Hold on for the Long Ride

Travis flooded through my brain, everything reminds me of him, all of it; I needed someone to lean on, to be with. I didn’t realise that this year and a half was going to be the best time of my life, it made all the bullshit I’d gone through before seem worth it, all the times I’d sat in a counsellors office and they begged me to get me to tell them about me but I just sat there doing nothing, saying nothing, because nobody ever cares about the bullshit somebodies been through unless they’ve been there themselves or if they get paid because I reality nobody gives two fucks.
‘I didn’t know, I didn’t know that I’d fall for you or come here and meet some of the most amazing people ever, I didn’t realise I’d have to leave it all behind.’ I texted him, I wasn’t coming back, I couldn’t come back. Because I knew going back to the UK would want me to come home I knew being there I would be stronger, I wouldn’t live with my parents, I’d go and find a job in the city, I’d see Travis if he was in the UK, but returning home was somewhat what I needed to be able to show peopled I’d found myself again.
‘I just want you to stay,’ Travis replied to me and for the first time in a long while I cried, I wanted to tell him it’s going to be fine, he’d forget about me. I’m just Alex, I’m nobody special. It’s me, Travis meets girls every day that I’d love to be able to be, but no he chooses me with the fucked up background with the scarred skin, the problems waiting on every doorstep and the worry that every time that she turned the corner she’d be knocked back down again.
‘Travis, it’s just me, Alex. I’m no-one special. I’m not perfect, you’ll find someone better than me, you won’t remember my name in three years’ time,’ I took off the key necklace that hung around my neck and placed it in my hand, I replied to the text. It was true, nobody remembers their exes, by the time Travis is married and with kids and they ask about me they won’t be hearing stories about me, they’ll hear stories about their mother, and I won’t exist in Travis would anymore.
‘Alex you’re my entire world, I can’t be without you.’ He told me. He lived before he met me, what’s the difference he can act like we never went out, like nothing ever happened. He can say that he dumped me; he can tell everyone that I was a one off, or the worse mistake of his life, I’d heard it all before.
‘And that’s why I have to go. I’m sorry Travis.’ And I put away my phone. I opened up my bag and pulled out the torn up notepad that I’d started to carry around, I don’t know why, but today seemed liked the perfect time to use it, I pulled out a pen and began writing, I was going to mail this before I got on the plane, there wasn’t a chance in hell I was going to see them all again.
‘To whomever has the pleasure of picking this up:
Well if it’s Kelsey; you’re one of the most beautiful girls I have ever met, inside and out, I’m glad I met you, I’m sorry I left.
Ana:
Stay strong, you’re beautiful and I love you.
Travis:
There aren’t words to describe why I left, why I did what I needed to do, but I love you, okay?
I know you all want to know why I’m never the person who accepts compliments or does what she does. I had a fucked up past, and I’m not proud of it, I’m sorry okay? I let you all down.
This truly is my last goodbye
Alex xo.’
‘ALEX!’ I heard a shout from someone and the whole of the airport stood still I felt like I was the only one there because at this point that was the only voice I wanted to hear, I turned around to see Travis standing there, with the band, Kelsey and Ana as well. It was complete silence in the airport as Travis walked closer, I got up from my seat and Travis reached me.
‘The first time I met you, I trusted you, and I felt like the world had stopped moving. All because of you. I don’t want you to leave; I want you to stay with me.’ Travis told me, the tears spilled down both of our faces. I could see Kelsey crying from behind Travis and Danny trying to calm her down. Then I knew what I had to do, it was my choice on what I wanted to do, I’m 18, I do whatever I felt like.
‘Travis, sometimes good things have to come to an end, I’m not good for you, I’m not perfect and you can’t trust me.’ I told him, the tears fell down my cheek. I could stay, I mean I hated my step dad, he was horrible to me, never treating me right or being the person I thought he was. And in that short moment I made the biggest choice I ever had to make and I didn’t know if it was the right choice on the best thing to happen in the long run.
‘You have no idea how much I fucking love you.’ Travis replied to me and I unwrapped his arms from me. He thought I was going to stay but I knew deep down that he knew I wasn’t going to stay, I couldn’t.
‘Travis you’re truly the first person I ever loved, but we can’t’ I told him and took a step back. I watched him as his darkest fears come true, I didn’t know what to say to him or what I was going to do.
‘Don’t Alex, please.’ He told me, grabbing my wrist. It was a battle I was never going to win and I didn’t know what to do about me and Travis. I was always the one fighting in my life but now it was finally time for me to give in, and say goodbye to it all.
‘Travis, remember you asked me if it was alright for you to get a tattoo representing me and how much I changed your life?’ I asked him and he nodded. I sighed, he thought he was wining.
‘Remember that because we’re in a battle that neither of us is going to win. I’m not good for you; you and I both know that.’ I told Travis, I knew he was speechless completely loss for words. He knew it was the truth, deep down.
‘I’ll do anything for you to stay, Alex please.’ Travis begged me, I shook my head. No. I couldn’t my heart was torn pen.
‘I have to go home, no matter how much I hate him he’s still family, Travis I want to stay I really do I want to be able to say I’m able to wake up every morning knowing that you’re there. Safe and sound. You know I can’t come back home after, don’t you?’ I told Travis. I placed the necklace into his hands. The biggest thing that represented me, and who I was and what I was as I person, I put the letter on top, and faked a smile.
‘Try, I’ll do anything please just try.’ Travis told me, and I let the emotions win, I nodded. And he kissed me. I knew somehow this was going to end badly. I was giving up because that’s was what I knew.
‘What about you always saying hold on, stay yourself?! Because you’re in it for the long ride?’ Travis shouted at me as I ran from him, tears pouring down my face. Travis was going to be heartbroken I knew it, I didn’t know what I was going to say or do.
‘That’s bullshit!’ I shouted going through the desk, not turning back or thinking twice, I knew I had to go, because I needed to get back to reality and stop living a dream.

Travis
The 5th of May 2012 came around and I got into the car to go to Essex, my first time since it had happened, 23rd of June was possibly the worst day ever, getting that phone call, I saw the turning and the car stopped, 4 years ago, the first person I ever loved life was taken away from me, never to be returned again. I needed her so badly, I as wore out ever since not being myself, not believing anymore. It shocked me how long it had been since I last saw her, I finally reached the cemetery and I made my way through until I spotted the only purple gravestone in the whole of the cemetery, I sat down in front of it, and read the message.
‘Don’t worry, I’m always going to be here,’ it read, the tears streamed down my face.
‘Alex, I need you here, I don’t know what else I can do, it’s been so long and I felt like the worst is still yet to come. I feel like I’m fighting a battle I’m already prepared to lose, you would dislike how much I’m making a huge deal out of this, I didn’t want you dying in that plane crash, if only I could of stopped it.’ I told her, I knew she was here, she was watching down on me, making sure I didn’t make some stupid decisions, because deep down I knew without it I’d fall straight back down not every turning back, she knew the amount of times I’ve come close to giving up, almost doing it because I couldn’t live without her. It’s like my feelings had been switched off, I didn’t know when they’d come back but I knew it would take the longest time to recover.
I stroked the gravestone, going over each letter, when I heard about her death her parents never agreed to let me go, I managed to get Kelsey to find out as much as she could and I turned up wearing her favourite clothes of hers and her key necklace hanging down my neck, her parents didn’t say anything to me, until I asked them to let me give a speech, more like a goodbye. I remembered most of it, but the hardest part which really pulled her mothers’ heart strings. Were the simple couple of lines, ‘letting you step onto that plane was possibly the hardest thing I ever had to do, I always wished I was the one on the plane not you, you never deserved it, I was the one who did, I’m sorry for ever letting you go.’
Her mother came up and hugged me crying, she whispered something in my ear that shocked me, I feel to the ground the second after she told me, I didn’t know what to say, I was shocked myself, I don’t think she ever meant for me to hear it but the words are now imprinted forever on my heart.
‘She’s proud of you’
I left the cemetery feeling like I’d finally been able to say goodbye to Alex, I knew she would want me to be happy and she would want me to carry on what I was doing. I knew wasn’t going to let myself go again, I was going to be stronger and happier. I had to start living the life that I wanted, that I needed. Because Alex was proud of me and I knew it.