Cross My Heart

I woke up when I hit the floor. I had rolled off the small couch.
Sitting up and looking around the room, I realized it was only a dream. Josh was nowhere in sight though.
I stood, desperately needing his arms around me. I felt like I was alone and exposed to the world.
I followed several hall ways until I found the room I had been in earlier in the day. Josh lay on the couch, his head resting on one arm rest and legs dangling over the other end. He was too tall for his own good.
I didn’t really care if I woke him up; right now I just needed him. I crawled on top of him and lay down on his chest.
He let out a soft grunt as I made myself comfortable. “Phoenix?” He asked his voice groggy from sleep.
“No, is the cookie monster.” I smiled a little bit.
“Are you okay?” He asked, wrapping his arms around me. “You’re crying…” I hadn’t realized that.
“I just had a bad dream.” In explained and snuggled into him.
“Tell me about it.” Josh said, running his fingers through my hair.
“I was walking down Acadia…and you were there but you looked like you did in high school…and Adam was there…And Scooter…” I felt tears stinging my face just being forced to remember it.
“Shh.” Josh soothed me. “You don’t have to tell me.”
“Thanks.” I tucked my head under his chin. Closing my eyes. “Can I ask why you are out here?”
“I finished editing Haven’t Had Enough and didn’t want to wake you up to go home. I was tired though.”
“You could have woken me up.”
“I didn’t want to. You were fast asleep.” Josh ran his fingers through my hair again. “Do you wanna go home now?” I would have said yes, but he ended the sentence with a yawn.
“I don’t think it’s smart for you to be driving right now.” I laughed at his tired state.
Instead of answering, Josh simply kissed the top of my head.
I fell asleep rather quickly after that, blessed with dreamless nothingness.
I must have slept at least another four or five hours. When I woke up, I felt refreshed. But I still didn’t want to get up. I was comfortable lying on Josh’s chest.
I mumbled as I woke though, so Josh knew I was awake. No escaping now. Josh began running his fingers through my hair again, once he was certain I was awake.
I shifted so my chin rested on Josh’s chest and I could look up at his face. He was staring up at the ceiling, apparently counting tiles.
“Why do you love me?” He asked. “Of all the people in the world you could have…why me?”
“I have a million reasons for that Josh.” I answered, my smile falling at his tone.
“Give me a few.”
“Okay…for one, back in high school, you made an effort to talk to me. No one had ever made an effort before.”
Josh silently thought that over for a second. “Okay, so you have one reason. But that is hardly enough to be as in love with me as you say you are…name another.”
I sighed. “Can’t you just accept that you’re perfect?” I asked, reaching up and stroking his cheek.
“But I’m not perfect. I’m an ass hole with an addiction to Coke Zero. I spend more money on guitars than most people spend on an entire years’ worth of food. On that point I am terrible with money. At first glance people think I’m gay. I don’t even blame them with the way I dress. I don’t want kids as most people seem to. I don’t know when to say no. I publicly make a fool of myself on a regular basis. And that’s just a few reasons why people should hate me. You on the other hand. I fucked up your life beyond belief. I took you virginity. I promised you so much I never fulfilled.” Josh let out a deep sigh at this point. I was sitting silently, waiting to interject. “Without me you could be so much more.”
“Are you done?” I raised an eye brow. Josh looked down at me, his look said no, but I wasn’t taking that as an answer at this point. “Josh, it’s those little imperfections that make you perfect. I don’t want society’s version of a perfect man. I want what I want. And what I want is a perfectly insane musician who isn’t afraid to be himself. Who actually cares about his appearance. Who hates kids just as much as I do. Who loves guitars more than he loves himself.
“And as for the things you did to me…Yeah, you gave me that first try…but I think in the long run I would have found drugs anyways. They just fit my situation perfectly. Taking my virginity; I don’t regret letting you have it. Not one bit. And as for those promises…we aren’t dead yet. We’re still young.”
“Next person to call 28 young gets hit by my car.”
“Well it is.” I laughed.
Josh smiled that huge smile that made teenage girls squeal. “You say that because your still 27.”
“Libra for the win.” I kissed his smile. “So do you believe me yet?” I asked him.
“I guess.” He whined like a three year old.
“Good. Now my turn. You, Mr. Ramsay, are a fucking rock star…why you drug addict ex-girlfriend?”
“Recovering.” Josh corrected me. “You are recovering. And fucking amazingly to.”
“Yes yes, but why me?” I put him back on track. “You could have pretty much any girl in Canada right now. Heck, tell them what you do and you can have any girl in the world. So why me? I’m a mess.”
Josh laughed. “I’m terrible with girls. And if they only date me for what I do, what’s the point? There’s no love there. You, on the other hand, have known me since before this. You know me. You don’t just know the front man of a famous band, you know me.”
“If it wasn’t for Marianas Trench I probably never would have come back in Vancouver.” My smile was falling. If it wasn’t for them, I would have accepted the fact that I would never see Josh again. Marianas Trench let me know he was okay.
“Well then it did something good. But still, you also don’t try to impress me like most other girls do. You’re just yourself. Your weird but amazing self. You don’t hide things. It’s like I know the real you to. Not just the you that you want me to see.” Josh smiled.
I tried my best to return his smile, but I just couldn’t. Not when I knew he was wrong. I was hiding things from him. He obviously knew I had taken up self-harm by now. I didn’t even try to hide my arms around him. But I didn’t want him to know how deep into it I had gotten. What if he got scared and sent me to a hospital? I didn’t want that. I didn’t need that. I was finally feeling happy again for the first time in years.
“Smile.” Josh told me, brushing some hair from my face.
“Josh…I-I need to show you something.” I needed to tell him about it. Eventually he’d find out, and I’d rather it not be a surprise if we got carried away. Eventually I was going to have to sleep with him.
I liked the fact that instead of starting over, we’d picked up where we left off. I never saw why couples would start over after a few years. Didn’t that just waste time?
The one disadvantage, that left us past our first time together. That didn’t help me in this situation.
“Okay?” Josh seemed confused, I didn’t blame him.
I sat up, straddling Josh’s hips. He propped himself up on his elbows so he could see me better. I started to lift my shirt a bit, wary of what I was doing. Josh raised an eye brow.
When I finally lifted my shirt to around my belly button Josh seemed to realize what I meant. He sat up completely, lifting me by my arm pits and placing me farther down on him.
With a gentle hand he traced over a few of the darker scars. The wide ones that looked like a shark had bit into me. My whole stomach was covered in them, and both my thighs looked the same.
“It’s on my legs to…” I confessed. “I don’t know why I ever did it…”
“I used to to…in high school.” He looked up at me. He pulled my shirt down so it covered the scars. “I get it. But…when was the last time?” He was scared I was still doing it; I could see it in his eyes.
I shook my head. “Before you found me. A few days before actually.” Josh nodded and smiled a tiny bit.
He held out his left arm for me. Looking down at it, I noticed a few tiny white scars. So white that in the right light, they would have been completely invisible.
“Most of them faded away completely…these few were from when I cut way to deep.” He told me as I traced a finger over one. “So yeah…” He snaked his arm around me and pulled me to him. “I understand why…you just can’t do it again. Promise?”
I nodded. He pressed his lips to mine. “Now we really should head home.” He smiled. I smiled back at him. Home. It had been a long time since I had a place to call home…even if Josh’s was just a temporary place. Once I was better I’d move…for some reason I didn’t want to.
Still, I felt the need to reinforce that. “Once I’m better I’ll be out of your hair. I promise.”
Josh’s eyes locked with mine again. “Y-you don’t have to leave…” His smiled dropped. “If you want to you can stay as long as you want.”
“But that was our deal. You’d help me get better and then I’d find my own place.”
“Yeah, a month ago when I thought I was still going to try my hardest to get Amanda back. When I was trying to look at you as a friend. Now you’re my girlfriend again…and I want you to move in with me.” Josh gave me a smile that was almost apologetic.
I smirked. “Well, it will take one thing off my plate…I’ll stay.”
Josh hugged me tightly. “I love you, Phoenix.” He whispered in my ear.
“I love you to, Josh.”