Cross My Heart

I knew it was coming, so why didn’t I see it coming? Why didn’t I ever get a chance to say good bye? Was God a bastard? Or was he punishing me for the things I’d done that night? My drunk, high mind decided God’s a bastard and spit in God’s eye.
“Get out of my room.” I growled at Adam. “Now.”
“What?” He was confused, he looked down at me with eyes that could break someone’s heart.
“GET OUT!” I screamed and pushed Adam out of my room. Slamming the door in his face and fumbling with the stupid lock I never used. Or good measure, I took my spinny chair and propped it under the door handle like I’d seen done in movies.
I couldn’t go any farther. I collapsed to the floor and started crying. With Lisa gone, I had maybe two more weeks left before they took me out of this family and stuck me back in foster care. I’d lose Josh, I’d lose Shaun. Even though they weren’t my best friends I’d still miss Matt and Brett and Andrew and even bitchy Amanda.
I needed a smoke. I crawled under my bed and laid underneath it, searching for the cigarette I had thrown under it.
When I found it, I switched to the top of my bed. Searching the pockets of Josh’s sweater I still wore, I found a pack of battered matches.
I lay in my bed, not even caring that my room was filling with smoke and the scent of tobacco. Let Adam find out, like he’d be able to say much. He wouldn’t be my legal guardian soon.
I twisted the ring Josh had given me around my finger. It fit perfectly. I spun it off and examined it. It was simple, a silver band with a few diamonds on it. Still, it made me smile. I noticed something engraved on the inside. Forever and ever and ever. I smiled even wider. Josh had his moments.
And then, tears started falling again. I was going to lose this boy soon. Probably never see him again.
That was the terrible moment when I realized I wasn’t high anymore. Or even drunk for that matter. All the sobering things that had just happened brought me crashing back down to earth.
I decided I needed to see Josh. For two reasons, one, I needed to break up with him. And two, I was smoking the filter of this cigarette and it tasted terrible.
I crawled out my window, throwing the butt into the dirt. “Phoenix, what’s wrong?” Josh was still lying on the grass just feet away from my window.
I collapsed on the ground beside him. Looking down at his perfect face I cracked a small smile and started petting his hair. “I love you Josh.” I told him. “So much…”
Josh sat up, sensing something was really wrong.
“Lisa…she’s gone…which means…”
“You’re gone.” Josh finished for me, obviously not feeling the effects of our past intoxications either. I nodded my response, looking down at the ground. We sat like that for at least half an hour, filled with our own thoughts. Alone in the dark on the small patch of grass by my window.
Finally, Josh broke the silence. “I have questions.” He stated. Clear and simple.
“Smoke, then continue.” I held out my hand. Josh placed a cigarette and lighter in my hand before his first question.
“How long?”
I shrugged. Lighting my smoke I mumbled. “One day to three weeks usually.”
“Okay…and what about us? What’s your plan there?”
“Break up.” I tried to say it nonchalantly, but my voice cracked.
“No…no, Phoenix…”
“Yes, Josh!” I stood up abruptly. I hated crying in front of people and there were already tears on my cheeks. “This is why I don’t get attached to people! I just get hurt!” I was full out sobbing now. “This is all your fucking fault, Josh! Leaving this place could be so easy for me! But no, you had to shove your face in my business and fuck up my system.
“I have a reason behind every little thing I do, and because of you those reasons became irrelevant and now they’re laughing at me. That’s my destiny, Josh. To be alone. Why couldn’t you just let me?”
Josh stood up and wrapped his arms around my waist. I tried to push him away but there was no point. Even if Josh was a scrawny drug addict, he was still 6”2, and I was still 5”0.
“I couldn’t leave you alone because I can see through you like cellophane. When I saw you on your first day I saw a scared little girl, all alone in the world underneath her mask. I could see you needed a friend. No one can handle life alone and you need to stop pretending you can.”
“I love you…so much.” I clung to Josh’s shirt, never wanting to let go. I buried my face in his chest, crying harder than I ever had before. Harder than why my mom and brother died.
For some reason, this felt like it would hurt less it Josh was dead. I would know I could never see him again…rather than knowing he would still walk this world and I won’t be at his side.
“Then don’t leave.” I could hear an idea in Josh’s voice. “Run away with me.” He held me at arm’s length, a huge smile on his face. “We’ll go to the Okanagan somewhere. Yeah, it’ll be tough at first but we can both get jobs and then I can join a band and-“
“Josh.” I cut him off. My voice barely a whisper. “It’s over.” And with that, I kissed him one more time on the check, and disappeared back into my window.