This Is Torturous

The first day of the Pool Trade Show went extremely well. Winter was networking with a lot of people and people were stopping at our booth all day. We never had a lull, which was great for me because I needed something to keep my attention, seeing as all I could think about was the phone call I had with John the day prior.

I had gotten a few hours of sleep before flipping through the channels and ending up on that night's Conan on TBS. I slept for another two hours, waking up at 5:30 to get ready so Winter had enough time as well. She seemed to know something was wrong when I declined dinner, making her just call down to room service. I was living mostly on Starbucks coffee and whatever I picked at.

We'd just left the Mandalay Bay when Winter decided we should do something. I had pretty much no energy whatsoever, but needed to try and put on a show to show her I was fine, so I agreed. What was there to do, though, in Vegas for someone who didn't drink?

In the end, we ended up at Harrah's to have dinner at Toby Keith's I Love This Bar and Grill. I guessed Winter had eaten there before and wanted to go back, claiming their food was actually really good. I obliged and sat down in the dimly lit restaurant that had Toby Keith's face plastered all over the walls and country music blaring above head.

Winter ordered a drink from the bar while I got a water. I knew she wouldn't get drunk when she had work to do the next day and was only using it to unwind from the busy day we had. When it came time to order, I got the crispy chicken salad and she got the spicy chicken wrap. I chuckled at our love for chicken and took a sip of the water sitting in a mason jar in front of me.

There was a semi-awkward silence between us as I tore at the paper that held the silverware wrapped in the napkin. Suddenly, Winter cleared her throat and my eyes shifted up to meet hers, “Are you ever going to tell me what else is going on with you? You look like a completely different person than I saw you three weeks ago.”

Had it only been three weeks John was gone? How had I completely destroyed myself in such a short amount of time? I guess when you're on the path to destruction, it doesn't take much to get there.

“I talked to John yesterday...” The look she gave me told me that was everyday news to her. What was so special about it? I then remembered she had no idea I wasn't exactly wanting to talk to him lately. “About not being pregnant.” I clarified and her whole demeanor changed.

Her body straighten up and she dropped her hand that was holding her head up. With a raised eyebrow, she let out an “oh?” and I nodded, “How did he take the news? Was he totally relieved?”

I pursed my lips, “Not exactly. He seemed bummed that I'm not having a baby. I'm completely baffled by the whole thing. He was saying how cool it would have been to have a mini us by the end of the year and that it wouldn't be so bad.” I shook my head, still confused by his reaction.

“Aw,” Winter cooed and I immediately shot her an incredulous look, “He just wants you to have his babies. He's excited for your future together! It's good that he didn't freak out; it shows that he really loves you. That's so cute.” She wouldn't stop gushing and I couldn't get the screwed up, confused look off my face.

“Obviously you both don't realize that he's never home and I would have been stuck raising our “mini us” by myself while he's off gallivanting around the world.” My chest heaved for air, having spouted off my feelings in one single breath. Clearly, I was a little upset over the situation.

“Whoa there, Sparrow, stop eating so many lemons.” I rolled my eyes and leaned forward, tearing apart my napkin bitterly, “Just calm down. You're not even pregnant, so you're getting worked up over nothing.”

She was right and I knew that, I just couldn't help but be stuck in that mindset of bitterness towards John's reaction still. I needed a few days to settle down and get over the whole pregnancy scare. Soon enough it would be a thing of the past.

I was gazing off, staring at one of the flat screens hanging around the restaurant, but not paying attention to the music video on the screen. I was in a daze, but that seemed to be happening a lot more often. Winter brought me back down to reality when she started talking about our sisters.

“Have you talked to Ryver lately?” I shook my head, “She moved in with Joshua.”

My eyes widened, “What? Seriously?” She nodded, spreading honey butter on a corn muffin. “Oh my god, she's absolutely mental. How is she just not a lesbian anymore and shacking up with guys in New York?”

Winter shrugged, “I think this is good for her. She's really happy with this guy and is floating on cloud nine twentyfour-seven. When she was with Jenn, they did the same boring things all the time. They were stuck in a routine. They were too comfortable with each other and it killed them.”

The familiar feeling of my stomach dropping caused me to frown. Getting too comfortable with John was one of my fears. Being in a routine with him scared me to the point of panic. It happened all the time. You get married, you get comfortable, and the spark goes out. I didn't want that to happen with us because I loved him too much. I couldn't imagine my life without him because he made me a completely better person (when I wasn't panicking). I couldn't watch our relationship turn into a dud, eventually causing us to fight over stupid, little things, ultimately ending it. I wouldn't let that happen.

Clearing my throat, I willed my tears away. As I shifted in my seat, I let out a tiny sigh. I just wanted to see John and tell him all of my fears. I wanted him to reassure me things would be fine. Why was my mind so damn conflicting? One second I can't stand the thought of talking to John and the next that's all I want to do.

“Hey, Win,” She looked up at me from her phone, “do you ever feel like you're in a routine with Milo?”

She blinked, obviously not expecting my question, “Sometimes. Not as often now that we have Archer. It's good to get a little comfortable with someone. How else are you going to build a life with them if you can't even let them know things you normally wouldn't tell anyone? All the gross shit. Milo is my best friend and I tell him everything. We're completely comfortable in that sense, but that's not a bad thing in our case. With Ryver and Jenn, they weren't trying to fix it. They thought they couldn't, which maybe was true.”

I tried to take in her words, but to me she was just talking in circles,

“Do you tell John everything?” Wow, what a stab to the heart.

“When he's in the country. He's mainly the first person I call when something happens.”

“Good. But do you tell him every gross detail? Like when you start your period? Or do you not care if you miss a day of shaving?”

My face screwed up in disgust, “I don't want to talk about this anymore; it's giving me anxiety.”

Winter laughed, “Why?!”

“Because I don't want to get comfortable with John. I don't want that to happen and we get boring. I want things to be exciting and new. We're good together the way we are, why do we have to get married and change everything?” My eyes widened as I realized what just left my lips.

Winter seemed to have had the same reaction, “You don't want to marry John anymore?”

I sighed, dropping my head into my hands, “I do. Just not now. I can't stand the thought of it right now. It terrifies the absolute living shit out of me.” I confessed.

“Is that what's going on with you?”

Meekly, I nodded, “I don't want to get married, yet. I'm having the worst commitment issues. I love John, I really do, and I know he loves me, but I can't help but feel like he's playing me just like every other guy I've been with.”

“Yeah, but John isn't like that. He's so madly, hopelessly, completely in love with you! He wants you to be the mother of his children for fuck's sake.”

I groaned, a headache forming behind my eyes, “I know. I can't tell you why the hell I'm feeling like this, but I keep coming up with all of these reasons why we shouldn't get married.” I felt so hopeless and defeated. I bet I looked it, too.

Winter looked at me sympathetically, “If you're not ready, then you're not ready. It's a simple as that. If it's eating away at you like it is then you need to let John know.”

I swallowed and shook my head, “It would crush him, Win.”

“Look at you, though! You're wasting away, panicking over it. Your health is at risk, Sparrow. You're going to kill yourself if you keep it up.” Everything was always a lot more easier said than done.

By the time we got done with dinner, it was only a little after nine and Winter didn't want to go back to our room yet. I didn't really either because it would just result in me lying there the rest of the night, watching TV. She had the idea to get tattoos, so I agreed to go with her.

The last tattoo I had gotten was over the summer. John was in Texas and I had the urge to get one. So I called up Ryder, who was totally for it, and we went to a shop by the college. I walked out with a small ladybug (AKA ladybird) on my right wrist of my right wrist and he left with “if you're a dreamer, come in” in my cursive on his right forearm, more toward his elbow. It was from the opening line of “Invitation” by Shel Silverstein and I was flattered that he asked me to write it out for him.

Not until we were standing in the tattoo shop did I realize that I wanted to get a new one. I liked tattoos and had four already, so why not add more? I hadn't even been paying attention to what Winter was saying to the guy at the counter. All I could think and focus on was the idea floating around my head. I always thought of the idea of getting a sparrow since it was my name, but never really put too much thought into it.

I realized Winter was talking to me when I noticed she was staring at me. “Huh?” I asked stupidly and she rolled her eyes with a light chuckle.

“I asked you if you were going to get something?”

Glancing over, I realized the artist was watching me, waiting for an answer, “Uhm, I was thinking about a sparrow on a branch on my shoulder.”

The man nodded, “Okay, cool.” He nodded then smiled, extending his arm out, palm up, “I have a sparrow on my arm. Did you know they mate for life and always return home no matter how far they travel?”

My stomach dropped, “Oh, really?”

He nodded, “Yeah. They symbolize love, dedication, and trust.”

The sinking in my stomach got lower. Winter noticed the shift in my mood and was looking at me in concern. I didn't feel comfortable getting a tattoo that would represent something I wasn't exactly feeling at that moment. “Oh, how about something different? I'm not quite ready for that one, yet.”

He nodded, not even phased by my sudden change of mind, “Okay, well I'm going to go draw hers up and you can figure out if you want something else.” The man walked away to the back of the shop and I sighed.

“What's up, Sparrow?”

I shook my head, “It's nothing.” She looked at me uncertainly, but let it go, “You know how Dad used to take us to the park all the time when we were little to fly the kites Mom would let us make?” Winter smiled fondly and nodded, “The four of us should get matching kite tattoos.”

Her eyes brightened and she nodded, “We should all do it together!”

“But when are we all ever together anymore?”

“We might have to wait until the holidays since that seems like the only time we're all together.” She frowned, “I miss all of us hanging out and going to lunch on Tuesdays.”

I nodded sadly in agreement, “You guys are the ones that left!”

She scoffed, “For good reasons.”

I rolled my eyes playfully, “Whatever.”

It was a few more minutes before the man came back, carrying a clipboard with paperwork to fill out. “Did you figure it out?” He asked after he handed Winter the clipboard.

“Yeah. I want a tiny heart on the nape of my neck, right at the hairline.”

“How tiny are we talking?”

“A little bigger than a pea.”

“You sure? The minimum is $80, so is there anything else you want?”

Pursing my lips, I ran through the list I had in my head, “Why don't you do hers and I'll let you know?”

He nodded and turned to Winter, “I'm going to go set up, so it should be much longer.”

Winter nodded, “Okay, awesome.”

My legs were beginning to ache, so I sat down on one of the benches pressed against the wall. Winter followed suit and sat down next to me. In my head, I was still going through every tattoo I'd ever felt like getting. Lyrics to songs that meant a lot to me, art that I connected with, and just ideas that I had come up with. I just couldn't see getting anything that would be happy when all I was feeling was anything but.

Leaning back, I closed my eyes. I didn't know how much longer I would last before the lack of sleep would ruin my body. I was so tired. Emotionally and physically.

As I ran through my emotions in my head again and again, the Grizzly Bear song “Alligator” popped up. “It's a fear, it is near. The shriek becomes ever clear. It bares teeth, extra sharp, that'll cut you in the heart. It attacks really quick, try and fight it with a stick. It's no use, give it up, this is life and this is love. You are my alligator.”

I'd been obsessed with the song ever since I heard one Winter back during Senior year of high school. The lyrics always hit home for me for some reason. Maybe because all of my life, love had been a bitch to me. Life had been a bit, too. It was a fear now. John was my alligator. I didn't mean for him to be, it just happened.

Never in my life did I wish to feel like I would be betrayed by someone who I knew would never do that. There was still that voice, though, in the back of my head, telling me someone like John would never want to spend the rest of his life with someone like me. Someone that hurts the one they love, ultimately hurting themselves. Why couldn't I just be happy? All I wanted in life was to be happy.

Taking a deep breath, I held it in my chest. It stayed there for a few long seconds before I let it out and wiped at my watery eyes.

“Hey,” Winter said softly, gaining my attention, “it's going to be fine.” I just looked at her with sad eyes, feeling hopeless.

“So? Decide on anything?” Kyle, the tattooer, asked as Winter ran off to check her tattoo out in the mirror.

Not until it was done, did I see what she was getting. It was a large feather on her right side, right on her ribs. There were three long arrows going through it. She said each one represented Milo, Archer, and herself. I thought it was sweet she did it and very fitting for her life.

I nodded at Kyle with a shaky breath, “This is life and this is love” on the inside of my left arm.” He nodded before Winter came back, a giant smile on her face.

“I love it.” She gushed.

“Great!” Kyle smiled, “Let's bandage it up.” He said, pulling out a roll of saran wrap.

As I waited for him and the shop helper to sanitize the area and get everything set up for mine, I logged onto Twitter. I'd finally set it to private and had slowly stopped getting as many @replies as I had been. I was so thankful for that.

Clicking on the blue square in the corner, I started on a new tweet, “There's no use, give it up. This is life and this is love. You are my alligator.”