The Plan

Now that I’d openly broken my promise to not pursue anything more than friendship with Andy, Mike had every reason to not speak with me.

It broke my heart that he chose to communicate only with Simone about anything merch related and that he would wordlessly take a heavy box out of my arms. His only positive energy that was openly shown around me was when he was on stage.

Alex had also chosen to shun me, though it hurt a million times less. I could take his sad, betrayed looks when we were both doing our jobs backstage. He made no effort to speak to me or anyone else about me, which was less than what I could say about Mike Hranica.

I tried to avoid everyone except Simone and Andy as much as possible. At night, I drove the van and opted to sleep in the backseat while Simone or one of the techs drove the rest of the way. It was sad that this was how tour life was for me and the rest of the band but we dealt with it.

“I’m gonna go to the bathroom real quick,” I told Simone, pinning up the last shirt and watching her spread a table cloth over the table. She looked at me, searching my face, and then nodded. I ventured off to use the bathroom upstairs, which was private.

I locked the door and sighed deeply. My carefree personality hated being sad and troubled. As I washed my hands the door knob jiggled maniacally. I rolled my eyes and dried my hands, yanking the door open angrily.

Mike was there and before I could do anything he was shoving me roughly back into the bathroom. He shut and locked the door behind him, tearing at his hair and then turning to me.

“What the fuck Mike?” I hissed.

“Shut up,” he said and with that sentiment he stepped forward. “Just…don’t say anything.”

His hands held the sides of my face as he analyzed every inch of my face. I bit my lip and glared at him. He slowly lowered his face down to mine and before any coherent thought of pushing him away came to me, Mike Hranica, my closest guy friend and best friend’s boyfriend, was kissing me.

We both waited for a second. His lips were soft and pleasant, I guess, but all of a sudden my senses snapped back into my head and I violently pushed him back. He looked shocked and horrified, his wide eyes probably mirroring my own.

“That was disgusting, oh my god,” I said, moving to the sink and rinsing my mouth and lips. I tried to make it humorous, going as far as putting soap onto my lips. Mike still looked stressed and now, even as he spit into the sink beside me, he looked distraught. “What the actual fuck Mike, was the necessary?”

“Yes it was fucking necessary Kelly! I don’t know what’s wrong with me! I’m going crazy; why the fuck do I care so much? I had to kiss you to see if there were any feelings,” he muttered lowly. He seemed like a dangerous animal at that moment.

“Well, did you get your answer?” I asked softly. I thought for a moment of living with Mike but in love. I shook it out of my head quickly because it was fucking absurd. I’d gone through iota’s of trouble to get him and Simone together.

“No, sort of, well, yeah I mean, obviously I’m with Simone and I didn’t feel anything in that kiss except true horror but as far as why I’m so repulsed by the thought of you and Andy…that I have no answer for,” he explained, dropping his head in his hands.

I sighed and crossed my arms over my chest. Everything was fucked up now and it wasn’t even really my fault. Mike had fucked it all up by being a stubborn little bitch. I crossed the small room and touched the doorknob.

“Well you seriously need to figure it out. I like Andy okay? You shouldn’t give this much of a fuck. I understand if you’re afraid I’ll get hurt but even then you’re taking it too far. I don’t know why you care but it needs to stop,” I said, not unkindly. He nodded blankly.

“I’m trying to stop caring but I can’t. I try to just be indifferent when I see you two together but I can’t. It haunts me.”

“Well, you know what haunts me? Knowing that my closest friend can’t accept that I like someone and just be happy for me, knowing that you have to go around being a pessimistic asshole and kissing me to clarify your own feelings; that’s what haunts me.”

I opened the door and my heart stopped beating. When it resumed, the pace was frantic and ice cold adrenaline ran through my veins. Half of my mind wanted to slam the door shut and the other half wanted to run down the hall and out of the venue.

It hadn’t occurred to me that Mike and I had had an audience through all of this. I had forgotten in the short time that Mike Hranica’s lips had touched mine, experimental or not, that not only was the building full of people but it was full with his girlfriend.

Simone leaned against the wall opposite of the bathroom door. Her eyes were blank, reminding me of the lack of emotion Mike had. I took a step back, looking at Mike and then back at her. I could see the tears welling in her eyes.

“Simone, do you know where—oh, um, wait,” Andy came into view then. We all stared incredulously at each other. My mind raced and I tried to remain calm even as my eyes started feeling pinpricks and my mouth dried up.

Rationally, I knew that I’d done nothing wrong. Mike had barged into the bathroom after me and Mike was the one that kissed me. Rationality had nothing to do with how guilty and horrible I felt.

“What happened?” Simone asked. Her voice was so quiet that I almost missed what she said. Mike stood directly behind me, I could feel his breath on my neck, and Andy watched with narrowed eyes. “What the fuck happened?”

When we both remained silent her cheeks grew red and her nostrils flared.

“Someone fucking tell me what happened!”

“Mike kissed me,” I blurted. Though it was true and I had had nothing to really do with it except allow him to kiss me, she glared daggers. The look killed me on the inside. My sweet, mild tempered best friend was gone.

“Fuck you. Fuck both of you,” she spat and she was gone. My chest heaved as I tried to contain my sobs. Anger ripped through me and I spun to face Mike. He looked crushed, completely and totally. Had Simone not caught us, we both would have kept this little accident a secret, I knew it.

“You ruin everything!” I shrieked, pounding my fists on his chest. He took it, not even trying to defend himself. I knew it must hurt as my own hands were taking a beating. Now the tears streamed freely and fiercely down my face. “I hate you so much! You ruin everything!”

I heard people murmuring and felt them watching. I stopped hitting him and took deep breaths, wailing. My chest felt like it was breaking in half. Andy stood there, watching me, and then he looked at Mike. I watched him punch his best friend in the face and then he turned and walked away.

The last thing I could remember was running down the hallway, passing Andy, screaming Simone’s name.