This Is Torturous

That Friday, The Maine had a show in Tempe at The Clubhouse. I wasn't too excited to go because of the fact Erika was hit by a drunk driver right outside the door. I hadn't told John that detail when I told him about that night. I hadn't been back to the venue since the accident, knowing it would be the only thing I'd be able to think of the whole time I was there. I so badly wanted to stay home, under the covers, but I knew I couldn't do that.

For the fear of facing my demons in the front, I entered the venue through the back when I got there. The guys had been there maybe two hours already, but I had to work, so I jetted over as soon as I could.

“Hey, Sparrow.” I heard behind me. At almost lightning speed, I turned around and saw Jared, “Whoa, what's up? You seem spooked.”

I swallowed the little saliva left in my dry mouth and shook my head, “It's nothing.”

He smiled, accepting my answer, “Well, come on, let's go find everyone else.” I was glad he showed up because I would not have been able to fine everyone had he not been there.

We walked into a room down the hall, where it seemed everyone was. My eyes instantly landed on John, who had just taken a shot of something as soon as I walked in. I knew he liked to get loosened up before a show, I just hoped he didn't get out of control.

“Look who I found roaming the halls.” Jared announced to the room. All eyes landed on me.

John's were the only ones that lit up when he realized who Jared was talking about, though. His long legs brought him to stand right in front of me, “Hello, Ladybird.” I tried to smile, but it only came out as a grimace. His smile dropped, “What's wrong?”

Quickly, I shook my head, “Nothing. My mind is just getting too deep again.” His brow creased in worry, so I quickly backtracked, “Not about us – about something else.”

His arms wound around my shoulders, “About what?” He asked then nuzzled into my neck.

Shaking my head, I hugged him back, “Nothing, Dear.”

He leaned back, resting his hands on my hips. His eyes burned into mine, “I'm going to get it out of you sooner or later.”

Quickly, I pecked his lips, “I'll tell you tonight, I promise.”

He nodded with a smile, “Good.” He laced his fingers through mine, “How was your day?”

I thought back to my day at work. I had spent most of the day trying to keep my mind occupied, so I wouldn't have to think about the coming night. To no avail, it was the only thing I thought about, “It was okay.” I shrugged, “I missed you all day since we haven't had a lot of time together the last few days.” I pouted.

It was true, our time together since I came clean about my panic attack had been scarce. The band had been practicing the last few days, and I had been working a lot at the store ever since Winter came in and told me she wanted to move the store to a bigger space across the street. She was flying in the next week to meet with banks and investors to get the ball rolling.

She was finally going to expand to other states as well. She just needed to get her name out there more. Starting with the Las Vegas Pool Trade Show. It was at the beginning of February and she planned to go and try and get some buyers. To get ready for that, she had me doing paperwork and talking to our pattern makers about more designs. Taxes were also coming up, so I was making sure everything looked good in the company.

John wound his arms around my shoulders again and rested his chin on top of my head, “I missed you, too. I hate how busy the two of us have been.”

I nodded, lightly trailing my nails against his spine through his thin t-shirt, “Especially with you leaving on Monday.”

He leaned down and kissed me then squeezed my hand, “I'm sorry, Ladybird.”

I smiled softly at him, “It's fine. We gotta do what we gotta do.”

Doors opened at six and the show started at seven. They were the only band playing, so at around six-forty, I made my way into the crowd to find Ryder, who was attending the show with his boyfriend, Shawn. Girls were staring at me purely because I walked in from the backstage entrance. With every step I took, the dirtier the looks I got.

John and I had done our very best to conceal our relationship because he knew his fans would have a field day knowing he wasn't single. John was always a very private person when it came to sharing his life with his fans. To my knowledge, no one knew about me or our relationship. To the fans, John was the single guy they knew him to be, not engaged to be married. If they were to find out, I was sure all hell would break loose and every little girl would send me hate mail, telling me they thought they would be better for him than I was.I It scared me to think of the possibility of it getting out.

Ryder was in the far back, behind the bar when he saw me approaching. I knew he noticed the look of panic in my eyes just by how concerned he sounded, “What's wrong?” He asked as soon as I was in earshot.

I shook my head, “There's just so many bad memories here.”

He frowned then nodded, “I know. For me, too.”

“Is this your first time back here?” Shawn asked from next to his boyfriend, to which I nodded.

“I vowed never to return, but then they booked a show here.” I said over the house music.

“Does John know this was the venue?” I shook my head at Ryder and he looked at me disapprovingly, “Sparrow, you're going to ma-”

I cut him off by placing my hand over his mouth, “Shh!” I scolded then looked around to see if anyone was eavesdropping. I noticed a girl a couple feet away with two other girls, watching me. When she noticed me looking back at her, she shifted awkwardly and averted her gaze, “You need to watch what you say about me and you-know-who, or I'm going to get stabbed in the parking lot.” Dropping my hand, I waited for him to say something.

Ryder shot me a glare, “Why the hell did you get yourself involved with someone that has psycho fans?”

I chuckled, “I didn't know when I met him. Sorry!”

The house music cut off, then, and the lights went out. Everyone in the venue started screaming. The guys all walked out on the stage silently. I was smiling so wide as I watched John introduce themselves, “Good evening, we are The Maine and this is our new album “Pioneer”.”

Ryder turned to me just as soon as the guys finished “Waiting For My Sun To Shine”, knowing it was their last. I was too busy watching John and smiling like a fool to notice. John's eyes scanned the crowd then met with mine. A wide smile spread across his face and he brought his hand up to his lips to blow me a kiss. I blew one right back. He walked off the stage after that.

“You guys are disgustingly cute.” Shawn said, observing my relationship with my fiance.

Turning to my best friend and his boyfriend, I laughed, “Shut up!”

“It's so true, Sparrow. He is so in love with you.” Ryder said, sounding genuinely happy for me.

I smiled again, but Ryder's face dropped, “What?” I questioned.

“There are a lot of girls glaring daggers at you right now.”

This was it. People were going to find out. I closed my eyes with a sigh, “Shit.”

“Sparrow, Sweetie!” I turned and saw Jenny approaching me with her arms outstretched, “I haven't seen you since Christmas!” She wrapped her long arms around me.

“I know, I'm sorry!” I said as I hugged her back, “I've been so busy with work lately. I was lucky enough to get off for tonight.”

She clucked her tongue, “I bet you've been busy dreaming up a wedding now that you're engaged.” My eyes widened at her tone of voice, “Let me see your ring.” She grabbed my left hand and admired the diamond she helped pick out with her son. “John was right; this one is totally you.” She looked up and smiled at me, “There was another one we were looking at, but John saw this one and that was that.”

I smiled; John knew me so well, “It's a very beautiful ring.” My eyes glanced at the crowd behind her. So many girls were watching us. Surely everyone put everything together.

“So, have you set a date, yet?”

Nervously, I chuckled, “Uh, no, not exactly. We decided on next year, though. Probably spring, before it gets too hot.”

She nodded, “Yes, that's smart. Those boys are very busy this year.”

I nodded along with her, “Yes, very. Their hard work sure did pay off.”

Eagerly, she nodded, “Well, I hope you enjoy your night. I'll talk to you after.”

I nodded again, “Okay. Definitely.”

As soon as Jenny was gone, Ryder leaned down to speak in my hear, “I think your secret is out.” With a sigh, I nodded. It was only a matter of time.

Just as soon as John finished singing “Into Your Arms” by himself, acoustically, I turned to Ryder and Shawn to tell them to hold on while I went to talk to him. They agreed and I made my way backstage.

“Hello, my beautiful fiance.” John called out as soon as I walked through the door. He lifted his arms out when I got near him and wrapped them around me,.

My face pressed into his chest as I laughed, “Hello to you, too.” I smiled up at him, “You did good tonight. You were on your A-game.”

He chuckled, “Of course I was; you were watching me.”

I shook my head with another laugh before he leaned down and kissed me, “You look extremely beautiful tonight, by the way.”

I smiled at the compliment, feeling my insides flutter, “Thank you.”

“John, Honey.” He looked up at his mother's voice coming through the door. I looked over my shoulder at her, seeing as we were still in our embrace.

“Hi, Mom.” He let go of me to hug her and his father, who followed Jenny in.

“We just wanted to come say “hi” before we left.” She explained.

Letting them talk, I turned to scan the room. Garrett was sitting on the couch by himself, so I went to sit next to him while John conversed with his parents, “Hey, Garrett.”

He looked up from his phone as I sat down, “Hi, how are you?”

I shrugged, “Been better.”

“Why? What's wrong?” I'm sure he was just being polite, but I took the opportunity to actually let some of my thoughts and feelings out.

With a long breath, I sighed, “I'm just having crazy anxiety.”

His brow furrowed in confusion, “Why...?”

I glanced over at John to see him completely immersed in a conversation he was having with his dad. “This is the venue where Erika got hit by that car.” Garrett's eyes widened, “I haven't been back since then and I haven't been able to stop replaying that night in my head.” I don't think he was expecting me to be so open about my troubles, but I couldn't help it.

“Dude, Sparrow, that's really rough. Does John know?” I glanced over at him again then back at Garrett, shaking my head, “Why not?”

“I didn't want him to worry. I'll tell him when we get home.” Just then, Larry, their tour manager, came in and told them the meet and greet was ready for them. “I'll talk to you after.” I told Garrett before we both stood up.

John was watching me when I turned towards him. When he noticed my stare, he reached his hand out, which I gently laced my fingers with.

“Okay, well, we'll see you tomorrow.” Jenny said then turned to me, “It was nice seeing you, Sparrow.” She leaned over and gave me a hug.

“You, too.” I responded politely. “Bye, Jay.” I said to his dad, to which he responded with a pleasant “goodnight, Sparrow.”

John turned to me once they were gone, “Wait for me?”

I laughed, “I think it would be messed up not to since I'm your ride home.”

He laughed then leaned down and kissed me, “I love you.”

Hearing those words would never get old. “I love you, too.” And I had been having doubts a few days prior.

I walked out a few minutes after the guys so I wouldn't draw attention to myself. Ryder was near the merch booth where Peter was patiently waiting for the night to be over.

“I was wondering where you were.” Ryder said when I approached him and Shawn again.

“I didn't want to walk out with them. Every single girl would be glaring at me if I did.”

They laughed, “Just wait until these girls stalk you on the internet.” Shawn said, “There is nothing scarier than an anonymous girl hiding behind her computer.”

I groaned, “Putting all my shit on private when I get home.”

They laughed again, “Well as much as we want to hang out, we have plans to see a late movie.”

I scoffed, “Seriously?” They nodded, “Nothing even came out today!”

“So?”

I laughed, “Whatever. Have fun, you two.” Ryder gave me a hug before they were both out the door.

With a sigh, I looked at the long line of giddy girls, excited to meet my friends. It was weird knowing all these girls girls worshipped five ordinary guys. If only they all knew just how normal they were.

Realizing how long I would be waiting, I moseyed on over to Peter, “Hey girl, I haven't seen you in a while.” He greeted while he handed a girl ten dollars in change. The girl looked at me with interest then gathered up her belongings and moved back in line.

“I know.” I pouted, “Sorry I couldn't go to Max's last night; I was working.”

He shrugged, “It's cool. How have you been? I heard someone popped the question.”

With a chuckle, I nodded, “At midnight on New Year's.”

“What a cliché bastard.” I laughed again.

Another girl walked up, asking for a poster than started debating on if she wanted to get the sweater or baseball tee, “What do you suggest?” She asked Peter. He turned and looked at the two pieces of merch.

“Hmm... either would be good.”

I rolled my eyes at his answer, “The sweater is super soft and comfy.” I spoke up.

The girl who was no more than seventeen looked at me, “Really?”

I nodded, “I wear mine often.”

She nodded, 'Okay, can I get the sweater in a medium?” Peter pulled out a sweater from the tub and set it on the table. As soon as she handed him the money and had everything, she turned to me, “Thanks for your advice.”

I smiled, “No problem, Sweetie.”

“You're really pretty.”

I was a little shocked by how nice this girl was being to me, “Oh, thank you.” She walked back to her friends after that.

“If only that girl knew who you're marrying.”

I shot Peter an unamused look, “Shut up.”

I sat and bullshitted with Peter while I waited for the guys to be done with their meet and greet. Not until eleven-thirty was everyone out of the venue. All of the gear was already packed away in the trailer, so it made things a lot easier. I helped Peter pack away merch while the boys went back to get their belongings.

“Hey, Ladybird.”

I looked up from the pile of shirts I was counting and smiled, “Hey.” I looked back down at my task and continued counting.

“Yo, Peter, do you have my girl doing your job?” I smirked as I counted under my breath.

“Hey, Man, she offered and I accepted.” Peter defended, holding his hands up.

“Eighty-seven.” I said, dropping the pile back in the box. Peter nodded and wrote it down, “Are you ready to go?” I questioned John, who was leaning against the table, watching me.

“Yup. All I need now is my beautiful fiance.”

“Bro, when did you get so sappy?”

John shot me a look then turned back to his friend, “Shut the fuck up.” I laughed at the both of them then rounded the table. John handed me my purse then laced his fingers with mine.

“Bye, Peter.” I said.

“Bye, Sparrow. Thanks for your help.”

“No problem.”

“Bye, Dude.” He said to John.

“See ya.”

We headed for the door, hand in hand, “Are you hungry?” He asked when we got closer. I was panicking inside. I was going to have to face my demons, “Sparrow?”

“Hm?” I turned to him, not hearing anything he had said.

He laughed lightly, leading me out the door, “I asked if you were hungry.”

My stomach was aching too much to even think about good, “Uh, no, but we can stop somewhere if you are.”

His brow furrowed, “Are you okay?” We were walking on the sidewalk where I was standing when everything happened. Shaking my head, my eyes filled with tears, “Babe, what's wrong? You're shaking.”

The only thing I could see when I squeezed my eyes shut was Erika's body flying through the air, “I need to get away from the venue.” I opened my eyes and looked toward the street.

Once again, John was looking at me with complete concern. I hated making him worry, “Okay, we're leaving. Where did you park?”

Lifting a shaky hand, I pointed to the parking lot around the building, “Over there.”

“Okay, come on. I'll drive.” I nodded and tried to wipe my tears away, “You're freaking me out again, Babe.” He said in a low voice as he led me to where my Jeep was parked.

“I know, I'm sorry.” When we rounded the corner, we saw a few girls waiting around.

“Shit.” He muttered. Why was this happening? “Give me your keys.” I reached into my bag that was hanging next to my thigh and searched for my car keys. Just as I extracted them, a girl called out his name. “Hello, Ladies.” I squeezed my eyes shut again, willing the images and tears away.

“Can I get a picture with you?” The girl asked as we passed by.

“I'm really sorry, but my friend isn't feeling that hot right now, so I have to drive her home.” I heard a few of them “awh” at him, but I didn't even care; I just wanted to leave. “I'm sorry. Have a wonderful evening.” I couldn't help but chuckle despite how horrible I was feeling; he always tried to speak so eloquently to his fans, like a true gentleman.

When we finally made it to the car, he helped me in the passenger's seat then ran around to get in the driver's.

“I'm pretty sure all of those girls hate me for taking you away.” I laughed weakly, wiping at my face.

“No, they don't.” He said, twisting the key in the ignition.

“I'm also pretty sure some girls figured our secret out.”

He turned to me in confusion, “Why do you say that?”

“I was getting crazy mad dog looks.” I sniffed.

He rolled his eyes, “That's not what's even important right now. Are you okay?”

I nodded, shakily, “I'm going to be fine as soon as I get home.”

“What was that?” We were sitting in the parking lot. The car was on, the heater blowing on my feet and the stereo playing the new Sleigh Bells single.

Inhaling a shaky breath, I held it for a few seconds to calm my anxiety, “This is the venue where Erika died.”

John's grip on the steering wheel tightened as his eyes widened, “Oh my God.” He muttered to himself.

“I haven't been back here since that night. It was just a lot to take in.” My eyes were filling with tears again. Reaching my hand to my face, I rubbed at my raw eyes.

John's hand reached over and took hold of my left hand, bring it away from my face, “Sparrow, why didn't you tell me before?”

I shrugged, “I couldn't tell you and have you all worried bout me. I'm just being a baby.”

He scoffed, “No, you're not! Something extremely traumatic happened to you here. You watched your best friend get hit by a car! You're not being a baby.”

I didn't want to talk about it anymore. I was tired of only seeing that in my mind. And I was tired of John being so worried and concerned about me, “Can we just leave, please?” I asked, defeated.

He looked at me for a long while before nodding and putting the Jeep in drive, pulling out onto the street.

I had nightmares all night.