Cross My Heart

It was different kissing Josh. I guess the fact that each of us sported new piercings had a lot to do with it.
But it was like, inside that kiss was the proof that each of us had changed since high school. We were two different people…and it scared me.
Maybe I wasn’t in love with this Josh? What if all this change in each of us made us incompatible. He seemed the same. But who knows…I hadn’t really sat down and talked to him since.
Change had always scared me. I guess that’s why I never liked making friends in new places. I cancelled everybody out and waited until I moved again. It wasn’t really change that way. There was no people. There was no attachment. What could change?
I felt like I was going to have a panic attack. I pulled back from Josh.
“What’s wrong?” He asked, examining my face.
What did I say? Oh yeah Josh I’m just scared to death you grew up and got a life.
My stomach saved me. Grumbling loudly. “Hungry.” I said, like a two year old.
“And to the kitchen!” Josh jumped up and extended a hand to help me. “I hope you learned to cook.”
“Oh I sure as hell didn’t.” I laughed. Josh dragged me by the arm all the way into his kitchen.
“What are you hungry for?” He asked me.
“Pancakes!” I jumped up and down; stealing my hand back I clapped them together.
“It’s ten thirty at night…” Josh raised an eye brow.
“The fucks I don’t give!”
Maybe, Josh was still the same. Sure, the Josh I knew in high school was probably high half the time I was with him but this Josh was pretty crazy still.
He was still Josh. I saw now as we made a complete mess of his kitchen. He wasn’t a whole new person, just change a little. Maybe for the better.
“So seriously, what did Shaun say?” Josh asked. I sat on the counter of the kitchen as he watched the pan with the pan cakes in it.
“She really doesn’t want Matt to know…” I bite my lip and kicked against the cupboards.
“I won’t tell him, you can trust me.” Josh looked at me over his shoulder.
“Uh…she got knocked up.” I felt terrible spilling her secret. But I felt that I really could trust Josh.
He dropped the spatula in his hand. “Holy fuck…did she keep the kid?” He turned around completely to look at me.
I nodded. “She’s ten. Her name is Valerie…I was actually thinking of going to see Shaun again and maybe meeting Valerie…but Shaun told me to get out…I don’t think she’d want to see me.” I rubbed my face with my hands.
“You were her best friend, were you not?” Josh asked, walking over and placing a hand on either side of my hips.
I nodded. “I was.”
“I bet what Shaun needs right now more than ever is her old best friend back.”
I looked down at my hands folded together in my lap. “What I need is my own personal midget.” I said. Josh raised an eyebrow at me as I looked back up at him. “It will make all my choices for me, and I will never have to think.” I smiled.
Josh laughed. “You’re too cute.” He kissed my smile. That I missed. Just me and Josh, hanging out, laughing, kissing just because.
“That’s great, Ramsay.” I said, a thought occurring to me. “But you’re murdering my pancake.” I pushed him away and pointed to the oven.
“Oh shit!” He jumped across the kitchen to save the pancake.
I sat and watched him as he cooked up the rest of the batter. How was I good enough for this man? A recovering drug addict. I was disgusting. All skin and bones, covered in disgusting scars. Who would want me? Why did Josh? Did he, or was he being nice?
He was trying to fix what he broke. Put my life back together the way he thought it would have been if he never fucked it up for me. I could see that.
“And, pancakes.” Josh spun around, holding a plate filled with pancakes.
I helped him set up the table with butter and syrup, plates and forks and knives.
It felt weird…but right, as I sat at about 11 o’clock at night now eating pancakes with Josh. We could just talk and have fun, eating the most inappropriate food for the moment.
“I missed you, Phoenix.” Josh said to me.
“You had Amanda, didn’t you?” I pointed out to him, feeling self-conscious. If he had seen what I turned into he wouldn’t have missed me. He said I was beautiful before, when I was an average weight with no scars. I was ugly now.
“Yeah, but she was just there to fill the hole you left. She never did but…well, she was there.” Josh shrugged.
“You wrote all those songs for her, though. Like Cross My Heart and All To Myself…” I think by now I was trying to prove to Josh that he didn’t need me. I was afraid I’d relapse. And afraid he’d follow me.
He shook his head. “Some of the songs were for Amanda, but more for her, with me wishing it was you. Cross My Heart was legitimately for you. Good To You, Beside You, Perfect. Little bits and pieces on Fix Me. They were for you in the day dreams I had. People just thought they were for Amanda and I never corrected them.” He shrugged. “It’s not exactly fun telling people you’re still in love with a girl you haven’t seen in ten years.”
I stared at Josh. Was he bluffing? How could he fake a relationship with Amanda for that long? Why me? He could do a thousand times better in the blink of an eye.
“Phoenix?” He looked up at me, afraid of my reaction.
“Me?” I asked in disbelief.
“You.”
“You could have any girl in this country, and you choose the severely underweight heroin addict?”
“Recovering.” Josh corrected me. “You’re getting better. I can see it.”
“I’m not who I was in high school, Josh.” I stood up from the table. “I will admit now, back then I was all you told me I was. I was beautiful and perfect, but that person is gone. I’m just her ugly shadow.” I tried to walk away from the table. Back to my bed room to collapse on my bed and cry. Maybe I could find a blade – anything – and slice a few more cuts into my skin. It made me feel alive again.
But Josh wouldn’t let me. He stood with me and wrapped his arm around my waist, not letting me leave. “You’re still perfect, Phoenix.” He told me. “It doesn’t matter what’s on the outside, it’s you I love.”
Josh wrapped his other arm around my waist and held me to him. “I don’t want to lose you again. It was my stupid mistake. I’m not going to fuck up again. I promise.” He kissed the top of my head.
“I’m the fuck up, not you.” I whispered into his chest.
He pulled me back to look at my face. “You’re in a successful band. You have a platinum record. You make amazing money.” I said. “What do I do? I leach off of you.”
“No, no, no, no.” Josh soothed me. I just stood there, limp but stiff, not moving as Josh tucked my hair behind my ear. “You’re just lost. You’ll find your way back soon.”
I didn’t say anything this time. I just stood there, my arms hanging at my side as Josh looked into my eyes. Looking for some sign I was still there.
“Phoenix I love you.” Josh rested his forehead on mine. “I still do. I always will.”
“I-I love you to…” I choked on the words.
Josh pressed his lips to mine, and I couldn’t help but kiss him back. I really did miss him, so matter how much I didn’t deserve him. I still wanted him to be mine.
I wrapped my arms around his neck. He smiled against my lips.
Like, c’mon, every girl would love to brag that Josh Ramsay is their boyfriend. Next time I was out and someone asked me if I was single awe hell naw my boyfriend is playin on the fucking radio.
I laughed inside my head.
This was perfect. It was like high school over again, without the school part.
Josh’s hand wandered from my waist, following my belt, and then fumbling for the hem of my shirt.
No. He couldn’t see my other scars. If he thought my wrists were trashed…after ten years of cutting, you needed other places to cut.
When Josh started pulling up my shirt I pushed him away.
“What’s wrong?” He asked, letting go of my shirt.
I searched for a quick excuse. “Um…Not tonight…I’m tired.” I bluffed beautifully.
“Okay fine.” Josh pouted. I laughed.
I skipped off to my room, trying to act like there was absolutely nothing in the world bothering me. That was a lie. There was ten million things bothering me.
I pulled on the PJs Josh had bought for me today. They had little dancing cupcakes all over them. I loved it.
“Me-row?” I heard a noise from my bed. Looking over I saw Anemonie standing, looking at me as I struggled to remove my last sock.
“Hey girl.” I said to her.
“Mow.” She replied, sitting down and watching me.
Once my sock was off, I crawled over to her. “Hey baby.” I said and patted her head.
She purred and rubbed her face into my hand. “Awwe, you are so sweet.”
There was a knock at the door. “Are you molesting my cat?” Josh asked.
I laughed. “You may enter.” Josh opened the door.
“What the fuck, Amemonie you cheating bitch.” Josh said to the cat. I laughed, Amemonie meowed at him and left the room.
“That sad moment when your own cat hates you.” I said to Josh.
“Oh shut up. Tux loves me.” Josh sat down next to me.
“I’d like to sleep, Josh.” I said, protesting the fact that he was in my room. I crawled up into my bed and buried myself under the covers.
“Come stay in my room.” Josh pouted, poking at my back. “I’m lonely.”
I drew the covers back just enough that I could see. “Why?”
“I’m lonely.” Josh pouted. “I wanna cuddle.”
“Fine. But you have to carry me.” I put my arms out. “I’m way too lazy to walk.”
Josh rolled his eyes and picked me up bridal style. “You’re lucky I love you.”
“I am aren’t I.” I snuggled into his chest.