Sucide Letters

I was peering through the window, counting the cars that went by, wondering what happened to everyone while I was away. I wish I could remember what it was like to feels like to wake up in
the morning not wanting to die, or to remember what it felt like to not hope that I wouldn't wake up once I fell asleep for the night. "What are you thinking?" The man in the car asked, staring
straight ahead. I knew he didn't care, unfortunately despite his attempt to make conversation I couldn't find my voice. The silence seeped into my head causing me to shiver, I didn't miss these
car rides. I glanced at him before staring back out the window, red cars became my main focus.

"I'm thinking about how I don't like red cars," I saw him wipe his shaky hands on his dark blue jeans nervously.

"How are you doing?" Dad's voice revealed that he truly meant the question, and he was asking because he felt obligated to.

"I'm fine." He shook his head sharply, "I'm alive," it wasn't a lie but he wasn't satisfied, "I'm alive on the outside, my heart is beating, my blood is pulsing. I don't feel alive, I don't feel anything at all to be truthful. But that's not really anything new." This answer caught him off guard, because his silence answered more than his words.

""It's all in your head Courtney." The way my name fell from his mouth made my skin crawl with anger. He didn't care, it was all an illusion again, like it always was. I began counting all the black cars, I think I want to get a black car. The same color as my heart, the color of my eyes at the moment where such a dark blue they might as well have been black. "I'm sorry for snapping." Dad's hand fell on my shoulder, I flinched.

"No, you are right." I pretended to agree without pulling my eyes from the window, the off-ramp was very welcomed as we pulled into town. I closed my eyes for the short drive home, I didn't
want to see if the town I had left behind for so long had changed. Before I realized it we were parked in the drive way, and dad had climbed out and slammed the door behind him. "Great job Courtney, piss him off before you are even home yet." I said out loud to myself, I stumbled from the truck and pulled my bag out of the bed. Something white caught my eye, Emily was standing in her front yard across the street. When she noticed me looking back at her, she waved in a very shy manner. I turned and stalked into the house, afraid to make any contact with the outside world. I walked down the plain white hallways, and up the steep steps. Down the narrow hall to the last door on the left. I stopped at the closed door to read the sign.

"Courtney's Room." I pushed the door wide open and held my breath, to my surprise everything was just how I had left it. Bed unmade, clothes piled in the closet. Letters covered my desk, laptop closed, iPod on the dock next to my bed. Where was my cell phone though? I threw my bag onto my bed and sat down. I let my face fall into my hands, and I rested them on my knees.

"Hey. Erin's mom called a couple times, she was really worried about you. Erin is okay...ish." My brother's voice chilled me to the bones and made my ears ring as memories flooded back.

"Thanks buba, do you have my phone?" I lifted my face to look at him, he glanced down the hallway then back at me and smiled before motioning me to follow him. I stood and obeyed, following him into his room.

"Of course I do, I figured it wasn't dad's right to go through your shit. I did use it to text my girlfriend though." I smiled and kissed his cheek.

"That's not a big deal," He pulled out his drawer and lifted a small box. Removed my phone and handed it to me, "Thank you Lewis." I turned my phone on, "Do you want to delete anything from here? I don't want to go through anything private." He took the phone gently from my hands and quickly deleted some stuff.

"I put a pin lock on here for you, I didn't want dad to find it." He informed me, quickly entering the number. He navigated to the settings screen and allowed me to change the password for myself.

"Thank you."

"All the messages and stuff that were for you I promise I didn't read. I'm sort of surprised Erin didn't call or text you? All the messages from her are from the week before you went away, when
you shut down. She really loves you. And all her texts and voice mails are still on your phone." My heart sank as he said her name, Erin. I sure as hell wasn't ready for that yet, wasn't ready to face that demon. Fear creeped into my heart and I didn't understand why, it really scared me.
"I know you don't want to, but I think you should call her sis." I glanced at my brother, flashed him a fake smile and slowly walked to my bedroom. I didn't look at my phone, didn't check my messages, didn't listen to my voice mails. I sank into the confines of my bed, burying my face in my hands as tears threatened to assault my eyes, trying to remember all the coping skills that I had learned during my time away. To my dismay they all were deep in my brain, in a section that I couldn't reach in my panic.

"Erin, I'm sorry." I whispered staring at my phone in complete distress. I don't want to look at my messages, so instead I decided to tidy up my room. When you have to keep your room spotless for as long as I did, you form depressingly horrid OCD. My clothes were spread across the floor, my things scattered all over my dress, desk and book case. "Ugh, this is..." I couldn't come up with any words as my emotions overwhelmed the thought process I was trying to achieve. I unloaded my bag and carefully organized my dresser drawers but type of shirt, and color. Then I pulled all my jeans off the hangers and put them in my bottom drawer, in order of type of jeans and then favorite to least favorite. I hung all my long sleeves and nice shirts, then cleared all the junk off the top of my dresser, throwing away useless items and putting away the things I decided were worth keeping. My floor was beginning to bother me, so I picked all the clothes up, dirty or clean and lugged them downstairs to the laundry room. "Dad? I'm going to run a load of laundry?" I called down the hallway into the living room, his TV show blaring loud enough that I am almost positive that he couldn't hear me. Shoving my clothes in the washing machine, I cranked the knobs and inserted laundry detergent, and softener before closing the big white machine, spinning on my heels I quickly returned back to my room before my dad decided a conversation was necessary. I picked up my throw rugs and shook them out, "How did I live like this?" I realized I was talking out loud, "I need to stop talking to myself." I shook my head, "Yo' Breck, will you get the broom for me please?" I listened for a reply, but only heard his door creak open and his footsteps retreat down the hall and then retreat back towards me. My door slowly opened to reveal my little brother holding a broom, face pale as ash.

"Here," he shoved the broom towards me. I asked what was wrong, he motioned towards his room. We logged onto his laptop and he got in to his email. He double clicked on a link, opening a picture that showed a girl's flat stomach, she was wearing shorts and a sports bra, arms covered in deep lacerations, same with her thighs. From the picture you can see the white fleshy part of her skin revealed by her cuts. I glanced at her chest, noticing a necklace. Gold heart with dark blue sapphires on one side, diamonds on the other. Instinctively I reached for the chain around my neck. "I knew that necklace looked familiar. Is that you?" Breck's voice broke. I looked at him, wide eyed like a deer in headlights.

"Who sent this to you?" I asked sharply, answering his question without actually answering it verbally.

"Collin."

"How the hell did Collin get this?" Tears stung my eyes, "who else got this?" He pushed the screen towards me to show all the email address that were connected, for a grand total of 32. "Shit." One contact caught my eye, Erin. The floor tilted up, threatening to smack me in the face as I gripped the edge of my desk. I had to do this, and I wasn't really sure how.

"I don't know, did you send it to anyone?" I shook my head violently, that was the night I almost let everything go, I glanced down at my sweatshirt covered arms and knew I wasn't wearing long
sleeves because of the weather even though it really was raining outside.

"Has anyone been over since I left?"

"Brylee. And Tori. But that's it and I really don't see Tori sending it." I know that Breck's girlfriend wasn't the culprit. She didn't even posses a mean bone in her body, plus she had no reason to hate me on such an overly extreme level. Although that leaves Brylee and I can't see my best friend doing something on this large of a scale to hurt me. She is mad at me as it is, but I still can't picture her doing something like this. "Brylee was using your laptop. I didn't really think anything of it, until now that is. She's used it before when you were gone for the weekend and stuff." His voice grew cold, as something flashed in his eyes.

"What is it bro?"

"Brylee did bring someone over one day, her name was.." His voice trailed off as he struggled with his mind's eye to remember the girls name. "Cady, Cady Rivers." My eyes narrowed, Cady was in my room? Using MY laptop, what the hell?! "You know her?" His voice soft.

"She's the girl that almost ruined Erin and I because she is jealous of the fact that Kayla and I are..or were such great friends and she's like in love with Kayla." I turned and stormed into my
room, slamming the door hard behind me. I flinched when I remember that dad was downstairs and I prayed it hadn't woken him from some deeply disturbing sleep, or an alcohol induced coma. I laid back on my bed and stared at my ceiling, the sun was setting when I glanced out the window so I climbed on the roof to see if I could catch sight of some stars. The sun set quickly, the stars taking it's place in the thick navy blue skies, a shooting star shot by. I winced in pain as a memory twisted it's way to the front of my thoughts, closing my eyes I didn't try to fight it.