Goodbye Graceful

Ronnie stared at the photo album in his lap. A faint smile played on his lips as he flipped through the many pages of Isabelle Radke, his baby girl. Her eyes were bright blue, her short blonde hair in cute pig tails. Her mother always dressed her in cute pink clothes, always said that her baby couldn't be less than best dressed. She was always smiling, always bubbly and curious. Most of all, she loved him unconditionally - and that was something he had never known to exist before she came into his life.

He shut the album quickly, fingers gripping onto the edges of the soft cover. He closed his eyes, letting the memories of her flood his mind: the way she always stared at him, the way she couldn't fall asleep without him singing to her, the way she cried whenever he had to leave... His angel, his baby, his everything.

"Ronnie," Dereq entered the living room hesitantly, with a weary expression, "You still want to go to Monte's birthday party?"

Ronnie loosened his grip on the album, feeling the heaviness escape him, not entirely, but enough for him to respond.

"Oh... Yeah, just let me--"

"Bro, if you aren't up for this, we don't have to go. Monte will understand."

Ronnie knew that everyone would understand. He knew that he could just as easily lock himself his room like he had for the past few months. Hell, he could even off himself and everyone would STILL understand. But just as ready as he was to fall off the face of the planet, he wasn’t really ready to see Isabella as the person he was. He had things he needed to accomplish for her, so that she could have the dad she deserved.
“No, I’m alright. I just need to grab my shoes.

The car ride to Monte’s was silent between the both of them. Some German rock band filled the silence with their angst, and as meaningful as he imagined their songs, he couldn’t pretend to focus. Instead, his eyes watched the empty streets, and city lights in the distance.

”Hurry the fuck up!” Ronnie shouted, struggling to put his seat belt on. His heart was racing, he couldn’t breathe, and he was fairly sure he broke his foot with as many times as he jabbed it into corners as he rushed out of the house. Yet, none of that seemed to matter.

“Can you fucking believe this is happening right now, Radke?” Dereq yelled, speeding through the neighborhood, grinning like a maniac. “You’re going to be a fucking dad!”

He smiled to himself, looking at the city lights up ahead. One of those beaming lights was the hospital, so far, yet so close. He couldn’t believe that he was mere moments away from fatherhood and his new life. He was too giddy for words. No one could possible understand how amazing it felt.

“I heard Lindsey is going to be here tonight…” Dereq muttered as they approached the house.

Ronnie stared at the blonde with a black expression. Lindsey? He hadn’t seen her in months. The thought of having to see her terrified him. He knew that if he had to face her, he would have to face Isabelle too.

He spent most of the night hiding in the corner on a leather couch. He was avoiding everyone’s sad expressions, and especially avoiding Lindsey, It was for the better, because she probably didn’t want to see him either. Not that he would know what to say if she did want to talk to him. He wouldn’t be able to look her in the eye without seeing Isabelle, without being reminded of the love and new life that he had lost in such a short amount of time. He started to feel so tense, and that images of his baby girl hurting probed his mind until he felt he had no choice but to drown them out.

“Ronnie?”

He looked up from the bottle in his hands, surprised to see Lindsey standing before him. She feigned a smile, remnants of who she was evident, but just as he saw in himself; he could see how the misery took its toll. It wasn’t that he didn’t expect her to be back to normal, either, but he hated to see her beautiful smile fading.

“H-hey,” he stood up wobbling, but somehow maintaining most of his balance, “It’s been a while.”

She nodded, “Yeah… how have things been?”

Whatever he could have said, she would have known. She was in the same exact boat as him. His lack of words made that point clear. So instead, they stared at one another, seeing how time had changed them both. He couldn’t keep himself from imagining her holding his baby, with the glow and happiness she always had about her. He remembered how lucky he felt to have the two most beautiful girls, and how blessed he had been. He always wondered what he had done to attain such peace… but now he knew it was all some sick joke god was playing on him, giving him the world and snatching it back just as quick.

”Hello?” he answered the phone quizzically, glancing at the clock on the wall. Lindsey never called him at this time of day, now while he was at work. He couldn’t push past the thought of something horrible happening, especially since Isabelle woke up with a fever.
“You won’t believe what just happened!” Lindsey screamed.

Ronnie laughed, sensing there was no real danger, “I don’t know, so why don’t you te-“
“Da-dee.”

He was frozen, his phone almost slipping from his fingers as a goofy smile spread across his lips.

“Isabelle, baby.” He continued to coo to his daughter, as she said ‘da-dee’ over and over again with Lindsey cracking up in the background. He felt so proud of his angel, and he couldn’t wait to get home and squish her.

“I hate you, she hasn’t even tried to say mommy, yet!” Lindsey joked.