Hold on for the Long Ride

Kelsey
23rd of May 2012
Last diary entry ever.
The little things I life started to remind me of her death, walking to get coffee, it would always make me think of my Alex going in, early in the morning and collecting her coffee before going and chilling in the studio for a few hours before Travis rescued her, the first time I went to the coffee shop she loved after her death I broke down, Alex didn’t deserve that, I know she didn’t want to leave, every time I wake up now I feel like I’m one step closer to her, one step closer to being able to hug her once more.
There was always that part of Alex that I felt like I never knew about, something she was hiding from me, I didn’t want to ask Travis about it, he was hurting enough as it was not being able to speak to her, I saw him crying one night and I didn’t know what to say or to do, Danny just sat with him, not saying a word, just being a shoulder to cry on. I left them, I didn’t see Danny for the next three days, and it was tough, wait that wasn’t the word. It was more than that; I’d resulted into doing things I didn’t think I’d ever do. I missed her, her advice and her help. Danny didn’t ask about the scars on my thighs or my burns on my ankle, he ignored it. I wanted every part of me to not do it but I had to, I was draw to being able to say goodbye to my pain for a few short moments before it had returned again.
One of my favourite memories that I had of me and Alex was the time we ditched the boys, said to our work we were ill and kicked back at the beach, just us two and a bottle of wine, we stayed there talking, not caring if we got caught or what we looked like. It was one of the best memories we had together, that night we hit a tattoo parlour and had an anchor tattooed on the inside of our left wrists, mine was pink hers was purple. We were pretty drunk at that point, and it was my first tattoo, so it killed me. looking back on it now I must have looked like such a baby crying with the pain, Alex just sat there laughing at me, since then I’ve had several tattoos, the only one I felt that horrible pain again was when I had the exact same tattoo as Alex behind my ear, the feather and the date of her birth and death, I think the reason I cried was because it meant so much to me and I know it meant a lot to Alex. It was her favourite tattoo.
Travis went and got a similar one done but without the feather, just her date of birth and death on his heart, since Alex’s death I think it was fair to say that hardly any of us spoke for a good two months, I didn’t want to be around Danny, I went and spent some time with my cousins in los Angeles, not wanting to mention why I was here, it was tough to talk about. I didn’t like it, after almost three years I barely spoke about it now. Ana moved back to the UK and carried on working for the clothing line with Alex’s friend. I was the only person she told, hunter was devastated when he was told, and he liked her.
The first time I was told about her death I thought somebody had lied to me that she’d chosen to say it so was it was easier for us to forget about her, I shouted at everyone, my mom, my dad, even Danny. I was angry, I didn’t like it. Danny got mad at me too, we fought a lot, almost every day for a week then I left, he didn’t know, he didn’t deserve to, he didn’t need me at that point, I just needed to get away from everyone, and that’s what I did. I sat inside for a few weeks and didn’t do anything, I just ignored all the phone calls, and I ignored all the emails. I ignored all the texts. I even ignored all the messages. Really what was the point of me living if there wasn’t a reason, I still don’t think I have any meaning, I stood for weeks at the point of suicide. I stood on bridges, I stood in front of medicine cabinets, I stood with knifes in my hands. I’d never lost someone this close to me before.
Looking back on the whole thing maybe I was stupid for doing what I did, but in reality it’s made me a stronger person, I knew that she would have wanted us to carry on our normal lives and that’s what I intend on doing, I’m not staying at home hiding from people like I used to. Danny asked me out the week I got back from L.A I was happier then, because I wanted to be with him I always have.
So I guess this is it diary, time for me to say goodbye, I didn’t want to stop writing in here but I just don’t have the time anymore. I’m happier now, and I know that I’ll see her again someday. The thought of that keeps me going.