Sucide Letters

Seattle is a lot different than New Jersey, the rain was pleasant and welcomed. Fear gripped my stomach as I realized what I was about to do, Kayla, Trey and Jare walked close ahead of me as I put my headphones in, watching carefully for their next move. I saw a tan, dark haired woman smile a slow sad smile as Kayla approached, I knew that smile. Erin had the exact same one, though her eyes were different color the sadness there matched too, a soul shattering sadness. The man next to her was tall, and tan compared to the people around him, although not close to as dark as Erin's mom. He had deep blue eyes, which complimented her own amber eyes perfectly he smiled a sweet smile as he greeted Jare and Trey. Sadness gripped me tightly as I pushed a stray hair behind my ear and removed my headphones. "Courtney?" The woman's voice was broken as she ushered my name, I nodded softly.

"Oh shoot, sorry." Kayla mumbled, "Courtney, this is Erin's mom Deanne. Mom this is Courtney." I weak smile crossed her face, "yes this is THE Courtney." Erin's mom reached out and hugged me.

"Thank you for everything."

"No, please don't thank me. Thank you for being such an amazing woman, and thank you for allowing me to fly out and stay with you." She released me from her grip, stepped back, shock written on her face as tears fell down her cheeks. She smiled softly and Kayla interrupted.

"I'm freaking starving! Food time?" The man Erin called dad laughed and asked what we wanted.

"Courtney you don't eat meat huh?" He asked considerately.

"No sir, I don't eat most meats." I smiled politely, and followed to the car, quietly observing the way Erin's family and friends all reacted to each other. One big family, we ate dinner with
few questions asked mostly talking about their move to Jersey and about plans for the visit at home. On the way back to the small town of Elma we exchanged funny and embarrassing life
experiences. We pulled off the freeway onto a road that led to a four-way stop, turned right and went just down the road, drove passed a few houses and pulled onto a gravel driveway, which
revealed a house that looked like a wooden lake house, Erin was everywhere I looked. So many phone calls and pictures of her in this place, I had to stop looking around. I took my things inside.

"You can sleep in Erin's room if you would like," Deanne's eyes grew sad with memories, when my jaw dropped she smiled sweetly. "Darling you don't have to." I responded that I wasn't ready and then she showed me to the guest room, everyone went to bed and I crept down the hall into Erin's room closing the door before turning on the light. Posters of her favorite bands and athletes covered her walls. Pictures in frames covered all her open surfaces, mostly pictures of people I didn't know. I noticed one of her that I had seen before, her and her friend Megan from her freshman year. Then there was one that caught me off guard, the picture from my room was framed in a dark wooden frame, next to her bed.

"Hey Courtney, I heard you were in town." I jumped fumbling not to drop the frame in hand as I reeled around to see who the voice was from. Tennessee's eyes were a cold blue as she watched my clumsy moment and stared me down. "Why did you have to let her go? I don't understand. She did everything she could to try and stay strong and alive for you." Her voice cracked, "See that poster above her headboard?" I looked at it, beautiful handwriting. "I held on long enough to fall in love," She paused. "She held on long enough to fall in love with you, then she couldn't kill herself, that entire year you were here, you saved her from killing herself." My stomach knotted up. "It's dangerous when you take away someone's lifeline Courtney. It kills them. She was a ghost of my best friend, then she decided she didn't want to keep living without you. So she took a bottle of pills, swallowed almost a gallon of bleach and then slit her wrists. One way wasn't enough, she had to get the job done. I didn't even see it coming. She was really happy that day." She paused to compose herself, anger rising in her eyes. She knew what I knew, I left Erin for dead. "It was Erin and I, watching movies and just hanging out. She went to the bathroom, the one just down the hall and disappeared for a long time, I went to check on her, and found blood all over, and she was gone." Her eyes narrowed as she glanced into mine.I can't believe you would leave her like that, I can't believe you would just let her die like that." Her words bit down hard into my heart.

"That wasn't my intention Tennessee." I couldn't breath as her words caught in my head and echoed.

"Courtney, she could still be here if you hadn't just bailed on her."

"I know, I know. It's my fault if I had just stayed here and not been selfish Erin wouldn't be six feet under." As I said the words I realized that they were true, the words I had been avoiding
for so long were really true. I killed Erin.

"You killed Erin. It's your fault." She echoed my silent thoughts as I walked out of Erin's room, the sun was up. I must of been spaced out longer than I thought before Tennessee had arrived. I
needed coffee and bad, I could tell you where each and every thing in this house was due to the fact that Erin narrated her life when she was on the phone with me. I had to reach back in my
memory to remember where the filters were. "I'm talking to you!" Tennessee snapped at me. I remained silent as I prepared the coffee pot and began the brewing process. Tennessee gripped my arm, hard and controlling and I spun around quickly to face her.

"Get your hand off of me." I said trying not to show the anger that was burning in my gut. Her hand wrapped around my arm tighter and I stepped closer to her face. Inches away, "I suggest you let go of my arm Tennessee, I'm not here to cause drama or start fights. I came to visit Erin's family and do some last requests that Erin had asked of me."

"What are you going to do about it? I don't want you in my best friend's house, with her family. They will get attached just like she did and you will do the exact same thing to them that you
managed to do to her. I'm not going to let it happen." My hands shot up and snagged the collar of her shirt, I shoved her hard into the sink and stood close.

"Shut up." I growled from deep within my chest, anger and fear rising quickly.

"You killed her." Her voice was almost a whisper, before I spun her around and slammed her to the ground. Quickly I pressed my knee into her chest.

"I know okay?" Tears streamed down my face, "I know it's all my fault. I don't need you reminding me. This is a guilt that will never let me go! A pain you could never begin to comprehend."