Goodbye Graceful

"I've been working a lot. I guess I have been trying to do something with myself other than nothing."

Some time had passed, while Ronnie and Lindsey sat on Monte's front porch, talking about everything they had never said to one another since everything became a huge mess. Their hands had found one another, fingers laced together tightly as if they were holding onto one another for dear life. And for Ronnie that might have very well been the case. Being so close to her gave him a sense of comfort than alcohol or anything ever did. With her right next to him, he didn't feel so alone. And maybe he didn't have his entire puzzle put back together, but that was enough for him.

"I miss her so much," he began, "I need her in my life again. It isn't right that she can't be... Here. She deserves to be alive more than I do."

Lindsey squeezed his hand, "I know, Ronnie. I would give anything to have her back too."

It was thoughts like these that made him wonder if he was being selfish. It maybe, it wasn't her time. Maybe Isabelle was too sick to live happily and god was doing her a favor. It didn't make appreciate god anymore, or make him feel any better... He still wanted his baby back. She deserved the best childhood, and a chance to become a happy adult. The fact that she never had a chance... That was what made him so angry.

"I'm sorry for you..." she said, side-glancing him, "But I couldn't handle it... Being in that house, seeing you and being surrounded by those memories."

"I understand..."

He couldn't stand being there anymore either. It was why he chose to pack up and left too. After Lindsey left, he lost all hope and moved back in with Dereq. He never blamed her for leaving, because he knew there wasn't anything he could do to make her feel better. He loved her so much, but love wasn't enough for either of them.

"What do you do when you're in this position? You can't just say, 'I'll get better' because it won’t happen. Who the fuck do you get mad at? How do you escape this shit? Because I can't fucking imagine this life without her."

Lindsey didn't need to respond. She already knew that he just needed to rant and get all of his bottled up feelings out. He had kept them to himself for long, and now that she was near, and understand - he needed her understanding silence.

Ronnie bounced Isabelle on his knee as he sipped his coffee, and read through a magazine.

"I'm not letting you dress my baby. Every time I let you dress her, you both walk out of this house in your pajamas."

Ronnie looked to Lindsey, smiling, "Hey, that was only twice. Besides we were going to the store, we didn't need to dress up." he looked down to Isabelle, "Right, babe?"

Isabelle just smiled and pointed to mother, gesturing for something. Lindsey looked to her side, and saw a fresh bottle prepared and waiting. "Awh, here you go." she handed the bottle to Isabelle who immediately began to enjoy her milk.

Ronnie took a gulp of his coffee and caught Lindsey staring at him with a huge smile, "Oh my god, I've got to show you this!" she quickly left the kitchen.

"Uh-oh." Ronnie said, glancing at Isabelle. She had her eyes closed as she drank, and ignored him. "You're so damn cute."

"I hope you are not teaching my angel curse word, Ronnie." Lindsey quipped as she entered the kitchen holding a small pink photo album. She plopped it on the table, flipping through a few pages. Ronnie stared in amazement. Had they really taken so many photos of her already? He chuckled to himself.

Finally, Lindsey left the album open, "Look." but no matter how much he stared, he didn't see anything eye-catching. He raised a brow and winced a bit, still trying.

"Look at Isabelle." she pointed to one of the photos.

Ronnie looked at it carefully, before examining the next. And suddenly, it hit him. He saw what was so... Interesting. It made him grin, and squeal a little. In every single photo, no matter who was holding Isabelle, she always had her attention set on him.
"My baby is a daddy's girl!" he sang, and kissed Isabelle on the cheek. "She loves her daddy!"

Lindsey laughed, "Yeah, yeah, but mommy is number 1!"

"I'll see you around..." she said.

Ronnie hugged her tightly, kissing her briefly. He felt unwilling of letting her go. She must have felt the same, because they hugged for quite a while. He missed her too much to just let her go, never knowing when they'd see each other, or when they would speak next.

"Will you come home?"

Lindsey seemed taken by surprise, "What?"

"I love you; I always have and always will. I want you to be in my life.... I need you."

"Home... Like start life together again?"

He nodded, "Yes."

Lindsey smiled, nodding and hugging him, "I didn't think you would want to ever be with me again. Not after I left you when things were at their worst."

He hugged her back, and told her he would never turn her away. He understood everything. It didn't matter if people couldn't see past her leaving him; he knew that she never gave up on loving him. She just needed to escape, the same way he did. They kissed.

He exhaled, watching a stream of smoke leaving his mouth. He kicked his legs up, his feet landing on the porch rail. He eyes his dirtied boots with the broken straps. He moved his around, pushing the loose flaps up to reveal his red socks.

"Fuck." he said under his breath, before he brought his cigarette to his lips.

The morning was chilly as fog rolled into the streets, and the sun barely peeked through the clouds. He shivered, and pulled the zipper of his hoodie up more. He glanced to his left hand, and saw how bare his fingers felt once he removed his engagement ring. It wasn't that he wanted to, but at that point in time, he couldn't go through with marrying Lindsey -- not when she didn't want anything to do with him.

He believed that she blamed him for Isabelle dying. As if he had complete control over such fate. She knew just as well that he did everything in his power to keep his baby girl on earth and healthy. That was his only priority... But Lindsey ignored him, and acted as if he didn't exist. It didn't take long for her to take off her ring. She left it in his stuff, without an explanation or anything. He still kept his on for the following weeks, hoping that somehow they would find each other again through everything. But as each day passed, it become clearer that they couldn't.

He sighed as he watched the streets. A familiar car pulled up in front of the house: Lindsey's mom. He stood as she got out of the car. He gave her a nod of acknowledgement and said morning. She didn't respond, but gave a small wave. He put his cigarette out in the ash tray, and began to make his way inside.

"Hey, you’re mom is-" he said as he pushed the door open, only to pause at the sight in front of him.

Lindsey was standing there with several fully-packed bags. "I'm going home." she said bluntly, pulling one of the bags' straps over her shoulder.

He opened his mouth speak, to beg for her to stay. But he couldn't... He understood why she had to leave. For the same exact damn reason he had to. He wanted to stop her, but she had no reason to stay. Isabelle was gone, and their new life was over. They couldn't be there for each other, or even help themselves.

"Bye, Ronnie." she said, passing by him quickly.

When Ronnie kissed her, he felt the spark that he missed. For a second, he believed that he could smile and honestly mean it. He wondered if she felt the same emotion coursing through her veins... If she even needed him too.

"Why are you smiling like that?" she asked.

He raised a brow. He was smiling? "I-i guess... I miss you more than I could imagine."

She hugged him, "I missed you too."

For a long while they stood kissing, and smiling, and enjoying each others company. It seemed that the longer they stood, the more their misery began to emerge. The smiles began to fade, the kisses weakened. Until finally... They felt so empty and alone again.
Perfection felt so close, yet so far away. Both knew that pure peace and bliss could not be found solely within one another. Isabelle was missing. There was no denying that they each felt the heaviness of her loss more than ever.

"I have to get going." Lindsey said, stepping away from him, "I'll see you... Later."

That night, 'later' sounded a lot like never. It sounded as if she wasn't so sure she would ever see him again. Maybe that was so. Honestly, how could they ever get over the loss of Isabelle? They couldn't. How could they face one another every day with that stabbing reminder of how imperfect things would always be?

He watched her disappear into a crowd of people huddled outside, smoking and laughing, and leaving as well. He backed up, hoping to catch one more glimpse of her, hoping that maybe she would come back to him... And turn that later into something believable.

"Ronnie, watch the fuck out!" there was a blood curdling scream.

Ronnie winced as he approached the light, with a hand hovering in front of his face. He glanced around wearily, unsure of where he was or how he had gotten there.

"Hello?" he called out, feeling nervous the closer he came to the light. Its warmth was radiating, almost burning every bit of flesh it touched.

"You shouldn't be here."

He lowered his hand just enough to peek over it. There was the source of light; a young girl. Her eyes were as blue as crystal, void, but beautiful.

"You shouldn't be here." she repeated sternly, her brows furrowed, and her eyes darkening.

"What's going on?"

She seemed surprised at his response, but held her expression, "You don't know?"

He shook his head, and dropped his hand. Suddenly her light didn't seem all that bright. He could really see her now, and how much younger she looked than she sounded. He couldn't stop staring at her, couldn't help but try and pin-point where he had seen her before. "Who are you?"

She scoffed, her shoulders dropping, "You already forgot about me..." she made eye contact with him, her eyes piercing, "daddy."

In that moment, he felt as if he had been punched so hard in the chest, that he would go flying backwards. All breath escaped him, and he curled forward. It couldn't be... It couldn't be happening. He knew that it was insane, that he must have been dreaming. Physically, he had to be blacked out somewhere at Monte's house... It wasn't real.

"You're mad at me..." her head hung low, and her hands clasped together, "I'm sorry, daddy, for leaving you and mommy. I tried to stay with you. Don't be mad."

"This isn't fucking funny." he yelled, backing away from her, "Don't fucking pretend to be her, don't play this sick fucking joke with me."

She looked to him with tears in her eyes, "Daddy, please don't leave mommy alone."

"Stop with this shit. Just fucking go away." her shut his eyes tightly, and covered them, begging himself to wake up and leave the hell he found.
"Why don't you believe me?"

"Why?" he yelled, "Because Isabelle is gone. And you are some twisted vision. Leave me the fuck alone."

She frowned, "Sorry..." she began to step away, muttering beneath her breath.

He watched, feeling coldness wrap around him. He straightened up from the sensation, and glanced around as the walls began to crash around him. "What the fuck is going on..."

"You hafta go." she said, grabbing his arm, "You can't be here, daddy." She locked eyes with him, her icy blues now mixed with green. She stared at him, an air of urgency about her, as she pulled his arm slightly.

It was her.

He could see all of her within her bright eyes. He could see his angel. "Isabelle..." he whispered, falling to his knees. “It’s you..."

He didn't know how or why, but he knew that girl standing before him was his baby girl - this was the young girl she would have grown to be. He couldn't believe it.

"Daddy, you hafta go." she said, "please." she started to cry, but he pulled her into a hug, holding her tightly. She felt so fragile in his arm... He pulled away, looking at her face. Tears threaten to fall as he watched her.

"Mommy... You hafta to go home to her. So she won’t be alone."

He shook his head; he wasn't going to be separated from his angel again. He finally had her back; it wasn't going to leave her. Even when he would wake up from the dream, he would fight it every little bit - just to stay with her.

"I'm not going anywhere, Isabelle."

"You don't know, daddy. You can't stay here."

He hugged her again, kissing her forehead, "I'm not going anywhere. Mommy would understand. She would stay too." Isabelle was in awe, never seeming to blink or move. With that loving look she gave him, he had no doubt in his mind that this was his angel, and that he was doing the right thing.

He stood, and took her small hand in his. "I'm never leaving your side again."