Status: In progress. Updates when I get the chance.
Cross My Heart
Notes
I hip checked open the door with expertise as I brought out the last of my few boxes. Today was the day I moved.
It was the biggest move I’d ever done. Which made sense, since I’d lived here in Vancouver longer than anywhere else. Just over 8 months.
I was moving in with a family in Calgary. They already had two completely adopted kids, I was moving in on a trial basis to see how I got along with them. At the end of the month, some prissy person from the adoption agency would come, interview all three of us and the parents, turn the house upside down looking for drugs or any sign of anything, then leave no matter what we thought.
Speaking of drugs, even though I had broken up with Josh three weeks ago he still proved useful. The morning after the break up I woke up to see something on my window sill.
A paper bag, inside was a pack of smokes, one of the bags Josh took off of Mark, a lighter, and a note.
After lighting up a cigarette I carefully unfolded the note.
‘Keep the ring. Please.’
I nearly started crying at the sight of Josh’s familiar hand writing.
Every three days when I woke up from that day forth, there would be a similar bag on my window sill. With different notes. 6 deliveries, 6 different notes.
Delivery 2 – ‘I’m sorry I was stupid enough to drag you down with me.’
Delivery 3 – ‘I think some part of me hopes your just selling all of this for college fund or something. All the while laughing at your stupid drug addict ex paving your way to glory.’
Delivery 4 – ‘You beautiful when you sleep, did I ever tell you that?’
Delivery 5 – ‘Ramsay’s Fiction is falling apart, just thought I’d mention.’
Each and every note made me want to go screaming over to Josh house and beg him to forgive me.
But no, here I was, standing on the side walk with my new ‘dad’ as Adam helped us load boxes. I knew there were tears sliding down my face but I didn’t care this time.
I never made an effort to say by to Shaun. I ran into Matt yesterday at Starbucks and sort of had to. Brett, Andrew and Amanda were forgotten and would probably forget me soon to.
Josh. Josh was the one on my mind right now. What would happen to him with me gone? What would happen to me? Would either of us ever regain sanity?
What hurt the most was not saying goodbye. Other than the night of the break up, I never talked to Josh. (The notes don’t count).
Adam tapped my shoulder, waking me from my thoughts. “Phoenix.” He said to me, almost crying to. “I know you to broke up – I’m not stupid – but Josh has been standing on his front deck for twenty minutes watching us. Go say bye.”
I finally let myself look over to Josh’s house. I had put up mental blinders to it all morning, afraid I’d break down.
And I did. The second I saw Josh standing there, his hair in his face, scuffling his feet around, I ran.
I jumped into his arms. He seems surprised, but who could blame him. I was crying, I didn’t care. “I’m going to miss you so much.” I cried.
“I’m gonna miss you to, Phoenix.” He said, sounding like he was crying to.
I took a step back to look at him. When I ran over here, I noticed something different but didn’t bother paying attention.
He had dyed his hair. Pitch black. I had to admit, it was a nice change. A sexy change…better than the surfer dirty blond colour the suited him just the same. This more suited the new Josh.
“You dyed your hair.” I said, feeling like an idiot pointing out the obvious.”
“Ya…you like it?” He asked. The look on his face said my approval was everything.
“I love it.” Swallowing my pride, I kissed him. “I love you, I’ll always love you.” I said between kisses.
“I love you more.” Josh teased me. I would miss him. So, so much. I didn’t even want to think about how much I would miss him. I wanted to be right here, right now, forever. “Please don’t sell that ring.” Josh held me at arm’s length.
“I promise I won’t.” My words were cut off by a honk from my new ‘dad’ I sighed. “And you promise me three things.” I told Josh sternly, knowing I had to leave way to soon.
“One, take care of Adam.”
“Done.”
“Two, take care of yourself.”
“I’ll do my best.”
“And three, ‘Girls for nothing, money for free’.” I quoted Matt on something he would always say about his future.
Josh laughed at my third request. “’Just you wait.’” He finished the quote.
“I love you.” With that, I ran off back to the car.
“So was that your boyfriend?” After at least twenty minutes of awkward silence my ‘dad’ spoke.
“Ex.” I had a speak-when-spoken-to kind of attitude toward this guy and any family that waited for me. The Jacobson’s. I still wasn’t changing my last name. Even if they adopted me. I never took Adam and Lisa’s last name. It wasn’t really like I liked the name Hanson – actually I hated it, it made me think of Rick Hanson and slow people asked if I was related to him. I was just never going to change my name to suit some adoptive parents. Now I was certain, the only change in name I would never have would be from Hanson to Ramsay.
“Seemed like you two were still together back there.” Mr. Jacobson whatever said.
“It was goodbye. I’m being ripped away from someone I love and a place I love, I’m entitled to say goodbye.” I said it with as much venom as I could possibly deliver.
The awkward silence I induced only hung for about three minutes. He talked about the family I was moving in with; he asked me questions about absolutely everything imaginable. My grades disappointed him, his expectation of perfect disappointed me.
It took a long time to drive out to Calgary, but we made it there by the time the sun when down. We pulled up to a fairly average size house. The exterior was painted a blank white colour, the driveway was cracked, and the gutters looked like they needed to be cleaned.
The second I stepped out I missed Vancouver. It was like suddenly, an elephant was sitting on my chest. I was used to this, I had sinus problems and the closer I was the sea level the more they disappeared. And these bastards dragged me away from my precious ocean.
I packed my own stuff into my room – which was in the attic. I hated it. It was the exact opposite from my perfect basement room back home. There, I felt like my room was private. No one saw me, no one heard me, and I was alone. Up here, the second my foot hit the floor, the boards would creak and it was heard throughout the house.
I was getting out of here. I had been devising a plan for quite a while now, actually. The whole drive over here. I had a lot of heroin I simply brought up here from Vancouver, but I would need more soon. I was hooked on the stuff and hadn’t been clean in days.
I had half a pack of smokes left to.
My plan? Tonight after dinner I would say I wanted to ‘take a walk’ ‘get used to the area.’ And I would insist on going alone. I would walk every back ally in this town until I found someone who looked like they could hook me up. They would be my new best friend in this town.
And as soon as I had a chance, I’d leave the house. To live in a box, or live in a mansion with a drug dealer. I really didn’t give a flying fuck.
An idea popped into my head. A way to ditch my terrible last name. It also hid me from people from my past finding me once I made a name for myself on the streets.
I would change my name to Ramsay. Phoenix Johanna Ramsay. No, Phoenix was to uncommon a name. Someone would recognize it. I had lived not too far from here before.
Johanna Mary Jane Ramsay. That would be my full name. Mary Jane thrown in there simply because I felt like a joint right then.
*
“Phoenix! Where are you going!?” Mrs. Jacobson called to me as the front door creaked.
“Out for a walk.” Before she could say anything else I closed the door behind me and made a mad dash for the ally down the street.
I walked my way through ally after ally. I passed some fucked up looking people.
Finally, I gave up. I was too damn shy for this. I’d smoke what I had, then get clean and continue with wherever I was going in life. I had no idea where that was. I never had, but now it seemed even more unclear.
I sighed a sat down in the middle of yet another dirty ally. I took the last cigarette I had brought from my pocket and began searching for the lighter I knew I had.
I patted my pockets but couldn’t find it. “Fuck.” I mumbled through the smoke.
“Need a light?” I looked up when the voice sounded. She was about 5”9, chocolate brown skin and dark brown curly hair. She wore black cargo pants and a faded Blink-182 shirt.
“Y-yeah…thanks.” She sat down beside me as I took the lighter she handed me.
“So what’s a pretty little girl like you doing out here ruining her life?” She asked.
“I’m not a little girl!” I snapped. One thing that bugged me more than anything, being called little. This girl was only 20 at the most.
She held up her hands. “Sorry…sorry…I’m Trish.” She said. “What’s your name?”
This Trish seemed nice…way too nice for this kind of scene. “Ph-Johanna.” I almost said Phoenix. But that wasn’t my name anymore.
“Ph-Johanna?” Trish questioned it. I took a drag of my cigarette and didn’t look at her. “You look a little lost, Joh…can I call you Joh?”
I shrugged.
“Let me guess your story, Joh…Daddy left, and Mommy blamed you…you tried your hardest to please her but maybe two weeks ago…you gave up?” Trish looked over at me.
I shook my head.
“C’mon, Joh…if you’re gonna make your way out here you need a friend. Tell me your story.” Trish draped her arm over my shoulder.
“What’s yours?” I shot back at her, taking another drag of my smoke.
“My parent’s died when I was 13. I lived on the streets alone until I was 17. I met Sam. We fell in love, I live with him now. He deals a lot and I help out for the keep.”
Trish spilled with no hesitation. I felt like an ass hole for not saying anything.
“You can trust me Joh. I know we just met and all but I’ve been where you are.” Trish said.
“Ya…good to know…”
“So…your story?”
I sighed and took a deep breath. This was how to make friends, wasn’t it? Trust people. “My dad died when I was two…then my mom and older brother when I was ten.” I started. “I’ve been bounced around the foster care system until about 8 months ago when I finally got adopted. I got really settled in there…I even fell in love…last week I found out he’s been a drug addict the whole time and the bastard got me hooked.” I couldn’t believe I’d referred to Josh in that way. I loved him and I didn’t blame him.
“He said he was sorry and all that…for getting me so into this in just a week…I still love him…” I was crying. “He gave me a ring. Promised to marry me and I promised I’d keep the ring even after I moved…My adoptive mother died and the government dragged me out right away.”
“A ring! Really!?” Trish seemed excited despite my tears. “Sorry, right. If we’re gonna be friends I gotta be there for you…”
I laughed. “It’s okay, Trish.” I said and held out my hand.
“It’s so pretty.” Trish turned my hand over and examined the ring closely. “Must’ve cost a pretty penny to.” She looked up at me. “What’d he get you hook on?”
“Heroin…”
“Oh, really?” Trish reached into her pocket and pulled out a needle. “My man just so happens to deal.”
I shook my head. “I hate needles, only smoke.”
“Yeah, I’m with you there…Sam gives me powder to smoke and makes these with the rest.” She shook the needle. “Like I said, I help him sell.” She put it back in her pocket. “What was your guy like?”
I sighed. “He was absolutely amazing. I miss him like crazy. He’s a musician, and really cute to. His name’s Josh.”
“Sounds cute.” Trish laughed. “How old are you?”
“I’m 16.” Trish’s eyes seemed to pop out of her head. “What?” I asked.
“By your looks I thought you were 14, your story maybe 19…but holy crap lil’ girl you’ve lived quite the life.”
I nodded. “I guess I have.”
It was the biggest move I’d ever done. Which made sense, since I’d lived here in Vancouver longer than anywhere else. Just over 8 months.
I was moving in with a family in Calgary. They already had two completely adopted kids, I was moving in on a trial basis to see how I got along with them. At the end of the month, some prissy person from the adoption agency would come, interview all three of us and the parents, turn the house upside down looking for drugs or any sign of anything, then leave no matter what we thought.
Speaking of drugs, even though I had broken up with Josh three weeks ago he still proved useful. The morning after the break up I woke up to see something on my window sill.
A paper bag, inside was a pack of smokes, one of the bags Josh took off of Mark, a lighter, and a note.
After lighting up a cigarette I carefully unfolded the note.
‘Keep the ring. Please.’
I nearly started crying at the sight of Josh’s familiar hand writing.
Every three days when I woke up from that day forth, there would be a similar bag on my window sill. With different notes. 6 deliveries, 6 different notes.
Delivery 2 – ‘I’m sorry I was stupid enough to drag you down with me.’
Delivery 3 – ‘I think some part of me hopes your just selling all of this for college fund or something. All the while laughing at your stupid drug addict ex paving your way to glory.’
Delivery 4 – ‘You beautiful when you sleep, did I ever tell you that?’
Delivery 5 – ‘Ramsay’s Fiction is falling apart, just thought I’d mention.’
Each and every note made me want to go screaming over to Josh house and beg him to forgive me.
But no, here I was, standing on the side walk with my new ‘dad’ as Adam helped us load boxes. I knew there were tears sliding down my face but I didn’t care this time.
I never made an effort to say by to Shaun. I ran into Matt yesterday at Starbucks and sort of had to. Brett, Andrew and Amanda were forgotten and would probably forget me soon to.
Josh. Josh was the one on my mind right now. What would happen to him with me gone? What would happen to me? Would either of us ever regain sanity?
What hurt the most was not saying goodbye. Other than the night of the break up, I never talked to Josh. (The notes don’t count).
Adam tapped my shoulder, waking me from my thoughts. “Phoenix.” He said to me, almost crying to. “I know you to broke up – I’m not stupid – but Josh has been standing on his front deck for twenty minutes watching us. Go say bye.”
I finally let myself look over to Josh’s house. I had put up mental blinders to it all morning, afraid I’d break down.
And I did. The second I saw Josh standing there, his hair in his face, scuffling his feet around, I ran.
I jumped into his arms. He seems surprised, but who could blame him. I was crying, I didn’t care. “I’m going to miss you so much.” I cried.
“I’m gonna miss you to, Phoenix.” He said, sounding like he was crying to.
I took a step back to look at him. When I ran over here, I noticed something different but didn’t bother paying attention.
He had dyed his hair. Pitch black. I had to admit, it was a nice change. A sexy change…better than the surfer dirty blond colour the suited him just the same. This more suited the new Josh.
“You dyed your hair.” I said, feeling like an idiot pointing out the obvious.”
“Ya…you like it?” He asked. The look on his face said my approval was everything.
“I love it.” Swallowing my pride, I kissed him. “I love you, I’ll always love you.” I said between kisses.
“I love you more.” Josh teased me. I would miss him. So, so much. I didn’t even want to think about how much I would miss him. I wanted to be right here, right now, forever. “Please don’t sell that ring.” Josh held me at arm’s length.
“I promise I won’t.” My words were cut off by a honk from my new ‘dad’ I sighed. “And you promise me three things.” I told Josh sternly, knowing I had to leave way to soon.
“One, take care of Adam.”
“Done.”
“Two, take care of yourself.”
“I’ll do my best.”
“And three, ‘Girls for nothing, money for free’.” I quoted Matt on something he would always say about his future.
Josh laughed at my third request. “’Just you wait.’” He finished the quote.
“I love you.” With that, I ran off back to the car.
“So was that your boyfriend?” After at least twenty minutes of awkward silence my ‘dad’ spoke.
“Ex.” I had a speak-when-spoken-to kind of attitude toward this guy and any family that waited for me. The Jacobson’s. I still wasn’t changing my last name. Even if they adopted me. I never took Adam and Lisa’s last name. It wasn’t really like I liked the name Hanson – actually I hated it, it made me think of Rick Hanson and slow people asked if I was related to him. I was just never going to change my name to suit some adoptive parents. Now I was certain, the only change in name I would never have would be from Hanson to Ramsay.
“Seemed like you two were still together back there.” Mr. Jacobson whatever said.
“It was goodbye. I’m being ripped away from someone I love and a place I love, I’m entitled to say goodbye.” I said it with as much venom as I could possibly deliver.
The awkward silence I induced only hung for about three minutes. He talked about the family I was moving in with; he asked me questions about absolutely everything imaginable. My grades disappointed him, his expectation of perfect disappointed me.
It took a long time to drive out to Calgary, but we made it there by the time the sun when down. We pulled up to a fairly average size house. The exterior was painted a blank white colour, the driveway was cracked, and the gutters looked like they needed to be cleaned.
The second I stepped out I missed Vancouver. It was like suddenly, an elephant was sitting on my chest. I was used to this, I had sinus problems and the closer I was the sea level the more they disappeared. And these bastards dragged me away from my precious ocean.
I packed my own stuff into my room – which was in the attic. I hated it. It was the exact opposite from my perfect basement room back home. There, I felt like my room was private. No one saw me, no one heard me, and I was alone. Up here, the second my foot hit the floor, the boards would creak and it was heard throughout the house.
I was getting out of here. I had been devising a plan for quite a while now, actually. The whole drive over here. I had a lot of heroin I simply brought up here from Vancouver, but I would need more soon. I was hooked on the stuff and hadn’t been clean in days.
I had half a pack of smokes left to.
My plan? Tonight after dinner I would say I wanted to ‘take a walk’ ‘get used to the area.’ And I would insist on going alone. I would walk every back ally in this town until I found someone who looked like they could hook me up. They would be my new best friend in this town.
And as soon as I had a chance, I’d leave the house. To live in a box, or live in a mansion with a drug dealer. I really didn’t give a flying fuck.
An idea popped into my head. A way to ditch my terrible last name. It also hid me from people from my past finding me once I made a name for myself on the streets.
I would change my name to Ramsay. Phoenix Johanna Ramsay. No, Phoenix was to uncommon a name. Someone would recognize it. I had lived not too far from here before.
Johanna Mary Jane Ramsay. That would be my full name. Mary Jane thrown in there simply because I felt like a joint right then.
*
“Phoenix! Where are you going!?” Mrs. Jacobson called to me as the front door creaked.
“Out for a walk.” Before she could say anything else I closed the door behind me and made a mad dash for the ally down the street.
I walked my way through ally after ally. I passed some fucked up looking people.
Finally, I gave up. I was too damn shy for this. I’d smoke what I had, then get clean and continue with wherever I was going in life. I had no idea where that was. I never had, but now it seemed even more unclear.
I sighed a sat down in the middle of yet another dirty ally. I took the last cigarette I had brought from my pocket and began searching for the lighter I knew I had.
I patted my pockets but couldn’t find it. “Fuck.” I mumbled through the smoke.
“Need a light?” I looked up when the voice sounded. She was about 5”9, chocolate brown skin and dark brown curly hair. She wore black cargo pants and a faded Blink-182 shirt.
“Y-yeah…thanks.” She sat down beside me as I took the lighter she handed me.
“So what’s a pretty little girl like you doing out here ruining her life?” She asked.
“I’m not a little girl!” I snapped. One thing that bugged me more than anything, being called little. This girl was only 20 at the most.
She held up her hands. “Sorry…sorry…I’m Trish.” She said. “What’s your name?”
This Trish seemed nice…way too nice for this kind of scene. “Ph-Johanna.” I almost said Phoenix. But that wasn’t my name anymore.
“Ph-Johanna?” Trish questioned it. I took a drag of my cigarette and didn’t look at her. “You look a little lost, Joh…can I call you Joh?”
I shrugged.
“Let me guess your story, Joh…Daddy left, and Mommy blamed you…you tried your hardest to please her but maybe two weeks ago…you gave up?” Trish looked over at me.
I shook my head.
“C’mon, Joh…if you’re gonna make your way out here you need a friend. Tell me your story.” Trish draped her arm over my shoulder.
“What’s yours?” I shot back at her, taking another drag of my smoke.
“My parent’s died when I was 13. I lived on the streets alone until I was 17. I met Sam. We fell in love, I live with him now. He deals a lot and I help out for the keep.”
Trish spilled with no hesitation. I felt like an ass hole for not saying anything.
“You can trust me Joh. I know we just met and all but I’ve been where you are.” Trish said.
“Ya…good to know…”
“So…your story?”
I sighed and took a deep breath. This was how to make friends, wasn’t it? Trust people. “My dad died when I was two…then my mom and older brother when I was ten.” I started. “I’ve been bounced around the foster care system until about 8 months ago when I finally got adopted. I got really settled in there…I even fell in love…last week I found out he’s been a drug addict the whole time and the bastard got me hooked.” I couldn’t believe I’d referred to Josh in that way. I loved him and I didn’t blame him.
“He said he was sorry and all that…for getting me so into this in just a week…I still love him…” I was crying. “He gave me a ring. Promised to marry me and I promised I’d keep the ring even after I moved…My adoptive mother died and the government dragged me out right away.”
“A ring! Really!?” Trish seemed excited despite my tears. “Sorry, right. If we’re gonna be friends I gotta be there for you…”
I laughed. “It’s okay, Trish.” I said and held out my hand.
“It’s so pretty.” Trish turned my hand over and examined the ring closely. “Must’ve cost a pretty penny to.” She looked up at me. “What’d he get you hook on?”
“Heroin…”
“Oh, really?” Trish reached into her pocket and pulled out a needle. “My man just so happens to deal.”
I shook my head. “I hate needles, only smoke.”
“Yeah, I’m with you there…Sam gives me powder to smoke and makes these with the rest.” She shook the needle. “Like I said, I help him sell.” She put it back in her pocket. “What was your guy like?”
I sighed. “He was absolutely amazing. I miss him like crazy. He’s a musician, and really cute to. His name’s Josh.”
“Sounds cute.” Trish laughed. “How old are you?”
“I’m 16.” Trish’s eyes seemed to pop out of her head. “What?” I asked.
“By your looks I thought you were 14, your story maybe 19…but holy crap lil’ girl you’ve lived quite the life.”
I nodded. “I guess I have.”