The Plan

The hotel in Phoenix was nice, since we’d be staying longer than a night, and I’d spent the majority of the day sipping beers by the pool with Mike.

Simone had left me in charge of watching Mike, who was feeling a lot better based on his appetite. He sat under an umbrella on a lounge chair next to mine, reading a book and swimming a lap when it got too hot. Simone, Andy, and the rest of the band had gone off shopping and exploring.

I didn’t mind getting left behind. We’d been in Arizona for a day already and I’d done my exploring of the arid city. Simone had stayed behind with Mike yesterday and I was always fond of his quiet, steady company.

“How’s the book?” I asked, setting down my beer. There was no lifeguard and I was careful to hide the cans when hotel staff came out for cleanup. Drinking alcohol by the pool was against the rules, as the sign next to the entrance and Mike had both told me.

“Enlightening, to say the least,” he answered, flicking it shut and keeping his fingers on his page to glance at the cover. I smirked. “The author has a view of spirituality that might intrigue you more than it intrigues me.”

“Donate it when you’re done,” I said simply, settling into the chair. I’d just gotten out of the warm water and my red hair was sending droplets of cool water down my hot skin.

Mike stood up, stretching and groaning. He left his book face down on the chair with the spine cracked to hold his page. He gazed over the water and the fence. Cars rumbled past outside the fence and down a floor, as the pool was on a lower roof, and Mike raised a hand over his eyes.

“Incoming,” he said, pointing at the door. I turned my head to see Max and Vinny coming over. Their distinct shuffle was apparent, as well as the dark clothes they wore despite the heat. Mike greeted them and then left our presence to swim.

“Hey Kell,” Max greeted, sitting on the corner of my wet chair gingerly. Vinny shuffled under the umbrella and leaned against the brick wall of the building to shield himself from the sun. I hadn’t spoke to either of them much since getting Dillon kicked out of the show in Nashville, only a few times after that.

“What’s up?” I asked coolly. I was always weary of old friends asking for favors and due to the nervous tension in the air, I figured a favor was on his lips.

“We found some guys selling pills,” he explained, “He said they were Xanax but the guys wanted to make sure…”

“Oh, so you figured you could just ask an ex-junkie what they were.”

I raised an eyebrow at his presumption. Back home, everyone knew that I’d been addicted to prescription painkillers. I’d gone through my trials and overcome them, after relapsing multiple times. In my new life, the fact wasn’t as well known.

“I’m sorry,” he lisped automatically, hanging his head. I sat up and shoved his shoulder playfully. He looked up and knit his eyebrows together.

“Its fine, I’m just playing,” I smirked, “Let’s see ‘em.”

He struggled to pull the bag out of the pocket of his tight jeans, cursing under his breath as he tried. Finally he was successful and he handed me a small, clear bag with 10 white pills in it. I held it up to the light and then opened it, taking one of the circular pills in my fingers and inspecting it.

“Well, it’s not Xanax. That’s for sure,” I said. He groaned and Vinny cursed. “They are Oxy’s though, and those used to be my favorite. It’ll lay you out real nice for a few hours. Don’t take it before a show.”

I placed the pill back in the bag and sealed it, holding it up again to squint at the small demons that had brought me to my knees. I smirked at them and shook my head.

“How much did you pay for these?” I asked, just out of curiosity.

“Eighty,” Vinny answered, “Good deal?”

“Sure,” I told them, “I used to pay a little more than that back home but New York’s a hell of a lot more expensive, even for druggies.”

I looked at the bag one last time, marveling at how long it had been since I’d even seen painkillers. My doctors all knew not to prescribe them and if anyone around me needed them, like Mike now, they hid them without my asking. I’d been clean for years now and my mouth still watered. My veins clamored for the numb release. I shook my head again.

“Kelly! What the fuck are you doing?”

I snapped my head up to see my boyfriend taking long, angry strides toward me. I sighed. His face told me he was livid and I shoved the pills back into Max’s hand before I stood.

“Nothing,” I answered, calmly and truthfully. “Helping my friends.”

“It looked like you were holding pills and that is not fucking okay,” he accused. He towered over me now, glowering down at me. I caught a glimpse of Simone’s blonde hair over his left shoulder and rolled my eyes. “Are you serious? You have nothing to say for yourself?”

“It’s my fault,” Max said, “I brought them to her—”

“Like I said,” cutting Max off calmly, “I was helping out my friends. They bought something and wanted to make sure it was safe to take. Who better to ask than me?”

“Kell, they should know better,” Simone chimed in, “They weren’t there to see you during your withdrawals.”

Max and Vinny scuffed their feet against the concrete floor as Simone accused them and Andy glared at them. I placed my hands on his chest and pushed hard enough to move him out of my space.

“No, they didn’t and that doesn’t mean anything. It’s not my fault if you don’t trust me around some painkillers. You think I don’t know where you hide them? Andy keeps his on the top shelf of his closet, left side behind a box of pictures, and you’re a little craftier with Mike’s this time, keeping them in a vitamin bottle,” I spat, “But once a junkie, always a junkie, and I’ll always know how to find what I want.

“Maybe you don’t trust me but have a little fucking faith, huh? I trust myself, I went through my shit and I shouldn’t have to be reminded of it around every fucking corner, okay?”

I grabbed my bag and disappeared then, breaking hotel rules and strutting through the lobby in just my bathing suit. Anger reached my heart and held it in its fiery grips as I tried to relax. The elevator was small but the air conditioning raised goose bumps on my skin.

The room I was sharing with Andy was a mess and I tried my hardest to ignore it. There are boxes of merchandise stacked around. Simone and I figured we could reorganize the amount we had left. I’d started my share of the work when I’d woken up but left it half-finished to hang out with Mike.

I threw my things on the bed and stalked around the room. My past wasn’t my favorite place to linger. Max and Vinny could have been more thoughtful and I understood why Andy and Simone had reacted the way they had. Logic was settling in and I felt guilty over my outburst. Besides, being so defensive over the matter didn’t make me look innocent at all.

I didn’t like discussing what I’d gone through though and the dig at my old friends hadn’t sat well with me. There had been a time when my old circle of friends had been my world and they deserved respect, not disdain.

There was a knock on the door and I turned, my feet burning against the rough carpet. I glared through the peep hole and saw Mike standing in the hallway. I opened the door and he shrugged at me, entering when I stepped aside for him.

He stood in the middle of the room in a t-shirt he’d haphazardly thrown over his wet form. His hair was dripping in a way I knew would make Simone’s heart flutter and his cheeks were flushed from the rush he’d been in. His eyes were hard and determined though, because he knew the stubborn bull he was about to confront.

“I told Andy to give me ten minutes and then come up,” he said thoughtfully, “But I figure he’ll only give me five.”

“He can fuck off,” I snapped, crossing my arms over my chest. I wasn’t angry anymore, not like the outpouring of rage that had been released on my best friend and boyfriend downstairs. “He doesn’t trust me so he can fuck off.”

“Should he trust you?”

“Yes! How could you ask that Mike? Of all people,” I asked, stung by his accusation. Mike had been the one to force me into my final withdrawal and I’d stayed clean under his watch for years after it.

“I’m not talking about myself Kelly,” he answered, “I’m talking about Andy. Put yourself in his shoes for a second and ask if you would trust yourself.”

“I guess I fucking wouldn’t,” I retorted, “But it would be nice if he’d keep his shit with me to himself because it hurts my feelings!”

“I think you’re missing the point Kell,” he said, making no move to come near me, “Can’t you see that Andy is scared shitless of you? He loves every aspect of you, even the part of you that was once white as a sheet and screaming in my bedroom that night. He loves you so much that he never wants to see you that way again. It hurts your feelings that he can’t get over it but imagine seeing him in the pain that you were in.”

I was overwhelmed by the emotion that ripped through me then. The first night and then the next couple of days had been pure hell, on my body and my mind. I’d screamed and begged for help but none had come.

“I would die,” I said quietly, running my fingertips along my lips. Andy in any pain at all would absolutely kill me. “I guess I understand but he didn’t need to accuse me like that.”

“I agree,” Mike said. There was a knock on the door as he opened his mouth to continue. He shrugged and rolled his eyes. “I didn’t even get four minutes, damn him.”

I ignored Mike though, turning to open the door. In the hallway, my tall boyfriend stood in a stance of defeat. His eyes were wide and innocent, begging for forgiveness that Mike had already earned him.

I let out a sigh and opened my arms for him. He smiled and scooped me up, holding me close to his body and letting my feet hang a few inches from the ground. His grip was tight and, as always, made me feel safe. I giggled and nuzzled my face into his hair.

“I’m sorry,” he said quietly, “It’s not that I don’t trust you. I just saw you holding those things and it felt like all of my guts fell out.”

“I’m sorry for scaring you,” I hummed, running my hands over his head and keeping my hold on him as he plopped me on the ground. “But I’m the healthiest I’ve ever been, mind and body, so I’d appreciate a little bit more understanding.”

“I can do that,” he said and I felt a nod. I pressed a soft kiss to his neck and then stepped away from him. “I promise.”

“Okay, so everything’s fine then?”

“Everything’s fine then,” he said and I could tell it truly was by the smile on his lips. I smiled too and then rolled my eyes as Mike cleared his throat.

“Simone’s not gonna let me leave the hotel because I’m fragile,” he said, “But maybe now that I’m done fixing your problems we can call her up here and get some room service?”