Cross My Heart

“You Josh Ramsay?” I could barely see the guys face, but he was at least 6”5. He had me pinned to a brick wall by my neck.
“Y-yes.” I choked out.
He took the cigarette from my mouth and put it in his. “You touch my Joh, I’ll rip your balls off. You got that?”
Okay, if I wasn’t confused before now I was. “Wh-who’s Joh?” He shoved me into the wall harder.
“Johanna.” He said sternly. “The girl you fucked over in high school. Don’t you fuck her life any more than you have. If you do…let’s just say your little fangirls won’t me too happy if you’re a chick.” With one last shove into the wall, he left.
I stood there for a few minutes, thinking it over and regaining my composition. Who was Johanna? Did he mean Phoenix? I mean, her middle name is Johanna. It would make sense…but why would he know her middle name? Was he her boyfriend or something?
By the time I made it to Starbucks, I probably looked like a train wreck again. I was ten minutes late, soaking wet from the now pouring rain, and ruffled from my confrontation in the ally.
I ordered my coffee and looked around the small store.
There she was. My perfect Phoenix. She sat at a table in the corner, her hair long and wavy. I had to admit, the black looked pretty good on her. She wore the same Green Day shirt as before, and still didn’t have her glasses on. Maybe she got contacts? She wore no makeup, which surprised me. Back in high school she wouldn’t leave the house without eye liner.
“Here you go, Josh!” An excited looking 16ish looking girl handed me my coffee. “Have a nice day!” I could tell she was probably freaking out, so I shot her a smile.
“You to.” Her already huge smile somehow got huger.
I made my way over to Phoenix, wondering what I should do. Sit down beside her? Across from her? Should I just sit down or ask if I can?
I decided on the seat across from her, less awkward. “Hi…” I said. She looked up from the paper she was reading.
“Hey Josh.” She smiled at me. “Long time no talk.”
“Can I sit?” I nodded my head to the chair.
“Free country.” I laughed at her joke and sat down opposite her.
I noticed she didn’t have a coffee. “C-can I buy you something?” I asked her.
“No, no. It’s okay. You have better things to spend your money on…plus you already have a coffee.”
“You sure? You look a little hungry?” It was true. Back in high school she was perfect. Skinny, but not skin and bones. Curvy, but not over weight. Now I could see her collar bones poking out from under the collar of her shirt. The bones in her wrist jutted out around – now I could see clearly – heavily scarred skin.
I did this.
“No. I’m fine I swear.” She smiled and placed a hand over her heart, holding the other arm up. I could really see now, all the way up past her elbow was scared. Straight, short little scars. Some were white, some so red it looked like they had been cut ten minutes ago. I didn’t say anything about it.
“Okay fine.” I gave up. “So what have you been doing with your life?”
“Nothing really. Working minimum wage…trying to chase some dreams.” She answered way too quickly. Her words slurred together, the way she always spoke when she lied.
“What dreams?” She never really talked about dreams when we were together…it was all about my dreams. I felt like a douche bag realizing this.
She shrugged. “A friend said I had a good voice…so I guess you could say I’m trying to get discovered…Every once and a while I’ll take a guitar and sit on a park bench. Make five bucks.”
I smiled. Here was my excuse to see her again. “Josh Ramsay, musician and music producer.” I held out my hand. She laughed and shook it.
“What do you mean by that, Mr. Ramsay?”
“I wish to help you on your road to success. I can help you write a few songs, record a demo CD…then we can show it to Chad I know he’ll love you and-“
“Josh!” Phoenix’s voice stopped my day dream of never leaving her side again. I had told her the watered down version…the version without us getting married and moving into a little cabin in the woods in the Okanagan.
“Slow the fuck down. Doesn’t all this cost money?”
“Well yeah…but I’ve got a studio we can work in until Chad signs you and-“
“JOSH! I don’t have the fucking money to pay for a contract. Chad fucking Kroeger can sign me all he wishes but I. Can’t. Afford. It.”
I looked into my coffee. She wasn’t going to like this…not at all but… “I can.”
“No.” She didn’t even think about it. She just said no.
I opened my mouth to say more, but she was already walking out of the café.
How was I going to find her again!? She couldn’t just walk out of my life again!? I needed her!
I got up and ran after her, not taking my coffee. She was already outside.
I pushed open the doors. “Phoenix!?” I yelled into the rain. A few people looked up, none of them we’re my girl. I needed her back. Where did she go?
“Um…” A small voice said behind me. I turned. There was a small girl, about five feet tall with long black hair. She was maybe 14, but that was pushing it. “T-there was a girl…sh-she ran out of there…cursing about y-you…she went that way.” She pointed across the street and into an ally.
I smiled wide. “Thank you so much!” I hugged her and ran off. Leaving here looking stunned. I didn’t even care; I was too busy almost getting ran over as I darted across the street.
“Phoenix?” I looked around the dark ally.
A shadow stood at the end. Near a ten foot tall chain link fence. She was sort of hunched over, with something in her hand.
She brought it to her mouth, took a deep breath, and blew out a familiar smelling smoke. That smell the constant voice in the back of my head loved. The nagging voice of heroin, the one I had repressed for so many years, came screaming out. I wanted some.
But I couldn’t. Not after ten years. “P-Phoenix?” I hoped it wasn’t her. Heroin wanted it to be her. He wanted her to offer me some. He wanted to fall back into a hole.
“Go away Josh.” She whispered.
“Phoenix I can help you…” I pushed the voice back in my head.
“I don’t want your fucking help! You put me here!” She screamed at me. “I don’t have a fucking place to sleep at night! I spend every fucking waking moment thinking about how and when I’m going to get my next fix! YOU DID THIS!” She jumped at me.
Thanking god for my height and weight advantage, I grabbed her arms and pushed her against the wall behind her. She cried out then bit her lip.
Lightening my hold on both her arms, her face relaxed a bit. Fresh cuts…
“Phoenix your better than this.” I told her. “I’m going to send you to rehab. We’re going to get you clean again. Find your dreams and save your life.”
“I’m not going to rehab.” I said sternly, looking into my eyes. “Not in a million years.”
I didn’t break eye contact. “You’re going to get clean, weather you go to rehab or not. I did this; I’m going to fix it.”
She laughed about something and looked down. “What?” I asked.
“So you’re going to Fix Me?” She was full out smiling now.
I laughed a bit to. “Yeah I guess. If you want to connect that.” I figured she was comfortable enough now, I could let go of at least one of her arms. So I did, and which my right hand, brushed her thick black hair away from the right side of her neck.
There in simple black lettering read Fix Me. I smiled “I thought it said that.”
*
Phoenix sat on my couch, her head in her hands.
She had agreed to come with me, and we discussed what we were going to do. We decided she would live with me until she was clean and back on her feet.
I was fully aware it would take a while. I had been in her same position before.
“How long till the voice goes away?” She looked up at me. “I’m still high and there’s this voice in my head telling me to go find my next fix…”
“It doesn’t.” I wasn’t going to bullshit her like a doctor would. “It never goes away. You just have to learn to control it.” I sat down beside her.
“Scooter’s gonna kill me…” She was crying now.
“Who’s Scooter?” I asked. Maybe that was the guy who ‘attacked’ me.
“M-my friend…I’ve been staying with him for a few days…I left my few possessions at his house…I’ve gotta go get him…He’s gonna kill me when I leave…”
“C’mon I bet if you expla-“
“You don’t know Scooter. He’s super possessive over me.” She whipped at her face. “I can’t tell him where I am or he’ll kill you to.”
“I could take him.” I straightened my back and tried to act manly in an effort to make her smile.
It worked. “Yeah. You could defiantly take a six foot five gang-banger.”
I needed to figure out who the guy in the ally was, and now I had an idea. “Does he call you Joh?”
“Huh?”
“Like, Joh…as in Johanna.”
“Why?”
“Some guy grabbed me today…told me not to touch ‘my Joh’.” I made quotations with my fingers. “Said he’d rip my balls off if I did.”
“Oh…that’s Scooter…for fucking sure that’s Scooter.”
“Why does he call you Joh?”
“Well um…when I moved to Calgary…I didn’t want people from Vancouver to find me once I got really into the drug scene…so I changed my name.”
“Johanna Hanson doesn’t sound as good as Phoenix.” I smiled at her.
She laughed. “No, I didn’t go by Hanson. I actually changed my name to Johanna Ramsay.” She blushed a deep crimson and held out her left hand. “Figured it worked.”
On her finger sat the ring I gave her all those years ago. I figured she would have sold it for drugs by now.
Maybe…she still loved me to…