This Is Torturous

John seemed to be okay with me after our conversation. I had swallowed down the horrible feelings I had and tried to truck on as if nothing was bothering me anymore. As hard as I tried, it didn't work.

The rest of that Tuesday, John told me stories of their tour and let me in on what was to come for the band in the next coming months. The Maine would be leaving at the end of March for the Philippines then to Australia to open for Taking Back Sunday again before flying back to the US to embark on a country wide tour and a few Canadian dates. They'd be home the second weekend of June and leave again at the end of July for South America. It was a lot and he wouldn't be home for most of the year, but I was still proud that they were doing all of it without the help of a label. I loved that the recognition they were getting was because they did what they wanted and not what the label wanted.

Wednesday, John and I went to his parents' house for dinner. I hadn't seen them since The Maine's show, so I knew I looked different from the weight I had lost under stress. I still hadn't gained much back since going to the hospital, seeing as I still hadn't gotten my appetite back. John didn't seem to have noticed and for that I was thankful.

Jenny had made chicken and dumplings in the crockpot for everyone to enjoy. Even though chicken and dumplings was one of my favorite meals, I couldn't stomach the thought of it. I was a little queazy at the smell, to be honest.

John, his parents, brothers, and myself sat around the table, listening to John go on about the UK. I enjoyed hearing him talk so excitedly about what he did for a living. His parents seemed to, too. His brothers seemed to enjoy it, but I was sure they got bored of it easily. They looked up to John, but you can only take so much of the same subject for so long.

I'd taken three bites the whole time John spoke. The rest of the time, I stirred my spoon around the bowl, making the dumplings suck up the juice inside. As soon as there was a lull in conversation, Jenny chose to speak to me, “Sparrow, Honey, is there something wrong with the food?”

My eyes widened. I had no desire to be rude to John's mother, but I just couldn't eat to save my life, “No! Not at all. I'm just not feeling too well tonight. I'm sorry.” I apologized and she waved her hand at me.

“No need to apologize; we all can't feel like a million bucks every day.” I cracked a small smile at her, thanking her for understanding.

“I'd like to feel like half a million bucks every once in a while. Getting old sucks.” Jay said before shoveling a spoonful into his mouth.

“Oh, shut up.” Jenny laughed then turned back to me, “Excuse me if I'm crossing any boundaries, but you're looking rail thin, Sparrow. How long have you not felt well?” Her concern made me want to throw up.

“Oh, it's nothing Jenny. I've just been stressed out with work.” I half-lied, “They're beginning work on the new store at the end of the month and I'm mostly going to be in charge of okay-ing everything. Plus I'll be running the store, designing the spring/summer lines, talking to pattern makers, and trying to have time for myself and John while he's here.” I hadn't realized just the amount of work I would be doing in the coming months until I said it all out loud. I almost had a panic attack right there just thinking about it, but calmed myself down just before I started hyperventilating.

“Oh, wow.” Jenny said, shocked by the list I had just rattled off to her, “All of that would make me want to pull my hair out.”

I forced a laugh then looked back down into my bowl. Suddenly, I felt a hand on my thigh, causing me to jump. My head snapped up as my heart thudded in my chest. John's concerned face only grew more concerned as my face paled. “Excuse me,” I spoke to the table as I rose from my seat, “I need to get some air.” I was out of the dining room before anyone could say anything.

My heels clanked against the hardwood of their kitchen before I got to the back door. I sat down on the porch swing as soon as I was outside, and rested my elbows on my knees and dropped my head to my hands. It wasn't even thirty seconds I had been sitting there before the glass door slid open and out walked John. I let my left hand drop and lifted my head the slightest bit to look at him.

I hadn't bothered to turn the porch light on beforehand, so the only light was from the moon and whatever was leaking through from behind the blinds in the kitchen windows. And even though it was so dark, I still saw how worried John was. This only made me grimace and my stomach churn more.

“Ladybird,” He said gently as he cautiously walked over and sat on the swing next to me. My eyes followed him and waited for him to say whatever it was he wanted to say, “are you okay?”

No, not in the slightest.

I shrugged, not trusting my voice. He laced his long fingers through mine, “Do you want to go home?”

I shook my head and swallowed the lump that had formed in my throat, “No, I don't want to take you away from time with your family.”

He smiled softly down at me, “I don't think they'll mind too much. They'll only care about you getting better.” I gave him a look, “And let's face it, Ladybird, you look like shit.”

I snorted at his bluntness, “I didn't want to say anything when I first saw you, but I'm worried about you, Sparrow.” I closed my eyes and pressed my forehead into my palm. The last thing I wanted was for him to be worried, “You've gotten really thin. It's not healthy looking at all. You haven't eaten much since I got home. Your eyes are practically lifeless -”

I cut him off, “I know, John. It's not like I'm doing this on purpose. If I could be better, I would.” I snapped. My eyes watered, “But I can't eat. I can't sleep. My body aches. My hair is falling out.” I cried.

John squeezed my hand then pulled me into his side. Letting go of my hand, he wrapped his arm around my shoulders and I leaned into his side. “What's going on with you, Sparrow Alaska?”

This only let out a sob, “I don't know.” I lied, “Maybe I just need a vacation. Let's hope this weekend in LA will do the trick.”

Thursday, the sixteenth, was Garrett's 22nd birthday. Everyone was getting together to have dinner at a Mexican restaurant to celebrate. I hadn't talked to anyone besides Jared since they all got back and seeing how angry he had been with me only made me nervous to see everyone else. Hopefully I would be okay.

As soon as I got off work, I rushed home to change into something more comfortable. I stupidly thought wearing jeans to work would work out if I wore a belt with them. I was wrong, and all day I kept having to pull them up, which only kept pissing me off.

John was sitting on the bed when I rushed through our room and into the closet. “What in the hell?” He said to himself as I stripped out of my t-shirt and searched for something else to wear. “Holy shit, Sparrow.” John said as he shot up from the bed.

Next thing I know, he's standing beside me, grasping onto my sides to turn me to face him. The sudden movement made me dizzy and I had to close my eyes to stop the room from spinning.

“I knew you lost weight, but I didn't know I could play the xylophone on your ribs.” His calloused fingers grazed every dip in my skin where the indent of my ribs were.

Quickly, I slapped his hand away and wrapped my arms around my middle to try and shield myself from him. Never did I think I would ever have to do that. “I haven't even lost much. I'm already too thin for my height, so every pound shows.” Suddenly I grew angry. How dare he judge me!

Lifting his white t-shirt, I slapped his flat stomach, “You can't say shit because you look the same.”

He rolled his eyes, “At least I eat.”

I shot him a dirty glare before pulling one of my knit cape dresses off the hanger and throwing it over my head, “Get out of here so I can change and we can go.” We stood and stared at each other, him not wanting to back down. I quirked an eyebrow at him and he finally sighed before retreating back into the bedroom.

I kicked off my jeans without as much as a sucked in gut and let the sweater hit my bare legs. Looking down at the shoe racks that lined my side of the closet, I bent down to grab the Black Milk X Jeffrey Campbell wedges Clover bought me for Christmas. Next, I unhooked the hanger I had all of my scarves hanging from and pulled off the dark aqua colored circle scarf. Throwing that over my neck and slapping the light off, I headed for the top drawer of the dresser.

From the drawer, I pulled out a pair of black opaque tights. When I turned around to sit on the edge of the bed, I noticed John was watching me with a raised eyebrow. I ignored him and sat down to pull the tights on over my cold legs. When John had said really irritated me. The way he said it made it seem like I wasn't eating intentionally, like I had an eating disorder. He knew more than anyone just how much I enjoyed food.

My anger showcased by how I tugged on the tights. As soon as both of my feet were comfortably in them, I stood up and pulled them up over my butt, flashing John my underwear in the process. In haste, my nail caught on the material and made a run near the top. “Mother-”

I was cut off by the puffs of warm breath on the back of my neck and the delicate kiss to my bare shoulder. It took everything in me not to lift my shoulder to get John to stop.

“You know I don't mean anything bad by what I said. I'm just worried, Sparrow.”

I took in a breath and let it out through my nose slowly, “I know.” Bending down, I unlaced the wedges and slipped my feat into them. As soon as they were tied, I stood back up straight and looked at John, ignoring the lightheadedness I was feeling. He looked a little rejected which only made me feel worse. I didn't know how to deal with this whole situation I had gotten myself into, “Let's go; we're going to be late.”

At dinner, I sat between John and Garrett's brother, Trey. Across from me was Tessa – Jared's girlfriend. Across from John was Jared and across from Trey was Tim. I really didn't have much to say; I was too wrapped up in my own head. I ordered myself a glass of water and a cheese quesadilla and sat back with my thoughts.

While everyone around me went on having a great time, I thought about John and how much I wanted things to be okay. I thought about how I had an appointment with Dr. Lawrence on Monday and how I was going to explain that one to John. I knew she would want both of us in there sooner or later, so I needed to tell him I was going.

I thought about Erika and how if she were still alive, she would have slapped some sense into me long ago. I was missing her more and more as my problem got more out of hand as the hours passed by. It was as if I had spiraled so far down that there was no way for me to get back up. The more time went by, the more I felt like it would be the wrong time to tell John about all of my insecurities.

My birthday was a month away and I was going to be twenty-three. Why did I still feel like a baby? Babies can't get married.

“Sparrow?” I was pulled back down to Earth by John.

“Huh?” I asked stupidly.

His eyes stared at me for a few, long moments before he pointed to the plate in front of me that held my quesadilla, “Your food is here.”

Looking down at the tortilla and melted cheese, my stomach instantly turned, “Oh.” I said.

“Are you okay?” John quietly asked me and I nodded, “You're not still upset about earlier, are you?”

I shook my head, “No, not at all. I've just got a lot on my mind with the store.” I lied.

He looked at me for a few seconds, studying my face, before accepting it and cutting into his chile verde burrito.

As he began eating his dinner, I looked across the table and caught the eye of Jared, who was giving me a look between worry and disappointment. I sighed softly to myself and tore off a piece of my quesadilla, taking a small bite. As soon as it came in contact with my tongue, I tried with all of me not to spit it back out.

When we arrived back at home, I announced that I was going to take a shower. Throwing my purse onto the loveseat, I walked the way into the bedroom and into the closet to strip from my clothes.

I'd gotten my shoes and tights off before John appeared in the doorway, “Do you want some company?” He asked suggestively.

There was no way I could have sex with John while I felt the immense amount of guilt I was feeling, “I'm really tired, John.” I said then slipped passed him and into the bathroom.

“O-okay...” I heard him say before I shut the bathroom door.