower for the princess,” Jack said with a laugh, turning the bucket over and pushing it down. With a flourish he whipped off the last bucket. Olivia yelped as the bucket collided with all three towers sending a spray of sand across the sandbox. Jack groaned and Olivia leant across the castle and gave him a playful whack across the head.

“You complete moron!” she said, “It’s ruined!”

Jack didn’t say anything. His lips had formed into an amused smirk. “What?” Olivia asked, a grin playing on her lips too.

Purposefully, Jack raised up a hand, directly above the remains of the castle.

“You wouldn’t dare!” Olivia gasped as Jack’s hand slammed down, through the remains. “Jack!”

And with that Jack leant forwards and kissed her. It was only a brief kiss- if Olivia had blinked, she might have missed it – but as his lips touched hers Olivia thought how many stars there were above them, how vast and deep the night sky was, how here, with Jack, she could lose herself completely. Jack pulled back and looked at her sheepishly, the dimple on his cheek caving in.

Olivia was shocked, completely at a loss for words. There was only one thing to do. She shuffled forwards, placed her arms round his shoulders and her lips met with his once again. His lips felt plump and firm, like nothing she’d ever kissed before. As his arm curved round her waist and guided her over, her heart fluttered against her ribcage.

She found herself laughing. And soon Jack was laughing too. She lay back in the sandpit and simply laughed - a sound that had become foreign in the Hunt household. Jack lay sideways beside her, looking down at her. As her laughter stopped, she gazed up at him too.

“Can I kiss you again?” Jack asked. Olivia nodded and so he kissed her.

And he kept kissing her.

Two hours later, Olivia walked home grinning, covered in sand.

*

Now, after only three months, she was listening to Jack say he loved her and she couldn’t say it back. As she regarded the blissfully happy features of his face, she almost couldn’t comprehend what she was about to do.

“Jack… I don’t think we should see each other any more.”