This Is Torturous

I felt out of it when John left. I had just gotten used to him being there again and then he was gone for another month. There was a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, but I pushed it aside as loneliness.

Ryder came and stayed with me the first night. He always liked to swoop in right when John left. I didn't know if it was for my benefit or his. Knowing Ryder, though, it was all for him.

Tuesday night, when I got home from work, Ryder had our favorite Chinese take out set out on the table. I smiled instantly, “You're too good to me.” My shoes were the first to go, followed by my leather jacket.

“Probably.”

I snorted then sat down next to him on the couch. I was starving and couldn't wait to devour the food on the coffee table, “What're we watching tonight?” I asked before shoving a forkful of noodles into my mouth.

“We, my lonely, best friend, are watching The Virgin Suicides.”

My face scrunched up, “You're making me watch a movie about a group of sheltered sisters off themselves?” He looked at me for a second before turning back to the TV and pressing play. I just laughed at him then went back to shoving food in my mouth.

Half way through the movie, I was lying with my legs kicked up on the table, feeling very bad about the amount of food I inhaled. Ryder was on the internet, dicking around.

I missed John, but there was nothing I could do about it. The foreign tours were the absolute worst because you couldn't call or text. The only way to communicate was over the internet. Facebook seemed to be our best friend when he was across the pond. And when he had time alone, iChat was. I doubted I'd hear from him for a few days, though.

“Uh, Spare?” Ryder said, gaining my attention.

My head lolled to the side so I could look at him, “Hmm?”

“I think people know about you and John.”

I don't think I'd ever moved that fast before. One second I was lying all mangled in a bored manner, and the next I was pressed against his side, looking over his shoulder at the webpage he was on. It was Tumblr, of course. He seemed to be on the John O'Callaghan tracked tag.

“Wait! John has a girlfriend? When did this happen? I'll cut that bitch!”

My eyes widened.

“Holy shit, you guys. My bby has a girlfriend! Doesn't he know we're getting married?”

I read post after post about these girls' reaction to the news that their beloved lead singer was, in fact, taken. Then I got to the first post – the one that started it all. It was a picture of John and I outside of The Clubhouse. I was crying and he was hugging me. Then there was another one of us, walking to my Jeep hand-in-hand.

The text underneath read: “I went to The Maine's hometown Pioneer show on Friday. They were so great. They sounded great, looked great, and seemed very happy. I was standing in the far back because I don't do well pressed up against people, but I still had a great view. Before the guys went on, I noticed John's parents standing a few feet from me. I watched them throughout the show and couldn't help but find them both so adorable.

“When the first set was done, John was, like, searching the crowd for someone. He blew a kiss at this girl that was standing In front of me. I didn't know if it was really to her, but then his mom ran up to her and gave her a huge hug. They talked animatedly about something, I couldn't really hear, though, because they started playing the “mocumentary”.

“Anyways, I kept an eye on her during their acoustic set. She seemed excited to be watching them. She left backstage as soon as the show was over and I didn't see her again until the guys were already doing their meet and greet. She was helping Peter put merch away.” She went on to talk about her interaction with the guys at the meet and greet, so I skipped over it.

“After, I waited around in the parking lot to see if I could get a picture with any of the guys. Jared came out first and happily obliged. The next one we saw was John. He came walking around the building from the front, holding the girl from the crowd's hand! She was crying, so I was curious. When he got closer, this other girl asked him for a picture, but he politely declined and said his “friend” wasn't feeling “too hot” and he was going to take her home. We all awh-ed and he wished us a “wonderful” night.

“They got into a Jeep Liberty and sat there for a little bit before pulling out of the parking lot. She was really pretty, but I can't believe he has a girlfriend. Maybe they're just close?”

Fuck. People knew. I understood that people knew I existed, but I didn't want to really come to terms with it, yet.

Immediately after reading the post, I signed onto Facebook and sent John a message, “Your fans know.”

“Ryder,” He looked at me, “my life is about to get insane. There's going to be death threats put out on me.”

He stared at me before shrugging and taking back the computer, “You got yourself into this when you decided to date the guy. Expect it for the rest of your life now that you're marrying him.”

Glaring at him, I lied back in my previous position, “Thanks.” I sarcastically said.

“Well, are you going to be able to handle this for the rest of your life? Or as long as you're married to Singer Boy?”

I ignored the blow he threw at me and went on to answer his question, “I will. I just won't read anything anyone says about me.”

He gave me a look, “How long is that going to last?”

I shot him a glare then turned back to the movie, “I'm not going to pay it much attention; I don't care.” I was just saying that. I did care. I was freaking out on the inside. I was freaking out big time.

Winter arrived the following day with Archer. I picked her up and drove her to our parents', where she would be staying for the duration of her stay. It was a little after six when we got to our parents' and I knew she was exhausted. Traveling with a one-year-old was definitely not on my list of things to do soon.

Archer was wide awake because she napped on the flight from Dallas to Phoenix. It wasn't a long nap, but Winter said she slept through the whole thing. This meant it would be a while before she went to bed.

We were sat in the living room with our parents, discussing what the next week and a half would entail. It seemed very busy. “Tomorrow, Sparrow, we should sit down at your place and go over some designs and ideas of where we want the brand to go.” Winter said as she scrolled through her calendar on her iPad. Archer was bouncing around between the four of us, making gurgling, baby noises. I was trying to pay attention to my sister, but it was hard when her daughter kept wanting my attention.

“Friday, I have an appointment to look at the space across the street. Saturday, I have a business dinner with a few investors. I have the next days open for whatever. Hopefully it's having dinner with a few rich men.”

“Winter!” Mom yelled as I stifled my laughter.

Archer ran up and pounced on my legs, squealing, then. I squealed back at her, making her smile and bounce on her legs.

“Mom, not like that! I'm hoping the investors will say yes and take me to dinner as a celebration!” I watched in amusement as my mother shot her a look then looked at my father, who shrugged while trying to entertain Archer.

“So, tomorrow, Sparrow,” I turned back to my sister, “I'll be at your place at two.”

“Uh,” I chuckled, “I have work, Win.”

She blinked at me, “Right.” I laughed again, “What time?”

“9:30 to 4:00”

She nodded just as my phone chimed with a Facebook notification from next to me. I opened the app and it went straight to my message with John.

“What do you mean?” It read.

Just as I went to respond, Winter called my name, “Huh?” My head popped up and she laughed.

“Did you hear anything I said?”

Sheepishly, I shook my head, “No, I'm sorry. What did you say?”

“I said I would be at your place at five with dinner.”

I nodded then looked back down at my phone, “There's pictures of us from the show last week on tumblr.”

“Sparrow!” My head popped up again, this time to look at my mother, “What is so important on that phone that you can't put it down for an hour to spend time with your family?”

My phone binged with a response from John, “I know, I'm sorry, Mom. It's just, John's messaging me on Facebook. It's the first time I've heard from him since he left on Monday.”

Winter smiled knowingly at me while my mother nodded. My father was paying no attention, instead, continuing to play with Archer.

“Well then tell him we said “hello”.” Mom smiled and with a grin, I turned back to my phone.

“Shit. Should we deny it?”

I let out a chuckle before typing back, “Your fans aren't stupid. Let them figure it out, I guess. Do what you think is best, though.” Dropping my phone back into my lap, I leaned back into the plush cushions of the couch.

“He's gone for a month, right?” Winter questioned.

I nodded with a heavy sigh, “Yeah.”

“What are his tour plans for the rest of the year?” My dad finally joined in on the conversation.

“He said they're going to The Philippines again then flying down to Australia for a week or something to open for Taking Back Sunday again.”

My mother smiled widely, “How exciting to travel all over the world to play your music for people.”

I had to agree with her; it was exciting, very exciting. I couldn't help, but miss him when he was gone, though, “Yeah, it's really great. They're going all over the place with this album. I'm really proud that they even got it out; their record label has been so horrible to them.”

I couldn't help but remember the nights John would lie in bed, feeling hopeless and helpless after another full day of Warner Bros. telling them no. I would lie right there with him, weaving my fingers through his hair as he went on and on about how angry he was. It was such a weird experience to see him so vulnerable. It really broke my heart at the time. The boys powered though it, though, and they released the album they wanted to make, and boy was it damn good.

“Record labels are definitely not like they used to be. It's all about how many records you can sell, not about the music you want to make and believe in. The music these days is so horrible, too. I can't believe people listen to that shit.” My dad ranted. We stared at him, mouths agape. “What?” He asked, noticing our looks.

“We didn't know you felt so strongly about the music industry.” Winter said.

“Your dad is a lover of music before almost anything.” Mom said, looking over at him with a loving look.

“Besides you.” He said, giving her the same look. I smiled at how in love they still were after so many years together.

My phone sounded again, “Let's just not say anything? I hardly use the internet for fan interaction anyways. I know you're a lover of all things social. If they find you, ignore them.” I wasn't about to tell him most of them already did.

“Will do. Anyways, how was your flight?”

Before I dropped my phone, I saw that it was a little after seven. I still needed to go home and do laundry and shower. Ryder was staying at Shawn's, so I didn't have to worry about him complaining about where I was.

“I should probably go.” I said, gathering my purse from next to me.

“Okay, Sweetie.” Mom said, getting up from her seat. I hugged her and my dad before leaning down and placing a kiss on Archer's blonde head.

“I'll see you tomorrow, Spare.” Winter said and I nodded.

“Looking forward to it.”

Another message from John popped up Facebook while I dug my keys out of my bag, halfway to my car.

“It was long and I hardly slept. I thought of you most of the time and did some writing.”

I couldn't help the smile that stretched across my lips, “You're such a charmer.” I wrote as soon as I got in my Jeep. “I can't wait until you come home; that bed is so lonely all of a sudden.”

It was weird to think that I had been living on my own in that apartment since I was twenty and John moves in and my bed seems too big when he's gone. It made absolutely no sense to me at all. I guess that's what happens when you miss someone – everything just shifts without their presence.

When I got back home, I immediately locked the door out of habit. Living alone was never my idea of safe. I only did it when I got back from Australia because I had no where else to go and I wasn't about to move back in with my parents.

I pulled my boots off and shed my coat and sweater, changing into one of John's old t-shirts. It was big on me because it was big on him. I never did understand his need to wear shirts two sizes too big. I never really questioned it because it was what drew me to him in the first place.

The laundry was in the washer and I was beginning to get sleepy. It was nine before I finally hopped in the shower. The messages from John had stopped so I assumed he was without wi-fi or was sleeping.

When I was done showering, I threw John's shirt on again, along with a pair of pajama pants, then started another load of laundry. With my computer in my lap, I sat in the middle of the bed and powered it up.

While I waited for it to load, I turned the TV on and checked my phone. I read through tweets and looked through my @replies, which seemed to be from fans of The Maine. They had finally gained the courage to write to me.

“@SparrowLaMour Is that your real name or do you have an obsession with birds?”

My brow furrowed, “What?” I asked myself.

“@SparrowLaMour he's too good for you.”

And you're good enough for him?

“@SparrowLaMour How does it feel to be with someone as good looking as John seeing as you're so ugly?”

I couldn't help it, I read every reply. Every rude insult or comment and every nice compliment telling me I was pretty or glad John had “finally” found someone. It got my mind whirling as I finally got on my computer.

On Tumblr, I had an influx of new followers and a couple dozen messages. They seemed to be the same thing as on Twitter. How long have I been with John? How did we meet? I'm an ugly bitch who is only with him because I'm a whore. Things like that. It was strange how all of these girls knew me and wanted to insult me.

All of the horrible things repeated in my mind. I couldn't help but feel like complete shit about myself.

Not being able to take it anymore, I shut down the computer and set it aside. I felt the immense need to just lie in the dark with my feelings. So I got up, turned the lights off, and got under the covers. My head was not a pretty place that night.