This Is Torturous

I woke up very late that Friday due to the fact that I had yet another restless night. The sun was up before I finally gave in to exhaustion. My eyes were so heavy they couldn't take it anymore.

Sometime around three in the morning, I got a Facebook message from John, but I couldn't bear to look at it. Instead, I tossed around in the sheets, drowning in my own mind. I knew my head could potentially be my worst enemy at times, but I hadn't had to actually deal with the severity of just how dark my thoughts got in a very long time. I knew another panic attack was imminent if I kept it up. It was getting completely exhausting in such a short amount of time.

When I checked my phone, I saw the notification for John's message and a text from Winter. For the fear of what I would succumb to at John's words, I went to my sister's message first.

“Hey, pick me up for dinner at 5:15. Dress nice, but not too formal. Not slutty, but try and work the business men.”

My eyebrows creased; since when was I going to this dinner with her and the potential investors? “Uh, okay. I didn't know I was going...”

Collapsing back into the mattress, I sighed. My body lied horizontally across the bed, with my head on John's pillow. It smelled like him, which only made my stomach churn. I missed him, but I could hardly stomach the thought of talking to him. Why all of a sudden? I didn't want to be feeling like this! Why was I feeling like this?!

Because you're not good enough for him. He deserves someone that wouldn't doubt their relationship if they got married. He deserves someone that would marry him on the spot with no questions asked.

Pressing the heels of my palms into my eyes, I let out a strangled scream. Knock it off! You love him. He loves you. Stop it.

My phone went off, so I picked it up from where I placed it on my chest. “Did you just wake up?” I debated on lying and saying that no, I didn't, I just got around to replying, but before I knew it, my thumbs had typed out “yup” and was pressing “send”.

Figuring I had to man up and see what John said, I tapped on the Facebook app and waited for it to load. The message had come in a little over twelve hours ago, so I didn't think he wouldn't be replying that day, but I really wasn't good with out of country time differences.

“Hey, Ladybird. I think we have a good wi-fi connection tomorrow, so we should iChat so I can see your beautiful face.”

I frowned at his request, feeling sick to my stomach. I really did want to talk to him, hear his voice, but I didn't know if I would be able to put away all of my feelings for however long we were going to be webcamming.

“Yeah, we definitely should! Just tell me when and I'll be there.” Hopefully I sounded enthusiastic enough for him.

When I was slipping a few new bangles I got for Christmas from Clover onto my wrist, my phone alerted me of a new Facebook message. “Can you get on now?”

Looking at the time, I noticed I had a half an hour before I needed to leave. That seemed like enough time to get on, say hi, and get off. “Signing on now.”

As iChat logged me on, I turned off The Daily Mail by Radiohead. Almost immediately after I got on, a chat invitation from John popped up on the screen. I chuckled at his eagerness and clicked accept. I was suddenly excited to see him. This was more like it! Maybe I would feel better about everything if I saw and talked to him.

“Hello my beautiful fiance.” He smiled brightly at the screen. There was a feeling mixed between nervousness and excitement bubbling in the pit of my stomach. I was excited to see him, but nervous because my feeling of dread came back as soon as I heard him say the word “fiance”.

“Hey.” I greeted then picked my Mac up and took it into the bathroom so I could quickly do my makeup.

“What are you doing?” He asked just as I set the computer on top of the tissue holder, to get the camera higher.

“I'm getting ready.” I noticed he was sitting in a dimly lit room, then. I wondered if he was alone or if there was anyone in the room. I took in his disheveled appearance. He was wearing a blue button up with his black suspenders. He did look good. Tired, but good.

“Oh?” He curiously asked. “For what? Got a hot date?”

I smiled at his joke as I rummaged around my makeup case, “Winter has me going with her to the business meeting with the investors.” I explained, rubbing MAC Prep + Prime across my face, getting my skin prepared for the influx of makeup that was about to be lathered across it.

“That sounds... boring.”

Looking at the screen, I shot him a look, “Shmoozing old men? Totally party.” It was a wonder how I was acting this way when all I could feel in me was panic and anxiety.

Look at him. You're pathetically not worth his time.

My smile turned into a grimace as I turned back to the mirror, rubbing foundation into my pale skin.

Look at all of your flaws. He has to be lying when he calls you beautiful.

Closing my eyes, I shook my head, willing the thoughts away.

“Sparrow,” Opening my eyes, I saw John's concerned face looking back at me.

You did that to him. Again. You keep putting that look of worry on his face.

“Are you okay?”

Nodding, I picked up the translucent powder and unscrewed the cap, “I'm perfectly fine. Just got a bit of a headache.” I lied then proceeded to dab the powder on with the brush in my hand. “Tell me about the shows.” I said, changing the subject.

Pulling my NARS blush out, I listened to John start talking about the few shows they'd already played. I was paying attention, adding my input where I saw fit and continued putting my face on. I had reached behind the screen to the cup of q-tips to clean up my liquid eyeliner when he stopped short of his story about almost falling on stage that night. Leaning back, q-tip in hand, I looked at the screen. He was just sitting there, staring at the camera with a harsh glare.

“What?” I questioned in confusion.

“Are you wearing that to dinner?”

With a creased brow, I looked down at the black jeans and black sheer chiffon long sleeve button up I was wearing. What was wrong with it? “Uh, yeah?”

“Don't you think it's a little inappropriate for a business meeting?”

Taking a step back, I grew more confused at his anger, “What? Why?”

His eyes seemed to widen, “You don't think the fact that I can see that you're wearing a fucking red bra isn't inappropriate, Sparrow?!” He exclaimed.

I rolled my eyes, “You can barely see it, John.” The front breast pockets weren't sheer. The back top half wasn't either.

“You still can, Sparrow. I don't feel comfortable with my fiance walking around showing off her bra and a bunch of skin.”

“Well what the fuck are you going to do about it? You're in fucking Europe and I'm here in Arizona.” My annoyance had turned into anger in what seemed like half a second. I couldn't remember the last time I was this angry with John.

“Well excuse the fuck out of me if I don't like that my fiance looks like a whore going out to dinner with a few old men. Are you putting your body on display for them? Trying to get them to invest in your clothing line if you show them a little bit?” He was fuming. I had never heard anything that venomously spill out of his mouth before. It upset me tremendously.

Tears were about to spill over onto my freshly made up face. He saw how upset I was and how ridiculous he was being, features softening, “Sparrow,” He started with a guilty expression on his face.

Shaking my head, I sniffed, letting a few tears fall, “Fuck you.” I said before hitting Command + Q on my keyboard, closing the program and ending our call.

I stood, staring at the wallpaper of my computer as tears rolled down my cheeks. It was a picture of the two of us from New Years Eve. I was sitting in John's lap with the biggest smile on my face, my hands wrapped around his neck as I looked at his smiling face. I remembered it was only about fifteen minutes after he proposed and I was on cloud nine. Funny how everything changed in two weeks. How could we ever get married if I was feeling so horrible only two weeks into the engagement? Having this fight sure wasn't helping anything either.

Bending over, I let the tears fall out of my eyes so they wouldn't mess up my makeup anymore than they already had. Wiping under my eyes with the tips of my fingers, I felt the absolute worst I'd felt the whole time I'd been with John. The stress of the engagement only added to it. I couldn't stand to even think about him. What he said hurt. I never thought John could ever be so nasty to me. I didn't understand what caused him to be so mean to me. I couldn't remember the last time he was that mean. It was probably when he brought up Erika when I went to visit them when they were recording at the beginning of the previous year. Just like this time, he had immediately saw his mistake and rushed to apologize, but I couldn't forgive him that easily this time, especially with all of the doubt filling my head.

“Whoa, you look like shit.” Winter said when she hopped in my Jeep outside of our parents'.

“I feel like it, too.” I confessed as she shut the door. Pulling back onto the road, I sighed, “I got into a huge fight with John before I left. I tried not to mess up my makeup because I was crying, but it didn't really work. I had to redo most of it.”

Her jaw dropped, “What? You guys are perfect! How are you fighting?” I explained what he said to me which only got her blood boiling. “Oh man, if he wasn't in Europe, his ass would be mine. I'm going to give that boy a piece of my mind.” She ripped her phone out of her purse, but I stopped her before she could do anything.

“No, don't. We need to forget about it and have this dinner. It's important and something as stupid as a fight with my fiance isn't going to jeopardize it.” If only I could take my own advice.

The whole time I sat at that table in the fancy steakhouse in Tempe, all I could think about were the words John said to me so venomously.

See, you're a no good for nothing whore. He's seeing that now. He'll be gone before you know it.

I wouldn't doubt it.