This Is Torturous

Sawyer had made a last minute reservation at a restaurant her and Nick liked to go to called Birds. It was located under the Hollywood sign, which I thought was cool. It was incredibly crowded, which I didn't really enjoy, but it was Friday night in Hollywood, so I wasn't expecting anything less. Even though we had a reservation, we had to wait twenty minutes until they sat us.

In the mean time, we stood outside, next to the patio, where I could smell the food everyone was eating. It all made my stomach growl, which caused my eyes to widen. John must have heard it because he quickly looked down at me with a humorous grin. My hands were on my stomach, clutching it from the sudden ripple of hunger pains, “Are you hungry?” He asked with a hopeful look in his eyes.

“That kid's macaroni and cheese looks really good.” I nodded my head in the direction of a little boy with brown hair that fell into his large, brown eyes sat, shoveling pieces of cheesy noodles into his mouth. He looked no more than four and was absolutely adorable.

John had chuckled and wrapped his arms around my shoulders only to pull me into his side. I softly smiled as I snuggled into his peacoat and wrapped both of my arms around his waist, under it.

We stayed in that position as John asked Nick a few questions about recording. Sawyer seemed to be off in her own world, clutching onto Nick's hand with her left while the other held onto his bicep.

“Hey, Sawyer, I really like your outfit.” I complimented politely.

Her blue eyes looked at me, seemingly started by the compliment, “Oh, thank you! It's just something I threw together at the last minute.” She said, taking her right hand off her husband's arm and running it over the material of her floral skater dress. Over her shoulders sat a peach colored blazed with black lapels.

“Where did you get the dress?” I questioned, curiously.

“I got it at Wasteland in Studio City.”

“I've never been there. I've wanted to, though.”

Her whole face seemed to brighten up, “We should go in the morning!” Her excitement got the attention of the guys causing John to ask what we were talking about. “Wasteland.”

“Nick rolled his eyes, “Babe, you were just there three days ago.”

“At the Melrose one. I'm talking about the one in Studio City. Plus, Sparrow's never been.”

John looked down at me, “Do I have to go?”

I chuckled, “No, you don't. Go do something you want to do. Or I don't even have to go and we can go do something together.”

He shook his head, “No, it's fine. I'll probably just hang around and sleep.” I didn't argue and let it be.

We sat in a booth in the corner with the girls on the inside. A waiter came by almost immediately to get our drink order and left us to look over the menu while he retrieved them. The only conversation we had going on was about the food selection. Nick and Sawyer recommended a few dishes, but I was hellbent on getting the macaroni. By the time we ordered, a nice flow of conversation had started.

I really liked Nick and Sawyer individually and as a couple, and made it my task for the night to observe the way they were with each other, being married for the last couple of years. I wanted to see if they had succumbed to what I thought married life entailed.

“So, Sawyer,” John started, after setting his drink down.

Her eyes lifted from her phone, where I could see the Twitter app open on the screen, “So, John,” She mimicked and he chuckled softly.

“How's work going?”

“It's going well. I just did some work at Smashbox Studios last week for the first time. That was exciting. I have a wedding in San Francisco next month. Uhm...” Her finger placed on her chin in deep thought, presumingly thinking of her schedule, “Oh! This doofus' band asked me to shoot their album cover.” She said, jabbing a thumb in Nick's direction.

Nick shot her a look and she just smiled cheekily at him. John and I laughed at their exchange. “That's really great, Sawyer. I'm glad it's all working out for you.”

“Thank you, John. But, uh, I saw your touring schedule for the year.” Her eyes widened to convey her thoughts, “That's a lot of touring. How are you supposed to plan a wedding if you're never even home?”

My breathing hitched and my heart skipped a beat. To busy myself so I wouldn't have to speak, I picked up my glass of water and stuck the straw in my mouth.

“Well,” John began, glancing my way first before explaining, “we decided to wait until all of the madness of this album cycle is over before getting married. It'll probably happen at the beginning of next year.”

Calm down, Sparrow. You have a whole year to prepare yourself.

Sawyer smiled and nodded, “Okay, that's perfect. I'll be skinny again by then.”

My mind halted and my brow furrowed in confusion. John seemed to be having the same confused reaction, “Wait, what?” You're thin as a rail, Sawyer.” John said, raising his voice an octave. I could only imagine what was going through his head, two people he cared about getting dangerously thin and all.

Sawyer looked back at Nick, who was leaning into the booth. She had her hand covering her mouth in shock. “Well, you might as well tell them since John's about to throw a fit.” Nick laughed. This only made John and I even more confused.

Sawyer brought her hand down from her mouth, where a dominant smile had taken over, “We aren't really telling people yet because it's still early, but I'm pregnant.”

My eyes widened at the news. John, on the other hand, was elated, it seemed. “Oh my god! Congrats, you guys!” He exclaimed happily.

My brain kicked in. I needed to say something. Anything. “Yeah! Congratulations.” I managed.

“Thanks.” Sawyer smiled and Nick gingerly took her hand, placing a kiss on it. “It's still early and the doctor said I need to be careful because of what happened last time, but we're excited.” She looked over at Nick lovingly.

All I could think about was two weeks before, in Nashville. I looked over at John, who was already looking at me. I knew he was thinking about it, too. Probably not in the way I was, but it was still on his mind.

Back at the apartment, John and I headed to bed almost as soon as we got back. It was around nine and I knew I wouldn't be getting hardly any sleep, but I knew John was exhausted from driving.

I was wiping my face with a makeup wipe and John was undressing right outside of the open bathroom door. The silence between us was a bit heavy until John broke it, “That's crazy about Sawyer and Nick, huh?”

“Yeah...” I said absent-mindedly, scrubbing my face to get rid of the makeup on it.

“Too bad ours was a false alarm; they could have grown up together.” I stopped scrubbing and closed my eyes, not saying a word. My silence seemed to worry him. “Ladybird?”

“John, I don't want to get into this with you right now.” I threw the wipe into the trash can and walked out of the bathroom and into the bedroom, glancing at him before rounding the bed to my charging cellphone.

“Why?” His voice sounded so sincere as the next words left his mouth, “Let's have a baby.”

My whole body stopped and I instantly became horrified, dropping my phone back onto the nightstand, “What?! No!”

His eyes widened at the level my voice grew to so quickly, “Why not?” Was he suffering from brain damage? What was going on?

“Because!” I was so baffled I couldn't even think.

He gave me a look as he placed his hands on his hips, “”Because” is not an answer.”

I rolled my eyes as my anger hit me full force, “Fine. One,” I stuck out my pointer finger, “we're young. Two,” another finger, “you're never home. Three,” ring finger, “I don't want to raise a baby by myself. Four,” my thumb, “kids are hard work and we're not ready for that, yet. We can hardly take care of ourselves.”

John seemed just as angry, “One, we're not too young. Sawyer is twenty-one and Nick is my age.” I rolled my eyes again and shook my head, “Two and three, the band can take a break, so you won't be raising it alone.”

I shook my head again, this time more vehemently, “No, you can't just make your bandmates take a break because you decided on a whim that you wanted to start a fucking family.”

He shook his head this time, with a scoff, “Whatever, Sparrow.” I thought he was done, but he definitely wasn't, “Just because something is scary, doesn't mean you shouldn't do it.”

My temper flared brighter and my eyes widened. Was he being serious? “Excuse me? I'm not scared, I'm actually thinking this through unlike you. Do you honestly believe that we're ready to start a family? You with your band and how often you're gone. Me with my career just getting started. I'm not ready to give any of that up, yet. You think we're financially stable enough to have a child? I don't want to be a young mom. I always planned on having kids in my late late twenties, early thirties. I have a career, John. I didn't think I would need to clarify all of that when we got serious, seeing as you're never home.” His muscles visibly relaxed and his eyes softened at my words.

“You don't want to be tied down that much, yet, because when you go on tour, or to record, it won't just be me you're leaving, it'll be your child, too. And I know that will kill you.” He opened his mouth to protest, but I quickly cut him off, “Don't even bring up a break for the band because you know touring and recording are your first loves. You say you'll be home, but not being able to go out and play music every night would drive you crazy.”

It seemed as if I had gotten through to him. He nodded and dropped his arms with a sigh, “You're right.” Before I knew it, he was wrapping his arms around my shoulders and my face was pressing into his neck, “I don't know what I was thinking. I guess things just don't seem that frightening when I have you by my side.”

Closing my eyes, I ignored his last comment and ran my hand up and down his spine, “Stop trying to grow up so fast, John.” I said before placing a kiss against the skin of his throat, hoping maybe he would take my words into consideration for more than just baby talk, that he would change his mind about getting married. Something in me told me it was only wishful thinking, though.

When Sawyer and I got back from Studio City around one, John was sitting on the couch with Nick and Dirk Mai. I hadn't seen Dirk in a while, so I greeted him first, then went to John to greet him with a light peck. I was in an unbelievably good mood probably from the amount of deals I got. From Wildfox to Unif and Vivienne Westwood heels to Charlotte Olympia flats, “How much damage did you do?” John asked, nodding at the bags in my hands.

“Not too much. I could have done more, but I limited myself.” I smirked.

“Uh oh, John. It looks like you have a shopaholic on your hands.” Dirk said and I rolled my eyes, my good moon suddenly deflating.

“I already knew that.” John stated, “But she makes enough money to do it without hurting herself financially.”

I smiled and leaned over to pick him on the lips as a thank you for defending me, “I'm going to go put these in the room. What time did we agree on leaving?” I questioned, not being able to recall the time we had seat earlier that day for us to leave.

John's brow creased, obviously confused at my lapse in memory, “We agreed on 4:45.”

I nodded, “Right.” I grabbed the handles of the bags, “Then I”m going to shower and start getting ready.”

He nodded and pecked my lips again before I stood up and started down the hall for our room.

As soon as I was out of the shower, I pulled on a black and crème bodysuit and started on my hair. I didn't have much energy to make a huge effort, so I just blow dried my bangs into place and ran it over the rest of my hair before ultimately giving up and throwing the hot tool down on the counter.

In the bedroom, I heard my phone go off which had my full attention. The text was from Ryder, asking if I was having fun on the trip. I replied with a “yes” and lied down on the bed, waiting for a response. Before I knew it, my eyes were growing heavier and heavier with every blink.

“Ladybird?” I heard John's voice, far away, “Spare?” This time it was a bit closer and accompanied by my body shaking, “Sparrow!” My eyes popped open and met those green ones I knew so well. I stared at him, not knowing what was going on. “It's 4:20. I came in here to get ready and you were passed out.”

My eyes widened, “Shit.” With my hands, I lifted myself up off the mattress and tried to stand. My legs felt like jello and my head was spinning, causing me to topple to the ground.

“Fuck,” John cursed, instantly crouching down by my side, “Are you okay?” He grabbed onto my forearms and I used that as leverage to stand up.

“I'm good. I'm just not all the way awake, yet.” This wasn't a lie, my head was foggy with sleep. John was watching me with uncertainty, “I need to get ready.” I said, avoiding his gaze and trying to get out of his grasp.

“Wait,” His grip tightened, “Just hold on for a second, Sparrow, and catch your breath. Wake up first.”

“We're going to be late.” I responded in a weak semi-whine.

“Then we're late. I'm more concerned for your health right now.”

I knew he wasn't going to let it go, so I relaxed and leaned into his chest. His grip on my arms loosened and I could already feel the bruises forming underneath his fingertips.

“Be careful, would you? I don't know what I'd do if something happened to you.” He muttered into my hair, arms wrapped around my shoulders. My heart only ached at his words.