Cross My Heart

I awoke nearly alone in Josh’s room. Tux lay asleep across my legs. I yawned and laughed at him. “Time to get up, Tux.” I wiggled my legs a bit, trying to wake him.
He meowed in protest and walked up my legs, taking a seat on my stomach.
“C’mon Tux, you gotta let me get up.” I said, patting his black and white head. As if saying ‘no’, he laid down on me and meowed again. “Stupid cat.” I moaned, yet continued to pet him.
I must have laid there for half an hour, petting tux and counting ceiling tiles. There is something about when a cat falls asleep on you, you really just don’t have the heart to move them.
Well, that depended how hungry you got. I felt like my stomach was going to eat it self if I didn’t feed it soon. Or I might just eat Tux.
“Okay Tux, TLC time is over.” I rolled over suddenly, falling to the floor and leaving Tux confused on the bed.
I made my way towards the kitchen. As I got closer I could hear Josh talking – probably on the phone.
“I’m just waiting for Phoenix to wake up…I don’t know if she’s not up in another hour I’ll wake her…I don’t really give a fuck Matt…yes yes I promise I’ll be there…GOODBYE!” Josh hung up his phone and sighed.
I walked into the kitchen then. “Morning.” I said and pushed myself up on the counter.
“Morning to you to, sleeping beauty.” Josh laughed and kissed my forehead. “You know it’s already eleven?”
“You know for the past month I’ve been sleeping until three thirty?” If I slept at all.
“Well then, early start for you.” Josh smiled. “You want some breakfast?” He asked.
“I. Want. Toast.” I declared. “Now, slave.”
Josh laughed and grabbed a loaf of bread from behind me. “Any other requests, your highness?”
“No, simply feed me.”
I watched as Josh placed two slices of bread into the toaster for me. I wasn’t sure why I couldn’t have just done that myself, but hey, I didn’t mind.
“So where do you have to go?” I asked Josh.
“Huh?” He leaned against the counter opposite me.
“I heard you on the phone with Matt.”
“Oh. Yeah I’ve got to go to the studio. The boys are coming in today and hopefully we can get a bit of recording done.” Josh said. “I may or may not have been spending most of my time here in case you came out of your room…” Josh bit his lip.
“Really, Josh?” I laughed. “I’m fine on my own.” I promised him. “Buuuut…”
“But what?” Josh rolled his eyes.
“Can I come with you? I wanna see Matt.” I gave him an innocent smile.
“So you’re fine without me, but you want to see Matt?” Josh held a hand over his heart. “I’m hurt.”
“You’re such an idiot.” I laughed and reached my arms out to him. He complied, walking over and wrapping his arms around my waist.
“Yes you can come.” Josh laughed at me. “But if you used to complain about Matt being awkward…”
“How could he have gotten worse!?” I laughed.
“The man invented awkward, I swear.” Josh laughed.
I sighed and rested my arms on his shoulders. “I’m tired.” I complained.
“You look beautiful.” Josh smiled and kissed me.
“Fuck you, liar.” I laughed and kissed him back.
“Fine, I’ll get a condom.” Josh winked at me.
“Dear god, Josh!” I couldn’t help but laugh as I gave him a little shove. Just then, my toast popped. “FOOD YES!” I yelled and pushed Josh away, running for the toaster.
I was pleased with the perfect brown of my toast. Finding a knife and butter, I prepared it to absolute perfection.
As I was spreading butter on my second piece, Josh hugged me from behind that cute way he used to in high school. I will admit, it still gave me butterflies. He rested his chin on the top of my head.
“You’re just mocking my height aren’t you?” I asked, shoving toast into my mouth.
“Maybe. But you smell good.” I could hear the smile in Josh’s voice.
Josh did make me feel a lot better. But I still wasn’t perfect. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. For one, I could still hear the calls of addiction. I wanted some of the dragon right now so bad. I wouldn’t even care how I took it, I just needed it. I would shoot up and be fine.
But I knew I couldn’t. Josh had got me this far, and I didn’t want to let him down.
Then again, there is another think I was worried about. What if I was letting Josh down? I sure as hell wasn’t the same person he knew in high school.
The reminder of what I had done was tearing me up from the inside out. I had been feeling rather apathetic about life all the time. I didn’t really want to die, but I didn’t want to live either.
But…now I had Josh. I was getting clean. Everything was getting better. I should be getting happier to…but I wasn’t. I just felt like instead of emotions, half the time I had this black hole sitting in my chest.
Yes, I felt. I loved Josh; Tux and Anemonie’s cuteness was adorable. But like, at times, for no reason I’d just go black. Kind of apathetic. Like, that feeling where I really would contemplate suicide.
That feeling used to be 24/7 for me, now it was getting to the point where it was more like…for a random time every day. When I wasn’t distracted.
“What are you thinking about?” Josh asked me. I guess my silence worried him.
I decided on the truth. “If I’m getting better…why do I still feel like there is a black hole where my heart should be?” I whispered. “Sometimes I’ll just feel like I want to jump off a building…but then sometimes…I think of you…and…why do I feel this way?”
“It’s called depression, and it fucking sucks. Everyone has they’re way of dealing with it – mine is music – you just have to find yours.” Josh smiled and kissed my cheek. “I always thought you had it. Like, in high school the way you acted…” Josh’s smile fell. “I wish you didn’t have to suffer through that, but it’s just something you were born with. A lot of people are.”
I knew my way of dealing with it, but Josh sure wouldn’t like it.
I figured it out long ago. I had two ways of dealing with depression – which I had figured out I had long ago – one was drugs. If felt down, I’d smoke a little heroin and feel better.
Two was cutting. I could never really explain why I cut. It didn’t even hurt when I did it. A small sting for two seconds, and then the simple flow of blood. I’d cut myself over and over again. I had done it for years, and I was covered in the scars.
Josh could never find me beautiful like this.
I sighed. “On second thought…I think I’ll stay home today Josh.”
“What? Why?” Josh spun me around by my shoulders to look at him. “I thought you wanted to see Matt? I was gonna show you what we’d been up to…”
“I just…maybe I’ll come to your studio when it’s just you. I don’t really wanna face Matt with the stuff I know about Shaun.” I lied through my teeth.
“Awwe c’mon, please?” Josh begged. “I already told Matt I wanted you to come.” I made the mistake of looking up into his eyes. His perfect eyes. I always melted into them.
I sighed. “Fine.” I moaned.
“Yay!” he picked me up and spun me around. “Now.” He said, placing me back down on my feet. “Run, do your girly things. We leave in ten minutes.”