Just The Way I'm Not

“Hey you’re coming with me later right?” Alex asked quietly as Jack walked back into the main part of their hotel room after coming from the bathroom.

Jack glanced over at his best friend for a few moments blinking at him. Of course he knew what he was talking about but he figured he would ask Zo to go with him instead of him this time. She was after all his girlfriend now and they spent as much time as they could together on tour since they were both always busy. Between Zo helping Flyzik and the band doing interviews and playing acoustic shows and meet and greets before the shows, they saw each other less than when they were actually home.

“What?” Alex asked when he caught Jack’s look.

Jack shrugged, “Nothing, I just expected you to ask Zo that’s all.”

“Oh,” Alex attempted a small smile and shook his head. “No, you always come with me; I wouldn’t change that just because I’ve got a girlfriend now. Besides, I told Zo that I was going and she told me that I better not be asking her to go along with me. She demanded that I take you. And that we needed some time alone and to talk. A lot has happened in the last few weeks.”

Jack gave a small smile and nodded agreeing to go with him. Alex returned the smile again and then went back to pulling his shoes on. They were just about to meet the other guys down in the hotel lobby for breakfast and were running a few minutes late so Jack knew that he needed to stop just standing there and grab some clothes to wear.

It was about two weeks after the tour first started, and they finally had their first few days off. Two to be exact. It was already the second day and they had to be packed up to go for bus call at midnight that night so they all had made plans to go do things for the day.

The day before had been spent sleeping in until noon and doing as little as possible since they all were dead tired after getting little sleep the few days before. So since they had wasted all of the day before they were now all going to explore the town before they had to get back to tour. They all had different plans and after the band and crew met for breakfast they were all going to go off to do their own things.

“Morning,” Zo said cheerily as she skipped up to them and Alex pulled her in for a hug and kissing her cheek. “Morning Jackalope!” She continued as she let go of Alex and hugged him too.

“Morning Zee, have any plans for the day?” Jack asked as they walked into the little restaurant off to the left of the lobby and found where the rest of the guys were.

When they walked up, Rian yelled hi to them and Zack waved while the rest of the crew mumbled hellos also. The other three bands weren’t there doing their own things and they honestly hadn’t seen any of the others for about two days since they first had arrived at the hotel after the show a day before.

Jack took the seat between Alex and Flyzik and picked up his menu scanning through it to find something to eat. When their waitress came by, he noticed the hint of a blush painting her cheeks when she realized who was at the table but she kept her cool as she went around scribbling down their orders.

“So, what are you two up to today?” Rian asked after their waitress had left promising to be back with their drinks.

Jack shrugged, “Go around town see if there’s anything interesting to do in this weird town.” Rian gave a knowing nod understanding the hidden meaning in his words as Alex punched him.

“Hey, this is my town you ass. Don’t be talking trash about it.” Alex added as he playfully glared at him.

They were in fact in the heart of Essex only a short cab ride away from where Alex had grown up. On one of their first visits to England when they first started touring outside of the US Alex had happily pointed out all of the places where he used to go and live when they had passed through.

And Jack knew exactly where they were but couldn’t help on teasing his friend a little to brighten his mood. Whenever they got around this area Alex got mixed emotions about family and his life before he had moved to the US. Jack knew that it brought back a lot of good and bad memories for his friend and always tried to make sure he didn’t get too far lost in his thoughts and pull him out of any moods he got himself into.

When their food came and they ate, there were about a million different conversations going all around. Rian and Danny were talking, well more like shouting, across the table at each other wanting to trade food while Zo tired to be civil and talk to Flyzik next to her. It was something Jack had grown used to whenever the whole group of band and crew were crammed at a table together and had to admit he was one of the ones who were usually shouting.

“Hey! Get your hands off my bacon!” Jack yelled as he saw Alex trying to steal a piece while he wasn’t looking.

“That’s what she said!” Vinny yelled back as Jack slapped Alex’s hand away and everyone erupted into giggles.

Flyzik sighed, “Could you act your age for once in your lifetime?” He asked the merch guy with a small smile playing on his lips. Vinny just grinned and shook his head as more jokes and laughs were yelled across the table.

“Are you ready to go?” Alex asked as their waitress started to clear some of the empty plates from the table a while later. Jack smiled and nodded as they both threw some money down on the table to contribute to the bill before telling the guys that they were heading out.

“Remember bus call at midnight! Don’t be late!” Flyzik called as they waved telling their manager that they heard him as they headed towards the front doors of the hotel.

They got a cab and sat quietly as the cabbie drove through the familiar traffic. Jack was busy playing with his phone since he knew that Alex wasn’t really in the mood to talk at the moment so he just left his friend be and continued to amuse himself as the car continued down the road.

When Jack felt the car slow a while later, he glanced out the window to see the familiar landscape come into view as the cab pulled over to the side of the road. They both got out and Jack paid the cabbie before he gave a short nod and then drove off leaving the two boys standing there on the sidewalk in front of the large double iron gates.

Alex took a deep breath as he began walking through the gates and Jack walked silently next to him. Usually he would be bothered and annoyed by the silence but in this circumstance it was different. He didn’t mind the quiet and knew that Alex needed to be with his own thoughts at the moment, he was just there for moral support.

The walk didn’t take that long and soon they were walking off the worn path and onto the grass passing trees and little bushes and fountains trying to make the place look a little better. But to Jack it didn’t help one bit. It screamed overkill and just made it look like the people who owned the place were trying too hard. No one wanted to feel like there were at home when they were at a place like this, and no one really even paid attention to the scenery or décor when they came there.

Soon Alex stopped and took a deep breath as he looked down to the ground. Jack took a step closer so their shoulders were touching and also looked down and he read the too familiar gravestone that was in front of them.



They both continued to stand in silence until they both went to sit at the tree in front of Daniels grave side by side like they always did. And then Alex decided that it was time to break the silence, probably needing a distraction from his thoughts.

“So, what’s up with you and Sophia?” He asked resting his head on the tree and glancing at Jack.

“I don’t know, at the moment we’re still just trying to catch up on everything we’ve missed out on in the last ten years.” Jack replied. But in all honesty, he had felt her pulling away recently. Sure it’s been about two weeks but they were inseparable for the first week and then halfway through the second she seemed to be acting weird.

Alex rolled his eyes. “Yes I get that but what about before? When you were kids? There’s obvious chemistry between you two. Did you ever think that you two could be more? I see the way you look at her.”

“I don’t know, maybe.” Jack sighed and ran his hand through his hair. “When we were kids I was mostly making sure that she didn’t have a meltdown after everything that happened when she was a kid. Between losing her hearing and her mom, she was one of those people you figured would have a melt down and become one of those scary mental people with the bad past. But she never did, but I was always worried that maybe it would happen.”

“What happened with her mom?”

Jack bit his lip as he began to wonder if he should just tell him to let it go. This was Soph’s past and she usually didn’t tell anyone about it unless she completely trusted them. But it’s not like Alex was going to judge her or talk to her about it if he told him. He would probably nod and listen and not bring it up again. He can understand when it comes to hard pasts. Maybe it would be ok to tell him.

After all, it would be nice to have someone to talk to about everything going on with her and have her understand everything that happened when they were little. And who better to talk to about it besides his best friend? Alex knew him better than anyone else did, including his parents and his brother and sister. Whenever he went through something he usually went to Alex first since he trusted him the most.

Finally Jack gave in and said to hell with it, deciding to just tell the boy. He trusted him after all and needed to get everything that had been happening off his chest.

“Soph’s mom didn’t really want kids. At the time she found out she was pregnant with her she was only twenty and in no shape or form ready to have a kid. But because she didn’t support abortion she had Soph. It was as good as it could be when she was born. They lived in Wisconsin but a few months after she was born moved to Maryland. Her mom and her lived with her Grandma since her mom couldn’t raise her alone and after they moved there, her Grandma and my mom got it into their heads that one day we were going to get married.”

Alex snorted and Jack couldn’t help but laugh also remembering when his mom had mentioned it to them when they were about six and how grossed out they had been about it.

“Anyway, everything was fine. Soph was a happy healthy little girl and could hear just fine and we instantly became best friends. I was only three when she moved here but even then my mom and her grandma would get together just so we could play. But when she turned five, she got sick and her mom didn’t think anything about it. Just gave her some medicine, thinking that whatever it was would go away soon.”

“That’s how she lost her hearing,” Alex added as Jack nodded.

“Yeah, finally after she got so sick that it couldn’t be avoided anymore her mom finally took her to the hospital. But it was too late. Her hearing was already gone. She was released out of the hospital about a week or so later and then about two weeks after she got home, her mom left.”

Alex just stared wide eyed at Jack when he said that asking if he was serious. Jack just shrugged and nodded remembering the broken little five year old crying and refusing to see anyone after she had left.

“After that Soph blamed her mom for everything, which I really can’t blame her for. She was part of the reason that she lost her hearing. The doctors had said that she might not have gone deaf if she had brought in on time, but they couldn’t be certain. But her Grandma stepped up to the plate promising to take care of her, but in all honesty, her Grandma had basically raised her since she had been born.”

Alex shook his head, “Then why did she move away?”

“Ah, yes, the best part of my childhood,” Jack replied bitterly as he took another breath trying to rid his mind of all the flashbacks resurfacing. He had worked long and hard to forget about them but now that he was explaining everything, they had come back again.

“When Soph’s mom split, her grandma was about mid 70’s and by the time she was ten, she was turning 80something. And it was getting harder and harder for her to care for Soph. She loved Soph with all her heart and the two got along perfectly together but she reached the point where she couldn’t do it anymore. Raise a ten year old and take care of a house by herself. Soph helped as much as she could but the woman wasn’t getting any younger and reached the point where she realized she couldn’t do it anymore.”

When Jack stopped, he saw Alex glance at him in the corner of his eye picking up on how hard it was for Jack to talk about this. “So she put Soph up for adoption.” Alex continued as Jack nodded.

“Yeah, we were both wrecks when she broke the news to us. She had decided to tell us both together hoping that it might be a little easier if both of us were there. But we both were living nightmares at that point. I was thirteen thinking I was so grown up and responsible that I threatened at one point that if she did this I would take Soph and run away to live on our own. We were so close that we couldn’t even imagine spending two days apart, let alone not living next to each other anymore.”

Jack shook his head, “At one point I even begged my mom to adopt Soph so that she didn’t have to move away. But even with all the begging and pleading my mom couldn’t do it, and I understand that now and don’t hate her anymore for it. So anyway, soon after a family adopted her and she moved away and a few weeks later her grandma moved into an assisted living home and I hadn’t heard anything from them since until two weeks ago.”

“What happened to her grandma?” Alex asked as he glanced out into the distance watching as two birds chased each other in the air.

“Soph told me she died two years later.” Jack whispered as he tried to force all the images away again. But he couldn’t. It was like a floodgate opening, spilling all the memories into his mind as they flashed in his mind like a movie on fast forward.

Soph’s cries as she was taken to the car when she moved away. The pleading look she gave him begging him to do anything to stop all this from happening, and the feeling of dread as he just stood there watching as the car drove farther and farther down the street.

A hand touching his arm was the only thing pulling him from his thoughts and he glanced up to see Alex with sad smile on his face.

“Fuck, I think we need a beer.” He said.

Jack nodded eagerly, anything to get these images back into their proper place out of his mind. “Please,”

They both stood and Alex took a few steps forward to say his last goodbyes to his brother before turning back to Jack and they both started to walk towards the entrance. There was a little pub they usually always went to after the visited Daniels grave so they knew exactly where they were going without asking each other.

“You know,” Jack said they continued down the walk. “One good thing did come out of everything that happened.”

“Mm, and what would that be?” Alex asked with a tone that suggested he was answering just to humor Jack.

“If Soph didn’t move away, I probably wouldn’t have made any other real friends in school.” He replied suggesting that he wouldn’t have even met Alex.

Alex nodded in understanding as Jack caught the familiar mischievous glint in his eye. “And then we would actually have a guitarist who could actually play in our band.”

“You’re an ass,”

“True, but enough talking,” Alex said as he pulled open the door to the pub. “It’s time to drink.”

Jack just smiled and walked inside with Alex behind him thankful that he was able to tell someone about everything he hadn’t wanted to when he was a kid.