I Had Everything.

I sat on his couch cross legged staring at him as he searched through his DVD collection. He bit his bottom lip trying to find the perfect movie for us to watch.

“You know I’m not picky, I’ll watch anything.” I said trying to make him hurry up.

“I know, but I don’t want to watch a dumb movie.” He said sighed.

“Why do you own dumb movies?” I asked laughing.

“Because I just do.” He said standing up holding 10 Things I Hate About You.

“Good choice.” I smiled as he put the DVD into the DVD player.

“I thought you’d like it.”

A single slit to the wrist and it would all be over with. I would never have to deal with the feeling that I let people down again. I bit the inside on my cheek staring down at razor that I held in my right hand. It wouldn’t be the first time I cut myself. I probably wouldn’t be the last, unless I cut where I knew I wouldn’t live.

I sat on my bathroom floor cross legged. I was breathing steadily trying to figure out what to do.

I dropped the razor on the floor and ran my index finger over one of the several scars that lined my forearm.

There was a time when I was able to stop this. I felt okay again. I felt like my existence meant something to someone. His name was John, John O’Callaghan to be exact. I felt like he was truly the one who understood me. He was always the only person that knew about this secret of mine. I never expect him to leave me broken.

Just thinking back to my relationship with John I started to feel angry.

I walked across the grass at the park that was around the corner from my house. I saw John waiting on the swings. He told me we needed to talk but I had no clue about what he wanted to talk about.

“Hey.” I said sitting down on the swing next to the one he was sitting on.

“Hi.” He said looking down at the ground. I could tell at that moment something was wrong. He couldn’t even look at me. I started to feel knots forming in my stomach as I grew more nervous.

“John what did you want to talk about?” I asked looking at the side of his face as he continued to look at the ground.

“Kate.” He said running his fingers through his shaggy hair. “I don’t know how to say this.” He bit his bottom lip still not looking at me.
“John say what ever you have to say because you’re scaring me.” I said staring at him hoping he would finally look at me.

“I’m at a loss for words Kate I don’t know what to say.” He said looking up at the sky.

I already had a feeling what he was going to say, but that didn’t make me feel much better. In all honesty it made me feel worse.

“I don’t know what to say either.” I said as I felt tears starting to well up in my eyes.”

“My parents think it’s best if we’re not together anymore.” He said looking back at the ground.

“What?” I was all I could think to say.

“We can’t be together anymore.”

“You’re the biggest coward if you’re going to break up with me just because your parents told you to.” I seethed.

“They told me I could do better.” He said add salt to the open wounds he just made.

“So I’m not good enough for you?” I said getting off the swing.

“I guess not.” He said closing his eyes.

“This is fucking bullshit. I opened up to you, let you into my life. I told you things I never told anyone, all for you just to leave.” I said as tears streamed down my face.

“It’s not like that.” He said shaking his head.

“Then explain to me what it’s like, because from where I’m standing you just looks like a coward who can’t say no to mommy and daddy.” I said as I started to sob.

“Kate sorry.” He said finally looking into my blue eyes. The first thing I saw when I looked into his eyes was sorrow and pain, and then I saw tears starting to spill from his green eyes.

“You’re not sorry.” I said fighting to catch my breath.

“I really am.” He said getting off the swing and walking towards. I cringed as he graced his fingers a crossed my left forearm.

“Don’t touch me.” I said pulling away from him.
“Kate.”

“Don’t say my name and don’t ever touch me again.” I said turning on my heels to walk away from him.

“Kate be strong and don’t do anything stupid.” Were the last words I heard him say to me that day.

I stood up and looked in the mirror. I put my head in my hands before running my fingers through my hair. I could of swore I heard John say “Kate be strong and don’t do anything stupid”. I shook my head trying to shake his voice from my head.

I sat down on the ground and picked the cool razorblade up again. I tugged my cotton shorts pant leg up revealing my upper thigh. I closed my eyes and bit my bottom lip as I ran the sharp blade a crossed my pale skin. I clenched my teeth together as I felt the pain tears start to seep through my closed eyes. I opened my eyes to see the blood sliding down my thigh.

I felt sick to my stomach at the thought that I let a guy let me sink this low again. I felt disgusted that I wasn’t strong enough to stop.